Pregnancy From Hell - An Update

So yeah...I had been throwing up for 6 months...I hated all food...even water made me gag...then when I hit 7 months all of a sudden, it stopped..damn it all.

Food textures are still a little weird to me but I was always a weirdo about chicken (chunks of chicken = gag).

Fresh Hell: Ankle and foot swelling..great, joy, happiness.

Last Sunday I thought I'd get all cute and go to the Big Super Big Fucking Deal Mall of The South and do a little shopping and walking..because the doctor said to walk and stuff. I was standing there in Old Navy trying on dress #50,000 that made me look like either:

1. an overstuffed sausage or
2. a fat ass in a tent/tarp/hot air balloon when all of a sudden I decided to look down...oh noes...my foot looked like Professor Klump when he was transforming..GAG! SCREAM! CLAMP HAND OVER MOUTH CUZ I REALIZED I WAS IN PUBLIC!

I have NEVER seen ANYthing on my body swell like that..eww...then I was all embarassed because I was probably walking around like that for the past fucking hour. *sigh*....pregnancy sucks donkey balls

Ooo, but I got a "work restriction" from my doctor that says I can only work 8 hours a day intead of the usual 10..a small victory, I suppose, because I was begging for "complete bedrest" but the good ole doc wouldn't fall for my bullshit.

Fresh Funness: the baby KICKS..that shit is actually kind of cool..she also must be a budding nudist because my stomach only feels good if my shirt is pulled up over my belly..as if she wants to watch TV or make ugly faces at my co-workers too...smh...it is SO not cute when I feel the need to do this particular move at my desk...obviously something that is frowned upon in this establishment..fuck 'em.

Feel Free To Go STRAIGHT To Hell - Today's Pregnant Lady Rant

OK PEOPLE..NEWS FLASH!!

SOMETIMES, BEING PREGNANT FUCKING SUCKS!!

*GASP*..Clutch the pearls Annie Mae!!

Apparently, where I work, this is an "unpopular" attitude to have.

If I don't come in to work doing cartwheels with stardust and rainbows shooting out of my ass every morning, I am: "being a big ole baby".

Seriously, people are just fucking crushed that I'm not always thrilled to be in my current "condition"...umm, huh?

Most of you heffas have never even birthed so much as a good idea but now all of a sudden, you are the pregnancy experts?!?

oooo..and the ones that REALLY scorch my grits are the ones that HAVE been pregnant before and how they seem to forget how it all went down....{insert mean face here}

And I'm pissed at myself for not telling them how I really feel when they ask me all loud and chipper-like: "HOW ARRRRRE YOOOOOOUUUUUUU?!?! SQUEEEEEEEE!!!"because when I do..they look all crushed or just look at me like I'm an ungrateful whore...sigh

And then the stank looks you get when you slightly pull away when they get all "handsy" on your stomach...sorry if I don't feel like being molested in the break room today.

Try waking up every morning - not having slept the night before because you had to piss every 45 minutes - to constant gagging and an over all feeling of "ick"..

Oh and THIS:

• constipation,
• weird hair growth
• itchy skin
• MORE gagging and vomit at the slightest sniff of a nasty ass smell
• having to buy BIG OLE "PANTY DRAWS"..they don't come in cute styles OR colors
• uncontrollable crying...at the drop of a hat

Try that list of sexiness for 9 months and see how fucking bright and shiny YOU feel in the mornings.

Current Rant Over...thankyouverymuch.

I Know, I Suck...

Once again, I have been cheating on you with another website...his name is Facebook..and he's sexy...plus, he has more money and he his peen is bigger so umm...

My new pregnancy brain will not allow me to write the long, ridiculous paragraphs that you have become accustomed to so I've taken to saying dumb shit in my Facebook status box instead:

Tuesday at 9:01pm - Sigh, Glee was great tonight

February 6 at 9:29pm - sigh...Troy Polamalu is sexy as all hell...but I have this weird urge to put pretty braids and barettes in his hair.
#donttellmyhusband #weirdness

February 6 at 8:13pm - I want a light-up bra top like Fergie's..my luck, I'd get electrocuted tryin' to be cute.

February 5 at 8:14pm - How in the blue hell is a place called Sushi 101 going to be OUT of sushi??? And you wonder why pregnant women are hateful...
#blamethefetus

February 4 at 1:06pm - I'm having a very "WTF" kind of day..I thought I'd have a healthy breakfast smoothie but found a way to break an important piece off of my $130 blender..sigh
Then I wanted a grilled cheese (screw healthy) and found a way to burn the hell out of 1 side...and as I was scraping the burnt off of it, it fell in the damn trash can..I guess I can be happy that I'm still alive..

