STOP LOOKING AT MY SCREEN...NOSY!!!

Confession Monday - Being A Whore At Work

2011-12-19T11:02:00.000-05:00

*le sigh*

There's a temp that sits across from me at work whose voice makes me want to hump his leg...

There, I "said" it.

Seriously, you should hear it..it's da yumz.

The way that our cubicles are positioned, I can't actually see him because my monitor is in the way, but I can hear him on the phone all day..talkin' all sexaaay and shit...and he's not even trying to be sexy..it just "be's like that".

Looks-wise, he's ok I guess..he has those sleepy bedroom eyes that make you wanna lay across his desk and luxuriate during lunch..but that would be blatantly whoreish...I'm more of an undercover whore thankyouverymuch.

Oh..and his laugh??!!??...an easygoing, heh heh heh..

I've got one word for you...MOIST

And no, I have not told my husband about this new work crush..the last time I told him about this lil young kid at my old part time job who was asking me out, he said:

Hmm..maybe you should go out with him..then you could manipulate him out of his paycheck every week..cuz we have bills...

Yeah..true story..he swears he was kidding.

Black Thursday and Friday..All Late And Shit

2011-11-30T05:17:00.001-05:00

And that was just my WalMart cart...

I promise, this was not all for MY baby..but I was tempted.

I have several excuses for why I am just getting around to posting this:

1. I'm lazy as shit
2. My husband's parents don't have internet (*gasp*, clutch the pearls)
3. The town they live in allows me about an 1/8th of a bar cell reception
4. Fuck AT&T and my slow ass iPhone
5. When you have kids, shit just slips your mind
6. I am still slightly traumatized by the whole weekend

There was one point, while I was laying across a pallet of pink baby laptops waiting for 10:00pm Thursday) to strike, that I thought to myself: "Bitch..you are pure fucking cray cray, go back to the house and get some sleep"..but then I imagined just how fucking cute my lil baybeeeeee would look using a pink baby laptop and I prepared for battle.

15 minutes earlier, some shit jumped off over some cheap ass, fake leather ottomans..seriously.

Luckily, I'd made a "friend" while laying across the pallet of cute V-tech baby shit and we devised a plan to use another "friend's" shopping cart to store all of our loot.
She was one buddy down because apparently, it is bad form to threaten a WalMart employee with the phrase "I hope somebody pushes your fat bitch ass down"...in that small town, it makes the police come to your pallet and escort you out of the store..in handcuffs.

Small town WalMart etiquette..so confusing.

Anywayzzz, 10pm came and people went crazy..but I got my pink baby laptop and I'm still alive. I left the pink baby rocking horse thingie in the men's underwear aisle because after standing in line with it for a while, it was giving me the hairy eyeball and was freaking me out..maybe next year.
Oh, and THIS..could ya just diiiiie??!!?? Maybe she will become Queen of Da Piano like Lady Gaga and take care of me in my old age..or she could just make a whole lot of noise and shame the family name..whatever, it's cute.

Edited to add: I ALSO got up on Friday at 3am like a dumb ass and went shopping in a different small town..but I'm too tired to write about it right now.

And the moral of this story is...

WE ATE A DAMN FINE FRIED TURKEY

(I was never good at that whole "moral of the story" shit..and I'm sleepy..and the baby making poop noises and it sounds like a blow-out.)

My Husband Does Dumb Shit...But He's Cute And His Sperm Works

2011-11-15T09:15:00.008-05:00

A couple of nights ago, he'd been out on the front porch relaxing and having a beer (possibly two..who freaking knows).

Later on, I watched him go into the bedroom with a bag of Flipz White Chocolate Pretzels (only a DOLLAR at Kroger! SCORE!!) and a handful of Reese's Cups.
He doesn't eat sweets very much but when he does, he goes BIG.

Cut to an hour later....

The lights are off and the TV is on in the bedroom.
I sat on the bed, all ready to watch Sons Of Anarchy on my favorite seemingly illegal website, when all of a sudden, I hear some award winning snoring coming from his side of the bed..so I look...and I notice a white blob on his cheek...'the hell?

