Damn You, Friday The 13th

Well damn it all to hell.....

I got into a car accident on Friday.

Since I was STILL mad at TOH (he contributed to my anger REPEATEDLY throughout the week..more on that at another time) I decided to take the day off.

My plans were to:

1. Get my weave tightened/exchanged
2. Eat wherever and whatever I wanted to
3. Shop till most of my money was gone
4. Meet friends for dinner
5. Go drinking and bowling with those friends and more co-workers

Numbers 1, 2 and 3 went well..I'll tell you about my hairdresser's demon seed child next post. I was feeling all good and looking cute with numerous unnecessary purchases in the trunk.

Well, on the way to #4, I was exiting the freeway. I noticed that traffic was heavy on the off-ramp so I slowed down....then the fucker shithead bastard in front of me SLAMS on his raggedy brakes (for no good reason) and I had to swerve to the right to avoid hitting his dumb ass. I ended up next to him in the right-hand emergency lane...I looked over and let his ass have it..It seemed the two guys in the car didn't speak much english..they were just kinda staring at the crazy black broad.

Just when I thought it was all over and I was 5 seconds into my cussing and threatening fit, BAM!!!!!! A gold car hit me from behind...the assholes I tried to avoid hitting just stared at me some more and took off.

I sat there for a few seconds making sure I wasn't bleeding or anything then I got out of the car only to find absolutely "flipped the fuck out" young girl screaming and crying...for some reason, I was crying too..scared I guess.

When I got to the back of my car that's when I "flipped the fuck out" and called 911..I don't remember much but I'm sure that call was incoherent and strange.

I do however, remember that my god damned license plate was in the middle of the freeway..and I'm thinking: "son of a bitch..how am I going to get that back?????"
The girl that hit me saw me looking and she starts screaming "OH MY GOOOOOD!!DON'T GO GET THAT!!!"

I said: "umm, okay sugar..calm down and get back in the car" ('cuz you're making me really nervous)
She absolutely REFUSED to get back in the car and started crying again, saying that someone she knew died yesterday in a car accident...poor girl.
She kept saying it was "her fault" and that she swerved when she saw me swerve but didn't think she would hit my car "like that".

A couple minutes later..here come the cops...license, insurance, what happened, young girl freaking out some more ..blah, blah blah. Her parents pulled up behind the cop..damn, I wish my parents would have come down to ME from the side of the road.
Her Camry was jacked all the hell up. The hood was crumpled and parts of her shit were all over the place. My car's bumper was scraped and had numerous holes in it but (knock on wood) it was still attached. Good 'ole American Muscle..I guess....

The Cop then stopped traffic to get my license plate and props it up in my back window..('preciate that, officer), gives me a subpoena and tells me to "get on home now"..(don't ya just love the South??)

TOH was nice enough to come home and barely ask me how I was..jees, can't I just smother him in his sleep??

My neck was hurting so I went to the hospital that's run by my health insurance company...FOUR FUCKING HOURS LATER, I've had4 X-rays, 6 gallons of blood drawn, an insulin shot, a prescription for a damn fine muscle relaxer and an extended chastising by the doctor about my blood sugar...The whole time she was "yelling" at me, all I was thinking was: "look lady, I'm stressed!! Can i just go drinking now???"

One good thing, I've lost 12 pounds so far..think I'll be "bikini-fine by summer time"?..probably not, more like "one piece with a wrap and a large beach towel-fine by fall" but anywhooo...

I went home, ate a big hamburger and some fries, took the muscle relaxer, realized that the drug label said to NOT TAKE WITH A HIGH FAT OR HEAVY MEAL then drifted off to sleep..I wonder what that label meant??..again, anywhoooo

I woke up the next day and wasn't dead OR paralyzed from the neck down so everything must be OK.

An adjuster from my insurance company came by on Saturday and gave me an estimate..freakin' $650 to replace and paint a bumper?? Damn, thank god it wasn't worse...think I could get them to paint the whole damn car while they're at it..or would that be insurance fraud..who knows??

Wouldn't you now it, after he left, I noticed that THE ENTIRE EXHAUST SYSTEM WAS HANGING DOWN under my car..I was wondering what that damn noise was...how did he NOT see that??

Damn you, Friday the 13th!!!!!

Can I JUST Be Left Alone????

So there I was, watching Lost on ABC.com..MINDING MY OWN DAMN BUSINESS, when yeah, you guessed it...Belly decides it's time to call my name 57 times.

The show was getting to the good part where the black powder monster thing is chasing these two broads through the woods - and I was all into it

at lunch

with my headphones on

technically "busy"

and I could sort of hear him saying: "Hey"..."hey...hey"...

