The Hood Is ALWAYS Exciting!! Whateva..

Quick!! Get the Pulitzer people on the line, cuz I am SUCH a brilliant photojournalist.....

I'm titling this one:

That's Going To Hurt In The Morning or... Donde Esta Brake Pads?

There I was, minding my own damn business when all of a sudden I hear a series of metal-crunching noises then a thud..I looked out the window and here's what I saw across the street:

Immediately people started runing across the street, I was about to call 911 but there were a lot of people on their cell phones so I just waited....Nobody got out of the van and people just started to walk away so I just waited some more....



THREE DAMN HOURS LATER...

Bubba Gump's Towing And Fried Chicken Emporium shows up:

('scuse the blurriness, I was looking through the screen of my bedroom window)

Then some more peole came outside and they all stood around for 30 more minutes...then the Fire Dept showed up..more standing around....

Then A REAL BIG tow truck came by..he stood around for a while then he left...

Bubba Gump and 'nem then decide it's time to get moving so here goes....

More foolishness..then more people..The lady in the lovely "Barbecue Condiment Set" outfit seems to be the resident of the crushed home, the firemen were hugging her...

Wait Bubba!!!..it's stuck on the fence post!!

So then they rip the rest of the fence apart and....





Whew..finally free. But as if all that stupidity was not enough..the owner of the van decides....

Hey Vatos!! It STILL runs!!

Fucking idiot almost went over a SECOND embankment while parking!!

The "aftermath":







Men...

Pet Peeve Of The Season

You CAN'T be fucking serious.....

My co-workers are walking around wearing these things...I'm soooo embarassed for them.

I, on the other hand, to look waaay better than them, have "hooched up" a cute santa tee from Target with rhinestones. It's vintage looking and has Santa in a karate stance with nunchuks..It says Elf Defense Kung Fu Dojo est 1974. oh. the. hilarity!!!

Keep It Shady

As I mentioned in my previous post, I went to the porn shop Friday.

I was completely APPALLED!!

First of all when I walked in, I was GREETED, very loudly by the girl behind the register..umm could you shut up bitch?? I am trying to be incognegro up in here and you are ruining it, Missy!!

After getting over that shock, I decided to peruse the dildo aisle...here comes Miss Mary Sunshine again!!
Her: Can I help you find anything??
Me: (avoiding eye contact) Uh..no, just looking for Dirty Santa gift
Her: OH MY GOD!!! WE HAVE LOTS OF GREAT STUFF!!! blah blah blah blah
Me: (Thinking) Is this broad serious?

She then scampered off to bother the next customer who looked at her in an equally embarrassed way.

I don't know 'bout you, but I prefer my porn stores dimly lit, shady with the faintest smell of disinfectant, not all bright and cheery and shit.

What is this world coming to??

Oh did I tell you about one of my TOP 5 embarrassing moments???

I was in a sex shop...minding my own damn business..I went to check out and..and..and..The "thing I bought" wouldn't scan...shit!!!
I watched in horror as the counter boy slowly grabbed the overhead microphone thingy (creaking and feedback included) and yells: PRICE CHECK!!! If I could have folded myself up in a molecule, I would have. Then the guy he asked for the price check couldn't seem to find it in the section he was in so HE YELLS: Dude, which one was it???!!!
Then, of course, the ass behind the counter RAISES IT IN THE AIR and yells "DUDE, it's THIS ONE"....

I promise, I would have paid $6,0000 for that fucking thing at that very moment.

Party Queen

Woo!! It feels like I haven't blogged since Belly was thin...then that would have been never wouldn't it???
hahahaha, oh, I kill me.

My weekend was STUPID busy..I almost felt like my old "partying self"..almost.

Friday I stayed up until 1am making chocolate covered strawberries for Party #1 (see schedule below). I then had to wake up at 8am in a panic worried that I was going to wake up late and miss my shift at my shitty part time job (one of them). I went back to sleep..sort of.. and woke up at 9:45 to start the following:

LINKA'S SATURDAY SCHEDULE aka: Work yourself like a slave for your friends


11 am - 3 pm: Work shitty retail job, mostly goofing off and looking at men (stupid customers had me there until 3:13 actually..fuckers)

3:15 pm - 3:32 pm: Drive home, screaming obscenities the entire way, pulling up to my house on 2 wheels.

