STOP LOOKING AT MY SCREEN...NOSY!!!

Thursday, June 03, 2010

How I Took A Solo Trip...And Did Not Come Back In A Coffin

I HAD to get the fuck out of my house before I ended up on that show "Snapped" - so I decided to go to the beach!

I wanted to go long before now but because of "certain people" in my house, my money was jacked up..for like 10 years....

I picked Ft. Lauderdale because frankly, the flight was cheap.
My co-worker "Sista Don't Play Dat" was able to get me a round trip buddy pass for $98 (WOO!).
I'd had my bags packed 2 weeks early...cuz I obviously needed to get away.

Speaking of flights, since I was on stand-by, I got a LOVELY seating choice (read: SHITTY). Did they really expect my half asleep ass to take on this kind of responsibility??

Notice how it says the door weighs 44 pounds?...yeah, I can barely lift my iPhone off the table on a good day.There was a girl sitting next to me that obviously needed a sedative. She actually grabbed me 2 or three times when there was turbulence..and those who know me KNOW that I don't like to be touched...oh, and this: she was dry heaving at one point......I DON'T "DO" VOMIT!!
Her nervous ass along with the screaming, whining toddlers across the aisle made for the Flight From Hell 2010...sigh, good times.

Please enjoy this lovely photo of my hooves...

Beaches are puuurdy....

Why yes, I did indeed bring alcoholic beverages to the beach..cuz I CAN!!

I spent a pretty good day at the beach overall. I did however notice that people were staring at me a little. At first I thought it was because I was such a fat ass but then I realized that you don't see very many black women sun tanning..yeah, that.

I spent an ok night in the room (The Hyatt Summerfield Suites ROCKS!! It was new, it was clean, it was crackhead free) and woke up to lug my lazy ass to the "complimentary" breakfast buffet...

I put quotes on complimentary because at $100 a fucking night, it SHOULD be free.

I went out to the Hard Rock Casino (aka "Smoker's Paradise"). It was fun..I guess..I won $2.

There's "bar scene" on the casino property. I noticed that you had to be carded by security to enter that area so I got my ID out because I look young (SHUT UP, I DO) ...and they didn't check it...fuckers.

I then contemplated doing some REALLY dumb shit to recapture my lost youth:

But a girl got on and the bull's head fell off...um, no thanks. An old seasoned broad such as myself knew this was a bad omen.

I decided to walk around the casino a little more and happened upon this Wall-O-Meat in front of a steakhouse..weird.

Over the next couple of days I visited a few more beaches some were nice..some were gross and overcrowded - like this one in Miami.

Ok, offended people from Miami, you KNOW I'm right.

I then drove around South Beach for a fucking hour trying to find a parking space, yeah a near impossible feat because of people like this broad:

She had a jewelry store in the back of her SUV..times are hard huh?

I got out and walked around...You wanna feel like an old bag? Try walking 2 blocks down Ocean Drive...Oh and everybody there thinks that there are on The Jersey Shore *gag*.

I put about 250 miles on my sexy 2010 Chrysler 300 RENTAL. (stock photo below..cuz I was obviously too drunk to take a pic of the real one)

I spent a large amount of those miles driving around in circles, screaming at my iPhone because GoogleMaps is a filthy, lying whore....

I got a pretty good deal on it though (yay Last Minute Internet Specials!!) but they wouldn't give me the same rate for an extra day..assholes..and their daily rate was higher than a giraffe's ass so I had to call another place...a "no frills" place..oh hell.

For $15 a day, I got the keys to THIS fine tuned racing machine.....

You are BURRRRNINNNG with envy right now aren't you? Pardon? That's crabs you say? Oh.

Moving on....

The Hyatt Summerfield has a "happy hour" on weekdays with more "free" food and they actually serve REAL wine and beer...oh sweet Jesus thank you.

I treated it like it was my dinner and had seconds..because I'm just ghetto like that.

Speaking of ghetto, please check out my spy photo from the first row of FIRST CLASS...(notice my obnoxious, curly weave at the bottom right)

Yes, on the way home I was able to get a first class seat ON A STANDBY TICKET BITCHES!!! (that was my actual Facebook status update..sigh, no home training)

It took everything in me not to run down the aisles in coach telling the other passengers to kiss my black ass...but I refrained..barely.

Are you aware that they serve your beverages in actual GLASSES in first class?? and - EEEE! *clutch the pearls* - they DON'T throw your snacks at you!! They serve them to you in a beautiful basketttttt!!
Oh and to get you even more moist...when it's time to pick up your snack trash, instead of snatching it and throwing in an overflowing, nasty trash bag, they have a sexy lil tray that you can put it on...lawwwd, hold my mule while I shout!