I would write something else but the baby says it's time for us to vomit and take a 4 hour nap...

Because I am A Raging Dumbass, That's Why

Christ God, I need to post here more regularly..or something.

Ok so a couple of weeks ago, I decided to ACCIDENTALLY nearly kill myself and the baby..because I was sleepy and shit.

For the past three years I've been on insulin two types of insulin (Before that I was on oral medication for my Type 2 Diabetes but that crap gives babies birth defects).

Up until the other night, I'd never had a problem with the dosages...but I'm stupid or something.

Earlier that day my blood sugar had been low twice and all I wanted to do was sleep. I fixed the low blood sugar issues and took a nap..like 4 times.

Later on in the evening, I ate some dinner and went back to bed. I woke up at about 11:30pm knowing that I had to take my "night time" dosage of Lantus (a "long acting" insulin) and a little snack because I had already taken my normal 3 mealtime dosages of Novalog (a "fast acting" insulin)...well, um..err,um

Instead of taking 75 units of the LONG ACTING, I stood right there in my kitchen and shot up 75 units of the FAST ACTING insulin (which I'm only supposed to take 30 units of) ...

yeah.."oh shit" is right.

AS SOON as I noticed what I did, I speed dialed the Kaiser Permanente Advice Nurse and explained to her what I did...all the while, trying to hold my already fragile shit together.

She made me eat a whole bunch of crap like bread, apples and peanut butter and constantly test my blood sugar while she called my OB/GYN and then my Internist on the other line. When she got back on the phone she asked if my husband was there...

Me: Yes, why?

Nurse: WAKE HIM IMMEDIATELY AND TELL HIM TO CALL 911!!!

Huh? wha?

Oh hell....

So I wake him up out a deeeeep sleep, screaming some shit about calling 911 and get your shoes on..poor guy.

I tried to tell the nurse that I could literally see the hospital from my front door and that an ambulance wasn't necessary but she wasn't falling for such bullshit and made them come anyway...sigh...even the responding Paramedic asked me if I just wanted to have my husband drive me over there..when the nurse heard that she flipped her shit again...double sigh.

So there I am, dressed in the worst outfit I have ever thrown together, hair flying in 42 different directions, out in 30 degree weather, riding in the back of an ambulance for ONE WHOLE MILE..damn it all to hell, that one mile will cost me $100 - Thanks Kaiser Healthcare.

They put me in a nice little private room in the ER..(it had a TV and everything) so that they could monitor and poke on me.

Sadly, the kitchen was closed by the time I got there so they tried to feed me a cold ham sandwich...ummm, 'scuse me Nurse Lady, ever heard of LISTERIA!!?!!

She was all "oh, my bad"..and then proceeded to bring me an assload of graham crackers, apple juice, saltines and the nastiest ass tubs of Smuckers peanut butter I have ever eaten (gag)...they should stick to making jelly.

I probably would have caused a scene and got all diva-like..but I was worried that my mug shot would have looked like the female version of this:

And you know damn well, I couldn't go out like that....

Besides, a couple of the ER nurses looked like Chicago Bears line-backers and no one wants a mugshot like this one either:

What exactly the fuck was going THERE??

Anyway, I spent the next 7 hours watching TV and eating birthday cake from the nurse's station..because that's the level of care that they provide at my local hospital..nothing but THE BEST for me and my baby.

AHEM..anyway

My poor husband tried to tough it out on the plastic chairs in the room for a few hours but I finally made him go home to try to get some sleep.

He tried to put on the obligatory "oh Honey, I can't leave you" face but I knew he burned rubber out of the parking lot on the way home that morning.

Finally my blood sugar stabilized and they cut me loose. The ER doctor told me not to take any insulin for the rest of the day..(because I obviously cannot be trusted with a syringe).

Fine by me, all I did was eat, sleep and watch TV all day..yay me.

Pissy

I'm starting to think that pregnancy is all about piss...