3:32 pm - 3:55 pm: ATTEMPT to get dressed quickly because I was SOOOOO smart to lay my outfit out the previous night..but wait..I HATE THIS OUTFIT. Walked around looking stupid for about 10 minutes for no reason and ended putting the original outfit on as planned..damn it!!!

4:40 pm: Arrived at Party #1 which started at 4 pm. (Somebody's gotta be late..why not let it be me??) Ex-Co-worker's house is FUCKING FABULOUS!!! It has a REAL bar in the basement with two bathrooms (??) and a pool table. (secretly think she's selling dope on the side but am informed that she's sort of "sub-letting" whateva).

4:45 pm - 8:50 pm: Screamed and Screamed, Drank and Drank, Laughed and Laughed with all my old co-workers from the really fucked up Non Profit that we all worked at 10 years ago.

Let one of our old friends know that I used to have a super sloppy crush on him - felt kind of weird when he said: "Used to?? What about now?!?
I slipped out of his very tight grip while mentioning The Other Half and realized that I shouldn't have said anything about anything.

8:55 pm: Finally left the party that I said earlier that I would leave at "7 pm, NO EXCEPTIONS" (yeah, right)

9:15 pm - 9:30 pm: Screamed at TOH (in my head) for not being dressed and ready for Party #2 before I got home..damn it boy, I left a note AND called you while I was out..jees!

9:30 pm - 10:30 pm: Drive time to Party #2, yes, my co-worker lives in the fucking boonies

10:35 pm - 1:20 am: Partied my stupid ass off!! Late again as usual..slackers.
Since we pre-paid $10 to attend this shin-dig, it was our intention to eat and drink our fair share and then some but by the time we got there all the "good" liquor was gone and the food was picked over..oh well

Here are some of Party #2's Highlights:

The Questions Game - Everybody writes out a question that they have always wanted an answer to and the "Question Ho" picks them from a hat. Example questions: "Does size matter?" or "What constitutes Good Pussy?" (What?? people were drunk) or TOH's favorite "Why can't a man have JUST ONE SUNDAY to watch football IN PEACE?" (whateva, assholes). This whole game turned into a "Men against Women" thing as usual.

The Dirty Santa Exchange - Oh.The.Comedy.
But I, like a dumbass left my gift at home. On Friday I purchased a lovely Cock Ring with Latex Whip Attachment (woo hoo!!) then I bought a box of condoms by HUGE brand. What?? We had a $10 limit and my OCD wouldn't let me buy just one gift!!

TOH's "Fireside Chat" - Somehow TOH got ahold of one of those "Sex Positions For Everyday Of The Year" books and ended up surrounded by me and another 10 ladies calling out different dates. Once he found the requested date he turned the book around to show us all the position like it was story hour at Gymboree...fucking hilarious.
Then in his usual "direct" way, he let them know that they (including him and me) were all wayyyy too big to try at least 90% of these moves. Somehow none of them were offended, he's such a charmer (yeah, whateva)

Ghetto Karaoke - Again, Oh.The.Comedy.
Why, you ask, is it called "Ghetto Karaoke"?? Well imagine this setup: Hip Hop songs playing on a really cool IPOD player BUT attached to a kid's jukebox/cd player/double microphone thingie that gave more bad feedback than Ebay. Oh, did I mention there were NO WORDS on the screen?? You pretty much had to "figure out" the words for your damn self.
TOH and my Co-Worker "Sherlock" did a surprisingly accurate rendition of Doug E. Fresh's "The Show". He was even doing the "Doug E. Fresh dance"...if you've seen Paid In Full, you'll know what I mean. He also found his way to the mic on EU's "Doin' Tha Butt".
One of my seemingly "sweet and quiet" co-workers got up and did Rob Base's "It Takes Two" , rappin' it like he wrote it....Somehow he ended up freak dancing with his single female cube mate..I thought he was married..woo good times.