I, of course acted like I didn't hear him - then he BELLOWS all loud and shit: "LINKA!!!!!!!!!" (At least 20 people turned to look)
My immediate and unexpected reaction was to yell back "WHAT!!!???" just as loud..that jackass scared me...crazy bitch-bastard.

Then he has the nerve to ask (after ALL that) Uh, did you finish your employee survey?

Huh?

I told him no, gave him a shitty look and promptly turned my attention to Lost.....What a freaking weirdo. He just stood there looking all sheepish and dumb with his jello belly and beady, bugged out eyes.

What in the blue hell is wrong with this man???

Men Are Stupid - A Continuing Series

Can I choke TOH out please???

I am officially "not speaking" to The Other Half this week.

Saturday, we decided that we would have Easter dinner on Sunday. I went out and bought a cute little spiral sliced ham and decided on some sides.
We woke up Sunday morning and did a little spring cleaning - We should be ashamed of ourselves, letting the TV get THAT dusty...anywhooo...

I slaved over a hot stove for about two hours that afternoon - and you know I hate that.
Meanwhile, every few minutes, TOH would come in from the back porch and pour himself a drink, praising me each time for being "such a good cook and a great girlfriend"....1 drink, 2 drinks, 3 drinks....5 drinks later!!!: He comes in and goes to the bedroom.
I figure he's going to get washed up for dinner since he CLAIMED that we were having company, his best friend from down the road. I let him know dinner was just about ready.

Around 20 minutes later, I noticed that it was kind of quiet back there, (kinda like when you're babysitting kids and you just KNOW that they are back there fuckin' something up).

I went back there to find this boy ASLEEEEEEEEP!!!! I was kind of pissed but he looked cute so I let him sleep for a while.

That was at 6:00pm

At 7:00pm, starving and pissed, I called his friend, only to be informed that he wouldn't be coming..and that he told TOH this news TWO FUCKING HOURS AGO!!!!

I "attempted" to wake him up....only got incoherent mumbling......

7:30pm - Ate Easter Sunday dinner by myself

8:00pm - tried to wake his ass up again..more mumbling..then a promise to get up and eat - "In a minute"

9:45pm - Thought of ways to smother him in his sleep and/or stab him and make it look like an accident

10:30 - Pissed, packed all the food up for lunches and what-not. Wrapped his "damn plate" in plastic wrap and cleaned the "fucking kitchen"Slamming doors and cabinets for maximum effect.

10:50pm - Made him move out of his "hog the bed, diagonal, drunk person" position so that I could go to sleep on my side

11:00pm - listened to him apologize profusely after I cussed him out and called him a closet alcoholic AND a raging asshole, then told him he made me feel like an ass-crack for trying to do something special for his inconsiderate ASS....

11:30 - still mad, trying to sleep, now I have acid reflux..great, what next? - Locusts?? Boils??

I Am SO Jane Fonda...

I went to the gym last night and finally figured out what these damn healthy people are talking about.....

I got on the treadmill and after 15 minutes at an "almost" running pace...I FELT FREAKIN' GREAT!!!

No pain in my knees

No pain in my ass

Exercise almost seemed like fun.. who knew??

Then it was all ruined..the treadmill next to me was wobbly so anyone who got on it, soon got off if it...except for this little old Asian lady...who insisted on staying...get ready to be offended, Asian people...

She smelled of garlic SO BAD, that it ran me out of the treadmill area...yeck!!

And wouldn't you know it, she then showed up in my water aerobics class..damn it all to hell!!!!

Speaking of aerobics, my spirit is STILL broken from the whole Cardio Funk incident..I TRIED to go back to that class but my legs wouldn't move..

damn evil Cardio Funk.

I'm Going To Knock His Teeth Out....

Belly is on the "Fatkins" diet.

That diet says you can eat large bags of pork rinds wheneva ya want...oh, the hilarity.

Today Belly decides that he'll let me witness this foolishness "up close and personal".

I heard the bag crumpling..then I heard him bragging about his stupid ass snack for a good five to ten minutes..then out of fucking nowhere, here comes "the crunch heard around the globe"..I look back to find this jackass bending over MY trash can, in MY cubicle, eating his fried pork ass...I wanted to kill him..but I was on a call...he continued with this crap until I turned and gave him a dirty, shitty look...then he looked at me all sheepish and dumb and said: "Sorry, didn't want to make a mess on my shirt".

I'm truly at a loss for words....

Feeling Better..Sort Of

Well the air is finally fixed in the apartment..now it's TOO cold..

see, a bitch is never satisfied

Anyway, me and TOH tried to jump start the car..no luck..I'm pretty sure we were doing something wrong, but you can't tell a man, at least MY man, a damn thing...

another day of bumming rides with co-workers..(thank god Belly didn't offer to pick me up..whew!!)

The next day I took it upon myself to take the battery out. Yaay, Me.

