I Thought It Was JUST ME!!!

So here I am reading Miss Zoot's entry about blogging and how non-blogging people are just assholes. Well she didn't say that exactly, but I like to curse.

Whenever I tell people about my blog, I feel like they're thinking: "What a fucking nerd". Then it didn't help that I saw a T-Shirt in Belk's that read: NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR BLOG!
*gasp*, clutch the pearls!! My feelings were actually hurt, a little bit, then I knocked it off the hanger and it fell on the floor and I walked off..I'm so childish

I want to tell more people but sometimes I worry that someone will figure out who I am by the stuff I talk about and tell Belly he's on a blog...what would I REALLY do if that happened??? I would probably lie and to get the "heat" off of me, I would say it was another co-worker who wrote it...I know, I'm a coward but being mean is just so much fun.

I, like Miss Zoot, love to post multiple times in a day..so what?? Screw you, you blog haters!!

Ok, I feel better now..maybe I should do some actual work now..damn work

Random BullSh*t I Think About In Traffic

My car has 191,800 miles on it..still running somehow, but barely

Michael Jackson's song P.Y.T literally got me to work today. I SO wanted to be one of the P.Y.T's that "Repeat after me" sayin' NA NA NA
Look, I was 10 years old, leave me alone!!

I saw a truck with a baby shoe hanging off the hitch..WTF??
Now, living in the South I'm used to the Boat Propeller and the Hanging Balls but baby shoes???

While I'm speeding and switching lanes, I thought about a story I saw on the news about a girl who died while driving. The sad part to me was that they showed her friends talking about her AT the accident scene saying: "She always drove fast and reckless, Speed Kills"...WTF?? Thanks, bitches for making me look good after I died..'preciate it!! Jees..who needs friends huh?

What on Earth is Leatheresque? Cheap-Ass Value City furniture has a sale on it..
Don't be jealous but, I already have some lovely cheap-ass furniture from Rooms To Go.

WHY THE HELL CAN'T PEOPLE TURN LEFT FASTER??? I swear to god, you have the Green Arrow..nothing is coming, GO you crazy bitch.

I'm in love with Crafster.Org, oh you didn't know I was a crafty bitch??..well now you do

YAAAAAY Me!!!

Oh. My. God.
I just got an e-mail from Bobby Griffin from the Bestest Blog of All Time stating that I , yes me, have just gotten the Bestest Blog of the Day! (where's my parade dammit!!??!!)

I'm so happy!! Thanks to Bobby and definitely thanks to Neila from "Blog that Mommy!"
(You guys know I love the "mommy blogs"..I'll need all the help I can get when I become a mommy/crazy lady with the milk jugs on her chest.)

I now have some sort of "performance anxiety" now and have nothing to say...is this what men who have to take Viagra feel like???

Oh wait, here's something..Belly tried to make me look at him this morning so that he could demonstrate the thickness of a hamburger..something about it was dirty sounding...eww
Not that he could describe the thickness of ANYthing in his private area..he probably hasn't seen it in years.

Must. Vomit. Now.

Not a Peep

Ok, one last thing and I'll stop blog-harrassing you today.

Rememeber my "Theiving Bitch" incident from the other day? Well the day it happened, I sent an email to my supervisor and our director's executive assistant informing them of "the theft" thinking: "Oh yeah..that hungry bitch is going DOWN!!"
Well because they care about me so damn much around here...THEY HAVEN'T SAID A DAMN WORD!! No email response, no informal meeting to say "Too bad, bitch" ...NOTHING!!

Damn Corporate Machine!!

Then as if that wasn't bad enough..I keep hearing the damn Jimmy Dean BreakFast Sandwich radio commercial EVERY day on my way to work..god is mocking me.

A Somewhat Hateful Resemblence That Makes Me Laugh

Today after being subjected to mega-super man giggle by Belly all morning, I noticed that he laughs kinda like Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane.

Of course he looks more like Boss Hogg.

Wanna hear something funny?? As I was surfing the internet looking for the above pictures, Belly's nosy ass leaned over my wall and chortles:

Whatdaya have a picture of Roscoe on your screen for?? [insert stupid ass man-giggle here] I told him I was looking at the dog (thank god we talked about me wanting a bassett hound the other day). Then this jackass (in another lame attempt to keep the conversation going) starts doing the "Roscoe laugh"..coo coo coo coo..coo coo coo

His retarded ass NEVER put two and two together to realize that he laughs THE SAME DAMN WAY!!!