Moral of this story:

Drunk people should NOT Karaoke

All the way home, TOH kept trying to offer me some of THE ENTIRE PARTY-SIZE BAG of Tostitos Scoops chips he took from the party.
TOH: Wants some tortilllllllllla chips??
Me: No, I'm trying to drive and I'm already dehydrated
*welcome silence* (except for his munching and smacking, a sad reminder of Belly)
TOH: Linka72, I have to tell you something, it's really important, look at me
Me: (irritated, since he always professes some important "truth" every time he drinks) What??!?
TOH: *sighs*, leans in, looks at me in a serious way.......You have GOT to try these chips!!!!
At this point I'm trying to figure out how to throw him through the windshield without the airbags opening.....

That drunk ass boy went on like that for most of the hour-long trip home. Thank god he finally fell asleep..gripping the chip bag tightly.

Needless to say, me and TOH slept most of the day Sunday and I'm still hoarse from laughing and screaming, I'm sure all the alcohol didn't help my throat situation either.

Of course ya know everybody was "hanging their heads low" on Monday..leave it my big ass mouth to "remind" them of their deeds..oh, being evil is SO much fun.

A Rock And A Hard Place

Belly shaved his wild Taliban beard down over the weekend..thank god.

He hates it, I know this because he stated that he "paid a person to mess him up". I guess that statement means his barber took the initiative and helped his fat ass out by shearing him like a sheep.

I personally think he looks 7 million times better. He actually looks thinner..in the face.... but I'm afraid to tell him so because he might get his little willy all hard and take it as a compliment...yeck! bad visual!
He's aso letting his beady/bug eyes breathe today since he's not wearing his coke bottle glasses..why are they always caked with crud/shit chips??? Eww. He looks kinda like a baby rat..squintin' and shit.

He just bounded down the aisle with his lunch..I'm thinking of following him into the break room just to stare at his food like he does me. One day I noticed that he's one of those people that takes 1 fry at a time and puts ketchup...on that 1 fry...one. at. a. damn. time..how fucking irritating.

I should cough all over his lunch just for shits and giggles.

Belly's Foot And Other Foolishness

I'm still trying to figure out how Belly's fat ass manages to balance on a foot that is turned at a 90 degree angle. I guess his parents couldn't afford a foot brace for him when he was little...po' thang.

Thankfully the phones have been busy and he's been relatively quiet. He's such a martyr that he feels he must "save the world" and answer every damn call that comes in and stay on with each caller waaaay longer than needed. He also makes a mountain out a mole hill on most calls..for instance say you need a password reset, Belly will turn that into you needing a completely new workstation for no reason at all....stupid ass.

I really think he's the type of person that loves drama. He seems to "create" it in his household..remember the whole hidden camera debacle??

About 15 times a day, his 10 year old daughter calls his desk phone, each time, she's so excited to tell on the other kids that he has to say her name OVER AND OVER AND OVER (really loud, mind you), then tell her to calm down. Then he has to tell her to stop calling but he says it in SUCH a yella belly way that not even a 10 year old believes it and she keeps on calling.

If I EVER called my Mom at work and it wasn't because my brother was on fire and/or bleeding to death, she would have kicked my ass!!


He also feels the need to seem important to everyone. He actually admitted that he only married his wife as part of a "social experiment" because she looked needy..fucking weirdo, I think it was because she was mentally slow, light skinned and had big tits..but that's just my opinion.



Oh wait..lemme tell ya this part:



One day he was sitting over the wall blabbing all his damn business to me (this was in the early days when he was new to our department and I was trying to be nice).

He said that the reason he "gained a couple of pounds" was because when he first got married, he was SUCH a hot piece of ass (yeck..gag) that women were constantly hitting on him (yeah, whatever). He figured that good looking chicks wouldn't be SO attracted to him if he was a little chunky...

oops!! looks like you skated right past chunky and landed in lard-ass city.