Can you tell I haven't been anywhere in a while??

Maybe it's just me, but I felt like the other passengers in first class were looking at me like "who's this skank?..she smells like welfare and bad choices"....but I just put on my HUGE fake Chanel sunglasses and looked down my nose at them..fuckers.

I wanted to take a picture of the beach from the airplane...but even though I was in first class, the stewardess looked like she could cut a bitch so this is one I took of the everglades once old girl said it was ok to turn on devices.

sigh..I wanna go back.....

Thursday, May 20, 2010

The Bitch Is Back...

and with nothing important to say except...

Why do people make so much fucking noise when they blow their noses??

I PROMISE you that I've been blowing my own nose for years and I have never even once made that obnoxious "honking" noise...wtf??

that is all....

Friday, April 23, 2010

MUTED or..The Internet Is The Debbul

Funny how emotional pain actually hurts you physically.

My privacy was invaded by someone I loved and trusted.

The Internet was my outlet...I could be WHOever I wanted to be and say WHATever I wanted to say...and people would laugh at what I "said" or agree with me on controversial issues, thus, making my real life lonliness and pain sting a little less.

And now it has come back only to bite me square in my ample ass.

The consequences will be far reaching and I don't know if I'll recover from this...yeah, I'm STILL overly dramatic..must be in my genes.

I'm going to take some time away and go shut my fucking Internet mouth, my strong, beautiful, sexy, "Hey Asshole, Go Fuck Yourself" self has been knocked down quite a few pegs.

Oh the irony of my blog's title....

Friday, April 16, 2010

I'm A Cheating Ass Ho

Blogger..sit down hun...we need to talk.

I'm cheating on you...WITH MY NEW FUCKIN iPHONE!!!

He treats me better than you do and frankly..his dick is bigger than yours...so umm..me and him will need to be alone for another week...I'll tire of him soon and be back in your warm arms before you know it...

stop crying, it'll give you wrinkles.

okthnxbai

Friday, March 26, 2010

Toilets and Tampons..You're Shitting Me..RIGHT?

WARNING...POSSIBLE GAG ALERT!!

Anyway, today I'm talking to a co-worker about how nice my new gym is except for the fact that there are signs everywhere in the locker room that state:

PLEASE DO NOT FLUSH ANYTHING EXCEPT PHYSICAL WASTE AND TOILET PAPER - PLEASE DO NOT FLUSH TAMPONS!!

So I say to her: "What JACKASS would flush a tampon down a toilet..how asinine can you get?"......well um, it seems that she is that very jackass....wow, my bad..lol

She told me that her entire life since puberty, she's flushed tampons down the toilet and she frankly thought people who didn't were gross.

This launched a large discussion/debate between all 30 women (and sadly, some very embarrassed men) in the vicinity.

My WHOLE life (god, we're dramatic) it has been an unwritten rule to NEVER flush tampons...then when I was living with my aunt in my 20's, I saw firsthand why...my cousin had been doing this and one day, it LITERALLY blew up in her face..yep, toilet backed up and overflowed..flooded the bathroom and most of the hallway..not sexy.

The plumber found like 20 of them in the drain pipe..*GAG*

So I take it upon myself to poll the crowd..looks like a mostly "NO, don't flush" crowd...but the ones that DO??...good gawd, they're bat-shit crazy.

One lady and I debated (yes, it was a slow work day) about throwing away pads but flushing tampons...I personally think that if you can wrap a sopping ass pad up and trash it, you can do the same with a tampon...she didn't agree..I wanted to yell: "It's THE SAME FUCKING THING!!!"..but of course I didn't, cuz I'm a lady...ok, stop laughing.

Now, here's the question of the week (don't worry, there are no other questions or weeks..whatev.)

DO YOU FLUSH OR TRASH??

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

You Vapid, Irrelevant, Simple, Probably Drunk From Last Night COW

Remember my heelarious baby commercial post..(the actual commercial is here)?

Well, it seems that Lindsey Lohan is a lil upset about it "depicting her" and she's suing for $100 Million..oh BOO HOO Heffa!!!

She thinks that it was modeled after her and improperly invoked her “likeness, name, characterization, and personality...if I could invent new curse words to fling at you, I would.

Now I'll admit that when I first saw it - I pictured in my mind a baby girl at a playdate..laying across the couch drunk offa milk with empty baby bottles strewn about..HAAAAAAA..my mind is a little imbalanced though.

Look Lindsay..I understand that you came from a fucked up family..most of us did..but don't go getting mad at us for makin light of choices that YOU made..

In the words of my Grandma....

"Get your ass somewhere and sit the fuck down!!"