I had to run into the ladies room to laugh and I almost pissed myself...oh, the comedy

I really need to keep an eye on that nosy fucker though.....curses!! That means I have to look at him.

Healthy Eating Tips..from a fat bastard

I overheard Belly telling our co-worker that he "doesn't care for" Fried Foods and that he mostly Broils or Bakes meats.....this coming from a man that is 5 foot zero (minus 8 feet) and weighs 7000 pounds.

Then later on I remember that he admitted that he likes "pastries"..who says pastries?? Him I guess.
This one time, (at Band Camp..ok, that's getting old) he made a cake for an office get together, it was dry as the Sahara so no one really ate it. He brought back half of it and I said "Well you could take it home to your kids" and he said "Nah, I'll just finish it so it won't go to waste"
He then proceeded to eat HALF A FUCKING CAKE!!! I looked over at one point and he was in a kind of trance-like state..high on the sugar I guess. I've had that high but I've never eaten half a fucking cake.
He's on a new diet and claims to have lost weight..I don't see it.. and before you accuse me of being mean, (Who? Me?) the other cube-mates say he's getting bigger too. That outta control beard isn't helping. He looks like he's storing nuts for the winter.

Maybe there's cake in there!!

STFU

If you watch wrestling, you've probably heard of STFU.

It means: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

And Belly needs to follow it's direction....
In his low self esteem effort to force conversation at all times, he told us some bullshit story of how his sister, on a bet, trained her cat to use the toilet. ("Meet The Parents" anyone??)

I am sooo not in the mood for him today..he must have noticed that I noticed that he has a tit staring problem 'cuz he kept his eyes upward when he harassed me today.

Did that fucker just say "Hunky Dory" to a caller?????? I swear to god..

We Don't Have THAT Kind Of Money Dammit!!!

I went to my co-worker's FABULOUS wedding this weekend..It was THE most fab one I've been to but it was close dammit. I was definitely jealous, mostly beacause I'm pretty sure my wedding will be NOTHING like it..

must. win. lotto.

First of all, I have 4 words for you...OPEN BAR ALL NIGHT!!! Are you aware how much something like that costs?? It's a lot I tell ya.

The wedding started at around 5pm..ish. You know that they were on colored people's time, cuz that's what we do..anyway, It was in a really nice church..too bad it was in "The 'Hood".

The Bride was fabulous and if you knew her, you would know that she ALWAYS looks fabulous..I betcha her tiara had real diamonds in it..god, I hate her...

I nearly had a Bridezilla moment on her behalf because when we got to the reception hall, A cool, old Train Depot, the room wasn't ready and we had to pile on top of each other in the lobby..it's too damn hot for all THAT foolishness!!

Once they finally opened the doors, there was a beautiful white carriage and a gazebo where all the gifts were stored..fabulous dammit..and there there was THE BAR..with a line as long as the Nile.

I finally got my drink but didn't have a tip for the bartender..more on why later...damn men

The food was really good too, some sort of tenderloin of beef and a stuffed chicken breast - Florentine they called it - It was stuffed with what looked like spinach and cheese..the people at my table didn't eat the spinach..no need for E coli this early in the evening.

There were some boughetto moments though...
They came into the reception to the sounds of T.I. "Bring Em Out" a song in which the opening lyric is "It's hard to yell when a barrel's in yo mouth"!! *eeek* (clutching the pearls)
And their first dance was to Busta Rhymes " I Love My Chick (Bitch)".

Hell, I can't talk, Me and The Other Half plan to come out to "The Big Payback" by James Brown - We thought "Hot Pants" or "Man's World" would be funny too.

A "Big Girl" represented at the bouquet toss..she was about 6'5", 250 and she had a tube-top mini dress on..yeah, wow. When we saw her "getting ready to catch" so to speak, we got the hell out of her way.
The fist fight for the bouquet was pretty tame by Black wedding standards.