He then said..out loud... to me..... that the caveat to this whole "test" was that fat girls started noticing him and that he was disgusted by it....I know....WTF??? He's dillusional. I can't imagine ANY woman being attracted to his goofy ass.

Speaking of Goofy..Here's what his teeth look like:



hahahahahahaha...woooo...hahahahahaha, I am so mean

Are You On The List?

Ok..my bored ass has nothing to blog about today..'cept I love Heroes on NBC.
Are You On The List? is the new catch phrase for the show(Remember Save The Cheerleader, Save The World?)...Back when I was in college, I was always on somebody's "list"..mostly their Shit List..but that's another story....

YAAAAAY Baby Furniture!!! Yeah, Right.

I spent all Sunday at my pregnant friend's house assembling the oh so lovely baby's room above..I knew on Saturday (when she announced that "the guys" would be putting it together) that it would be a day of heavy cursing and frustration. Much like the last time, her husband had none of the required tools..you can't imagine how many times I had to explain to him that you DON'T hammer a SCREW into anything. Dammit boy!

When I first got there, all the guys (including mine, who I allowed to spend the night over there) were hung over.

Since his birthday sucked from the previous week, The Other Half has deemed this weekend as his "Birthday Weekend" and has been drunk for 3 days.

I knew in the back of my mind that I and only I would end up assembling every damn thing in the box....

Long story longer....After TOH made everybody steaks for dinner (damn, I love that man) I finished putting the crib together..the baby's father made a half-assed attempt to help me but was far too busy drinking beer and watching the Cowboys win...(Is all that damn screaming at the TV neccessary??)

I then moved on to the dresser..no one even made the effort to as much as look in my direction while I did it, they must have sensed my anger or they just didn't give a damn..I was almost done when TOH came down the stairs lookin all tired and cranky.."aren't you done yet??...let's go..I'm tired..wah wah fuckin wah...

I had everything laid out as per the 40 page instruction booklet - bolts sized accordingly etc, etc. There was a pile of "unapproved/what the fuck are these extra things" type screws and bolts then I had a pile of "correct and approved" type screws and bolts.

OF COURSE The baby's father decided to "help me out" but attaching the top with something from the "unapproved" pile.....you guessed it..he gouged a huge horrible hole in the wood top!! He shrugged it off by saying "Well, we're going to putting things on top of it to cover that anyway"....huh???

I was too tired to curse him.....I left the changing table up to him..we'll see how THAT turns out.

being a super Auntie is SUCH a burden.

Ricola Beat Down

Belly is back from his vacation..can you imagine a road trip with 4 kids and a ditzy wife?? I would have murdered somebody by now.

Belly has a nasty cold of some sort..probably got it from one of his crumb-snatchers.
I swear if he coughs ONE MORE TIME, I'm going to shove a bag of couch drops in mouth and tape the fucker shut!!

It's bad enough that he has shit breath..now he's blowing it all over the office..Thanks Belly

Oh, The Holidays..Part 2 And So On

Okay, I was finally able to get away from that little bastard from my last post...

This week has been hectic and hellish.

Thanksgiving in the boondocks was great. Fried Turkey is my new boyfriend, don't tell The Other Half.
I did have one "country livin' " faux pas though:

It was 5:30 in the morning when all of a sudden I hear a BOOOOM!!! I thought a transformer blew but I could still see the street lights. Then I heard BOOM BOOOOOM CRACK CRACK BOOM!! Oh SHIT, They're shooting outside!!! I ran into the living room where my father-in-law to-be was watching TV and announced loudly:
They're BUCKIN' (shooting, for the ebonically challenged)...GET DOWN!!!
He calmly looked over at me and said:
Baby, huntin' season starts today around here..it's okay..you're safe here...
I know he must have thought I was dumb as a box of fucking rocks..hell, where I'm from..shooting is NOT good.