What the hell was I thinking??? It took an HOUR to get it out...the brilliant minds at GM thought it would be a great idea to hide it under 6 million engine components including, but not limited to, the engine cross-brace, the washer fluid reservoir, the fuse relay box AND a battery anchor from hell.

I took it Autozone because I swore that I bought it there....of course once I got there, they informed me that I actually bought it at Advance Auto..ooops, my bad.

Sensing my embarrassment, the cute little guy at Autozone offered to test it and charge it for free. I had to leave it overnight, and I finally got it back yesterday.

Woo hoo..more mechanicing (a word??). The Other Half has taken to calling me "Shadetree" as in shadetree mechanic..he thinks he's cute.

We finally got the bastard back in the engine and voila, "Big Black" is up and running again. we drove STRAIGHT to the car wash..pollen is really bad here and the car had been sitting for almost 4 days..yeck.

Damn It

The air conditioner in my apartment broke this weekend...stupid ass maintenance man didn't show up until Sunday...then claimed that he didn't have the part I needed and that he MAY have it on Monday sometime..fucker

Have you ever tried to sleep in an oppressively hot room with a large black man snuggling up next to you?? Believe me, it sucks..now I know what the slaves must have felt like on the "ride over here".

And if all THAT wasn't bad enough....My car wouldn't start this morning..shit, shitty shit shit

That's What I Get For Being A Cocky Bitch....

I went to Cardio Funk class at Bally Total Fitness last night...somebody kill me please.

The instructor's name was Peter. He was pretty fucking hot ( he looked like an ex stripper) but by the end of the class, I wanted to follow him to his car and kick him in the nuts.

I walked in there all cocky and shit, saying to myself: "Oh yeah, I got this...I am a Dance, Dance, Dance, Dance, Dancin Machine (Watch me get down)...look at all these slugs in here...what is she? Mexican or something? I have wayyyy more rhythm than that heffa...Omigod!! Is that Richard Simmons ???"

Yes people, there was a very pasty, very gay-like man in there with a striped HEADBAND and DOLPHIN SHORTS...what in the fucking hell??

Anyway, I digress...

So Mr. Sexy Stripper Man starts the music - Kirk Franklin's Looking For You - A nice slow to mid tempo song about Jesus...(something I definitely need). And here I go again with the cockiness: "Oh yeah, I am sooo the shi..oops this is a church song...THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN!!!..Mr. Sexy Stripper Man turns the BPM's up to about 600 and starts flailing around all crazy...but here's the fuckin' kicker: THE WHOLE CLASS KNEW THE "ROUTINE"!!!

I looked like a complete asshole.....

Shamed as all hell, I tried to stay near the back of the class - in the "scrub section" - but Peter kept making us do twirls and shit so I would end up in the "front" of the class - with all the advanced people gawking at my awkward ass..so sad

And then if all that wasn't bad enough...IT WAS HOT IN THERE!! There was one of those damn "hot" yoga classes right before ours..damn yoga people.
So anyway, 10 seconds into the workout, I was sweating like Belly at a Doughnut Convention.

Sweaty is not cute..yeckkkk

Food Day Hell

So we're celebrating March birthdays and anniversaries today.

That means FOOD DAY...

That means Belly will be COMPLETELY out of control....

Oh Wait!! He claims to be on a DIET... Yeah, whateva

So here's what has happened so far:

Co-worker: I need to plug this crock pot in somewhere near the food table (which is in the middle of the aisle, not near a plug)
Me: Hmm...there's a plug over there in that EMPTY cubicle
Co-Worker: Cool, I'll take it...
Belly: LINKA!! LINKA!!! Tell her I had a LONG cord over here in MY cube
Co-Worker: (Startled by Belly as usual) Umm..no, that's OK. I can put it over th...
Belly: NO REALLY, Put it in MY cube!!! Here!! Here!!

WHAT A FUCKING WEIRDO!!

So the co-worker finally breaks down and moves the crock pot into Belly's cubicle. Every few minutes the poor girl had to go over and stir the dip - Belly conveniently had it close to him so that she would "have to" snug up against him to stir...eww, fuckin' eww

She finally had enough and decided to move it elsewhere..so sad

Great Balls Of Fire

Belly has this annoying habit of sitting down REALLY fast in his office chair....We have adjustable desks that raise to a "standing" height. From time to time while on a call, Belly will suddenly decide to sit his fat ass down.

It sounds like a really loud zipper...and it is all I can do to not burst out laughing when people peer over their cubicles with perplexed looks on their faces as if to say: "What in the fucking-hell is that noise??"

I imagine that one day, a blazing inferno will spring up from his surprisingly miniscule ass..can you imaginge THAT level of stinkosity????

And wouldn't ya know it...as I was typing this, HE DID IT AGAIN!!...that chair is a goner...