Then there was the customary Electric Slide and lest we forget the Cha Cha Slide..
ok listen, I have tried and fucking tried and I cannot do the electric slide right..I know..I should have the stereotypical "rhythm in my bones" but when it comes to that damn dance..I just can't do it!! [running away - weeping].
I do however, do a damn good job and playing it off..no one seemed to notice..I think.

All this has me worried about my "whenever" wedding - We Don't Have THAT Kind Of Money Dammit!!!
Not that I feel like marrying The Other Half anyway right now. Because as I mentioned earlier, I didn't have any money to tip the bartender, all because of The Other Half. Here's the long, drawn out story:

A WEEK AGO, I requested use of his "new" car to drive to the wedding since mine had a crappy tire on it and it was dirty. (TWO WEEKS AGO, I asked him to be my date but he was acting "all funny" like he didn't want to go..so screw him) He said yes to the car thing and I was happy. Well Saturday rolled around and he had to work.
At 6am he got up, got ready, kissed me goodbye and left. A little later on I looked out the window AND THERE WAS MY DAMN CAR!! WTF happened to his car??..that bastard left with it..that's what.

He called later in the day to check in and I asked him when he would be home..since dammit, I needed the car. He say's " oh I should be done soon"..yeah, bullshit.
I called him back at around 2:45 ( I needed to leave by 4:00) and he says "you'll have to come get it" WTFFFFFFF???? Now I have to drive about 40 fucking minutes round trip just to pick his car and drop mine off and still have time to get ready! I pulled up to his work on two wheels and he has the nerve to ask if I'm mad. What??
Anyway, since I'm already late, I jump out of my car grabbing what I thought was all my stuff, jump into his car and drive all the way back home..This is when I realize that I left my cell phone/wallet in the other car...shit shit shit.
It was already 3:45 and I wasn't going back so I just said "Fuck It", took a 14 second shower, did something to the weave, got dressed and got the hell outta there..pissed off, going 200 miles an hour the whole way.
Well, after the wedding, I was feeling all "loved up" and I decided I didn't want to be mad at him. I was hoping to see him when I got home.

Mr. "I'm so tired I could just die" wasn't even home!!!! You would think that after working 36 hours in the past 3 days, he would want to be home..well that's what I get for thinking.
All Sunday he watched footbal and barely said 6 words to me. Whatever...OH!!!! and then he had the nerve to go out again!!
I promise you, I will kill him if he keeps this shit up. I've tried my best to not be the "asshole girlfriend" but I think she's ready to break out.

Anyway..it was a nice wedding and he should have just left the damn car with me.

Stop Looking At My Hooters

I know they're big, luscious and lovely but is it neccessary to stare THAT LONG at them?? Did you think that I didn't notice the million second stare?

I actually made the mistake of turning toward Belly today while discussing something stupid he did. I was standing, he was sitting so that basically made him tit-level, But there was a cubicle wall there to protect me right..NOPE.
That is just gross..and perverted..I could see it coming from a bastard on the street but from your co-worker?? Why can't you camouflage it like most men do???

My stomach is actually churning and are those bugs under my skin????

Eww..must. vomit. now

Bitch Stole My Fish..Or Something Like That..

Today a co-worker let me know that someone stole one of my Jimmy Dean Croissant Breakfast Sandwiches. We work at a really big company that has lots of divisions.
Our division is one of the few that is allowed to have a refrigerator (we actually have 2).
I bought a box of the sandwiches since they were a good price. 6 sandwiches come in the box. I ate 1 per day for the the past 2 days so that would leave..carry the 1 and divide by the integer..There should be 4 DAMN sandwiches left!! Well guess how many there were..go 'head, I'll wait..Yes!! Only 3 sandwiches left!!

My co-worker said she watched this bitch go into the freezer, take the sandwich, HEAT THE BASTARD UP in the microwave and walk back to her shitty little desk!!
My eagle eyed co-worker decided to investigate since other people aren't supposed to be using the fridge. She opened the freezer and noticed that (cuz I'm smart) my name AND phone number were on the box..the top flap..you HAVE to see it when you open it..Stealing Ho. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt..maybe she's hungry and/or poor..wait we make pretty good money here..WTF?? Maybe she smokes crack...who knows

I wanted to put a note that said: BITCH, STEALING IS UGLY!! BUY YOUR OWN DAMN BREAKFAST but I refrained.. If I see that cow again, I'll make her choke on the next sandwich.