The Other Half was a groomsman in YET ANOTHER wedding that was not our own.
I would just like to say for the record that After Hours Formal Wear can kiss my entire ass..they are so ass-backwards there. When we got there, he tried the (horribly ghetto, cream colored, knee length) tuxedo jacket on...great, it's about 3 sizes too big...uh, didn't they measure you TOH?? of course they did..but I guess they were high when they did it.
Apparently they also took his hip measurement as his waist measurement so the pants were hovering dangerously around his lower ass crack. Nice.
Instead of re-measuring him, The lady behind the counter just looked at him and said "I got it, we'll make the changes, come back tomorrow"....WTF???

So we left and tried to go on with our weekend...

TOH went to the bachelor party and I went with my pregnant friend to spend the night in Columbia so we could wake up like jackasses and shop on Friday morning...what the hell wee we thinking???

Friday afternoon TOH goes back to Crackhead Formal Wear and guess what...THE JACKET STILL DOES NOT FIT!! Could it be that the "eagle eyed" broad behind the counter didn't measure the shit the last time?? Could Be.
She had the nerve to tell him to come back A THIRD TIME!! I'm thinking to myself: Ok..this tux will be SO free!!

Finally the next day, TOH gets the tux..and we meet up at the church..I have to admit it all came together quite well considering it was a cream tux with a long jacket..did I tell you the wedding party was 40 people strong?? How pretentious. My people can be so ghetto, I swear.
I promise you, about half of them sang a damn song during the wedding..I started to think we were at a concert for god's sake.
The groom even sang..yeah, you heard right. He sounded horrible but I thought it was so cute that he loved her enough to sing her down the aisle.
Speaking of God..the visiting preacher started speaking in tongues during one of the 4000 prayers..kinda scary.

At one point, one of the four HIRED singers had backup singers..WTF?? I can't even recall any vows being said ....all that damn singing....my head was pounding.
The wedding programs had ALL sorts of misspellings such as TOOKED for took and REALAYZED for realized. WTF?? I looked at the credits and some ghetto "design" company had done the programs..ooookaaayy, Spell Check much??
I wouldn't had paid for that shit, you can rest assured.

After the wedding we found our way to the reception..more ghettoness. We sat there for 30 minutes before anybody even said anything about food being served..jeeeees!! Once we got through the buffet line we were already contemplating Taco Bell value meals...Is that SUPPOSED to be roast beef??..looked nasty and tasted worse..the ushers and bridesmaids were hoarding the chicken wings in the back of the kitchen like vultures and the fruit was all old and mushy....this is why I'm thinking of eloping.

We left there and went to TOH's brother's house about an hour away. His new baby is absolutely fabulous and I'm going to steal her. TOH is totally in love with her but refused to admit that he wanted us to have a baby too..Men.
We spent the night and had lunch with them before leaving for home.....HERE'S WHERE EVERYTHING WENT BAT SHIT:

On the way out of the driveway I realized I left my purse at their house so I ran back to get it...TOH then realizes that he can't find his wallet..that contains everything including his birth certificate (??)....no big deal we think..maybe it's in his jeans in the trunk (we went straight back to CrackHead Formal Wear and returned the tux and he changed into his street clothes in their dressing room)

We tore the car apart

We tore our luggage apart

We tore the guest room and bathroom apart

shit

shit

shit

Somewhere in the last 1000 miles, he has lost a wallet that had pretty much EVERYTHING in it..including MY FUCKING CHECK CARD!!!!(long story, don't ask)

We drove an hour out of our way in an attempt to retrace our steps..nothing

Since then I have called the church, the stupid tux place, 3 gas stations and mall security..still nothing. TOH is pissed, he swears he put it in the car door compartment at the church so he wouldn't have to carry it in his tux..he says he might have had it in his pocket at the tux place when he returned it...but...he can't remember

I already called the Crackhead Tux Joint several times, they claim they still can't find it...Idiots.

Anyway, I've tried to not act pissed about the wallet around TOH, it was his birthday when this happened.
I cancelled my check card yesterday and TOH seems to be dragging his feet about canceling all of his stuff..keep it up jackass..let 'em steal your identity, fool.

So we had a good time until Sunday..then it sucked ass..awww hell.

I'm still forming my refund request letter for After Hours Formal Wear..I'll let you know how that goes.