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Sometimes They Let Me Out Of The Asylum For Day Trips

Yesterday my friend who I call "Rest My Nerves" went to a live taping of the Mo'Nique Show.

I call her that because every time I turn around she is saying the phrase "I just wanna get somewhere and rest my damn nerves"..she has a very low tolerance for bullshit and it makes me laugh.

Anyhoooo - We were somehow able to score two free tix to the taping of the show. At first I was like: meh..ok..it'll be fun I guess...

But by the time we pulled into the parking lot..I was kinda hyped and by the time she came out on stage..I was losing my fucking mind..gah, I embarrass myself sometimes.

Ok so first thing that happens after you contact the show, they call you back and give you some info then they send you an email with a final confirmation, directions and a parking pass..Before the email, we expected that this super exclusive parking pass to be something special but when the email came...yeah..not so much...

Yep..we had to print it out our damn selves...on our company's printer of course..so Ritzy.

That's RMN in the parking deck where the security guard barely glanced at our beautiful artwork.

We had to wait in a "holding pen" in the freezing ass parking deck for a little while in order to sigh a release form and get a wristband..a special wristband thankyouverymuch

ok so it looks like we went clubbin..whatev.

As we were standing in the holding pen..I noticed some of the women walking up..*sigh*...my people embarrass me sometimes. I mean these broads were dressed like it was Amateur Night at Porky's Strip Palace.

Now, I KNOW my fat ass was pushin' it with my 3 inch heel ankle boots but these heffas??..wow.

I guesstimate that the lady in front of me was right around 400 pounds and had on 6 inch knockoff Louboutins which probably would have been fine if we didn't have to walk 637 miles to the actual studio.

SUGGESTION to the Mo'Nique Show: SHUTTLE BUS

Yeah, not fun for the bigguns in high heels

Once you get to the studio you are searched for weapons, cell phones, cameras and such. I was kinda pissed that I had to leave my camera in the car..Not because I wanted to capture any precious lifetime memories - I really just wanted to show you the bad outfit choices people make here in the South..I'm a giver like dat

Ok..TV studios are about as toasty the frozen tundra. They should hang a sign up that reads: HARD NIPPLE ALERT AHEAD

We weren't early enough to get seats on the floor in front of the stage but they seated us in the "bleachers" on the second row..yay us

The audience warm up guys Gerard Guillory and Tone X were GREAT. They actually have to tell you WHAT to do and WHEN to do it on top of acting like complete jackasses..tough job..where do I sign up??

Bad thing is though..they get you so fucking worked up that by the time the show starts, you are sweaty and ready for a nap

Since I couldn't take a picture of Mo'Nique, I made my IMVU avatar dress up just like her..remember, I'm a giver..or a dumb ass..whatever

I must say that she looked GOE JUSSS!! Her shoes made me moist..sorry, but they did.

She's lost a lot of weight but she's still "Mo'Nique"..and yes, she really is loud as all hell in person but it was fun.

I caught myself crying like an ass-hat when I saw her..smh..I hope they didn't catch that on camera...those cameramen are a little "aggressive" if you ask me..but you didn't.

She did an interview once where she said that no matter what weight she was - she always felt pretty and that her family raised her to feel good about herself..I love that.

The guests were Angie and Jesse (Debi Morgan and Darnell Williams) from All My Children..*sigh*..love them

Tevin Campbell was also there..*sigh*..still love him too. Weird thing - he was nervous when he walked on stage. I guess I figured that someone who's been in the business as long as he has would be cool with that..guess not.

I wanted to stay and hump on her leg but it seemed kinda strange to just hang out like a stalker...but I seriously plan on making that my weekly outing on my days off

Kinda like a stalker huh?

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Internet Is Bad For You..

Because I know that you were just MOIST with anticipation...Here's an IMVU update.

I recently attended a Trailer Trash Bash..because as a classy ass broad, I am invited to only the most exclusive events ya know?

Here's me and a friend, chillin' on the "veranda"

What?..My lil Trick Baybee's gotta eat!!

Ahh..the miracle of birth...this is Lerleane's 12th child..(this year)

Betty - quenchin her Meth-thirst

and as per usual..a fight broke out

Notice how lil Trick Baybee just hangs on me hands free..he's talented like dat.

And now for the talent portion of our program...

Some quiet time with lil Quantalavius O'Shaunessy... His daddy "might" have been an Irish truck driver..I think...and yes, those are PBR can curlers in my weave..recycling is important ya know.

mm hmm..we are the hottest bitches in the trailer court!! I'm sure you're wondering why Betty Rae is all bruised up..she , umm, fell in the tub..yeah, that.