EVERY time I go to the OB/GYN, I have to piss in a cup..every. damn. time..it's stupid but I guess it's necessary..or something

Last week, the doctor claimed to need a big ole jug of my piss for testing purposes. The thought of this made me dry heave..but he IS a doctor after all.
I went to the lab and was handed a lovely BRIGHT ORANGE piss jug in a way too small BRIGHT BLUE plastic bag...oh, so subtle.
I took it home and sat on the toilet trying to figure out just how the fuck I was supposed to maneuver:
1) All this ass
2) That big ole jug
3) A bathroom the size of a phone booth

Because I've been to WAY too many High School parties, a red plastic cup came to mind..still..big ass, small bathroom..potential disaster...or pissaster..(ok, I'll understand if you slap the taste out of my mouth over that one.)
Anywhooo, for a full 24 hours, I pissed into a cup, gagged, poured piss into a big cup, gagged again, screamed and cried while I rinsed the cup out with shower gel, bleach and scalding hot bathtub water and oh..get this..it HAD TO STAY IN THE REFRIGERATOR!! All nice and chilled like a summer time beverage.

*faint*

I had that thing bagged up like a dead body the whole time..It kept me up that night wondering if it had a leak in it...I swear, if it did, I would have bought a whole new refrigerator for that place..and we rent!
I tried to be invisible as possible while standing in line at the lab the next day..but noooo..the broad at the desk took one look at me and my "special little bag" and commenced to slapping on a bright blue latex glove...bitch..what is it with Kaiser Healthcare and these bright ass colors??

Then, if that wasn't bad enough, I went to the Perinatologist (because I'm old-like and have health issues) and they required yet another piss sample..but THIS place didn't have all kinds of cute little ledges for you to place your piss covered, itty bitty cup on...they didn't even have the little trap door thingie..(ugh, ghetto?)
So there I was, teetering over the toilet in this weird , badly lit bathroom, the nurse patiently waiting outside for me to hurry the fuck up, quads burning because I'm a lazy ass, trying to hold my pants and panties out of the piss stream with one hand, too small cup in the other,holding my shirt and sweater under my chin, head swirling from being at that weird angle for that long..and it happened..I dribbled a little on the back of my pants and panties...*gag* GOD DAMN IT ALL!!!
I teetered the cup on the slick ass sink edge - praying that it wouldn't slide off and splash all over the fucking floor..because really, that would have killed me...
I tried to blot my clothes...then I took to using the hand soap and hard ass paper towels..shiiiiit damnitttttt fuckinnn helll.
The nurse was all "Are you ok?"..and because I'm a wonderful actress, I said "Oh, just FIIIINE!".
I'm convinced that I smelled like a Skid Row wino for the rest of the exam...

*sigh*

And because the universe likes to kick me in the face, I found out today that they ran the wrong test on my first jug of piss and now they need ANOTHER one...

I'm almost afraid to ask "what next?"..because with my luck, it will probably be a stool sample....

Somebody's Home...Still

Thanksgiving..we spent it in the backwoods with the in-laws...I have never laughed so hard in my life. They are some of my favorite people on this earth..weird huh?

We finally told them about the baby {insert screaming, hollering and crying here}

I was able to get about a speck of signal strength 2 out of the 4 days we were there..sigh

What else happened..ummm..hmm

Oh..yeah, I went to my official "First OB Appointment"..it's been a month in the making - damn you bleeding uterus - We heard the heartbeat (cute!!) and Lil Peanut did a dance for us (showoff - OBVIOUSLY my child)

The nurse/midwife says that everything looks good in there and I guess I believe her. My blood pressure is being an asshole so they are making me double up on my meds - Oh Joy.
For some reason, they found it necessary to take FOURTEEN vials of blood from me!! - huh? By the time I got home I felt like somebody had kicked my ass all over town..and I was FREEZING. Remind me to never do that again.

Here's a pic of the spawn..and I only say that because, at certain angles, he/she looks like he/she has horns...no really, LOOK!

Yay Peanut

So Wednesday, I went and got a "follow-up" ultrasound and got to see lil Peanut...um, wow, that was CRAZY!

Even though he/she only has a huge head and some lil nubs for arms and legs - he/she is a fucking dancing machine..yep, that's MY baby alright.

I heard the heartbeat...double wow...they say it's a good one too.

According to the Ultrasound Tech, Peanut looked to be about 8 weeks and 2 days at that time.

I'm still spotting and despite all my whining and crying, the doctor seems to think that this is normal..I dunno though, it still freaks me out.

I'm supposed to be on "pelvic rest" so that means no heavy lifting, housework or sex...

Damn, I was supposed to film "Hot, Heavy Box Lifting, Pregnant Maids" next week..

damn it all to hell.

Ok, Yeah..That

On the 11th I took another hCG test and it was 41,000.....not doubled like it was "supposed" to be..I'm not sure what to do about that and I'm STILL spotting EVERY day....no pelvic pain, heavy bleeding or fever so I guess that's a good sign?

I called the doctor and had to leave a fucking message..yay.

I have a follow-up ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday and I plan on just walking in today and getting another blood test since it seems no one can be bothered to fucking call me back.

I'm scared, irritated and anxious...so yeah, that.

While I was writing this from work, I called the "advice nurse" and told her everything. She's going to tell the Midwife on Duty about the situation and they will get back to me...

SIGH..I hate waiting.

Lil Peanut Update

So I went to the doctor on Thursday and it seems that my uterus is quite crowded..no, not multiples - calm down..sheesh.

It's the damn fibroids..they're huge and stuff and they have made my girly parts all big.

For example, a regular woman's uterus is say, a precious little boutique - 6 cm maybe...mine? it's the Mall of America..measuring at over 20 cm!!..yay?

It is so huge, they could not find Lil Peanut at first...so I had to go over to Radiology and have the "real" ultrasound done.
Seems they could not see it either but after some searching there he/she/it/whatev was..all 5 weeks of him/her/it/whatev....but, the sac is so small and my fibroids are so huge, they are not able to see very much at this time.

I had an hCG blood test taken and it shows my level at 33638.0 and according to the chart below:

APPROXIMATE GESTATIONAL AGE
Weeks
5 - 6
Ranges
10,000 - 100,000

That means squeeeee! (?)

They want that level to double in the next 3 to 4 days because I guess that lets them know Lil Peanut is still alive...or something.

I'm still spotting - a fact that caused me to cry like an asshole in front of the nurse - which caused her to freak out and almost cry because she could not understand WHY I was crying - which caused my husband to cringe till he died.

Oh, and I have not told my Mother about ANY of this yet..because I'll cry.

Does the damn sap assness ever stop??

Updates And Shit...

Well..Halloween came...BUT NO CHILDREN DID..

sigh...I decorated the porch, bought $17 worth of NAME BRAND CHOCOLATE and everything...

The Bible Thumpin' - "Halloween is the Debbul" Committee To Ruin Shit seems to have cancelled the annual costume contest at work so my painfully cute 80's costume hung in the closet like a jackass the entire time..

Fuck 'em...

Last week, I had a urinary tract infection (oooo, sexy) so I went to the doctor..seems I'm pregnant and such....

but the Saturday before finding out, I went out clubbin with the co-workers and was DRUNK AS ALL HELL..and because I felt fat and all, decided to wear TWO girdle/corsets...nice prenatal care eh?..I'm a mothering phenomenon.

I have an appointment for 2pm eastern..today.

But I am scared..I'm 37..I have Type 2 Diabetes and I have IMMENSE uterine fibroids..and I have a weird detachment to the lil thing that we have named "Peanut"..because I'm a scared ass dumb ass...and because I can't keep my fucking mouth shut, proceeded to tell my co-workers..the same co-workers whose mouths are so big and far reaching, they could probably get a hand delivered message to Bin Laden before sun-up.

And some people seemed happy for me..some just told me I better not make THEIR lives miserable for the next 9 months and to sit my questioning ass down..um, wow.

But then about 45 minutes ago...I woke up with the urge to pee...and there was some blood..like it was the 1st day of my period..and I cried...a lot..really quietly because I did not want to wake my husband up..because he is so sweet and excited and worried that the waistband of my panties could hurt the baby...shit, I love him so much.

I've tried to make him aware of what could "happen" because of my Diabetes..but he says sweet things like: "No offense to the lil he/she/it inside you but, I just want YOU to be alive and healthy"..could ya just hump his leg??!!??

oh, back to the story and stuff..

I called my insurance company's "advice nurse" at what the hell o'thirty and tried not to wail uncontrollably in his ear..he was so nice and "Southern"..with a reassuring lilt in his voice.."Now, sugar, if you were in the kind of pain I'M asking you about, honey, you wouldn't have to think about it"..I love southern lilty male voices.
But then all of the horrible miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy stories that I've been hearing about and reading about on this fucking internet thing started swirling around in my head and I cried to poor Richard Advice Nurse Guy..begging him to get me an earlier appointment...as if a 4 am appointment was an actual possibility...cuz geez, don't they know who "I" am??
He said that I literally have the only open appointment at that facility for the next 3 thousand years and that I should just take a few deep breaths and "go lay down somewhere"...

I'll try....but I'm not making any promises.