A closer look reveals that this jackass has fallen into some sort of sugar coma with a trail of pretzels up his arm, on his face and chest (and all over my favorite sheets) in different stages of meltage...oh and did I mention that there were candy wrappers all over MY pillows??!!
I swear to God, I was SO pissed, I was simultaneously screaming at him and looking for something to stab him with.

And OF COURSE I was "overreacting"....

Me: GET UP DAMMIT!!
Him: Why are you yelling and shit..it's not like there's chocolate everywhere...
Me: Are you serious right now??

I could tell that he was still asleep..he has a habit of having FULL conversations in his sleep..again, 'The Hell??

Me: WAKE THE FUCK UP AND CLEAN THIS SHIT UP!!!
Him: Daaaaaamn lady!! Why are you trippin'..it's just a pretzel or two..go to bed..leave me alone...zzzzzz

I finally got him to wake up and man, was he pissed..he stomped off to the bathroom, pretzels still stuck to him, mumbling shit..then it got silent...he must have seen himself in the mirror...I heard the water running...he got back into bed and whispered some shit about "Good night", and I didn't hear a peep out of his ass for the rest of the night.

Score ONE for me and my righteous indignation..because yes, I keep a mental score of "marriage wins"..because I am mean.

I swear, if he wasn't the father of my child....

Speaking of that child..at 5 months old, she already knows how to manipulate my emotions.
She has learned how to pout and can also smile reaaaal cute when she wants something....how is that freaking possible??

I spent $40 and a fucking hour putting together THIS DAMN THING

The first time she sat in it, she just sat in it..Absolutely petrified.
I spun her around and made all the toys move and she JUST. SAT. THERE.
I figured that maybe it was a little too advanced for a 4 month old...literally too many "bells and whistles".
The next few times went a little better..but not much.
Lately she sits in it and screams bloody murder after a minute or two....so yeah, that was a great, useful purchase.

According to my iPhone and digital camera, I have taken approximately 600 pictures of her and spent at least $300 on clothes for her.

And I am only slightly ashamed of myself.

Tits?..Meh, Not So Much

2011-09-17T16:09:00.003-04:00

It seems that my boobs are The Debbul...

The baby is on a breastfeeding strike. She breastfed for like a month and now she HATES it.

It's probably because my milk supply is bullshit at best..sorry lil baby. I try to get her to feed every other day but she just looks at my tit like it owes her money and turns away...

She actually punched me in the nip once...

But the last few times she stuck her tongue out, tasted the milk a little (as if she was testing the vintage) then screamed bloody murder until I got her a bottle of formula to nosh on.

Maybe my milk is sour....God knows I'm not going to taste it for myself...that is just crazy balls.

It hurt my "perty lil feelers" for a while thinking she didn't like ME anymore but I was going through post-partum depression and I was SUPER crazy balls anyways so that passed.

And as if that wasn't TMI enough...my period started up again today...because as you may or may not know - breastfeeding makes the hemorrhaging vajazzlin go away.

damn it all to hell...

P.S....I had NO idea hemorrhaging was spelled that way..1.5 years of The Art Institute really paid off huh?

I Think My Pee Hole Is Broken

2011-07-29T15:30:00.005-04:00

Yeah..I said it.

When I was in the hospital having the baby, I had to get a catheter because..I dunno why, anywhoo, ever since then, my pee stream is different...just an FYI from a dumb ass.

On another note, the baby is two months old and is a rock star..that doesn't feel that it is necessary to sleep at night...I am one sleepy bitch, especially since I went back to work this week (booooooo work).
My first day back, I basically fucked around and made it look like I was working but I was mostly trying not to break down in big weepy tears because I missed the baby..I don't cry as much as I used to but...still.

Seemingly, "There is no crying in baseball" in my husband's world when it comes to me. He gave me a "pass" when I was pregs and a little while after but now he's giving me the "oh here we go again" look when he sees me getting misty...it kind of makes me laugh though...him being all uncomfortable with this girly stuff. Especially since I GAVE BIRTH TO A GIRL-CHILD!!!!

I seriously needed a sedative today when she got her immunization shots..oh emmm fuckin gee that was an ordeal.I NEVER want to hear my child scream like that again.
I would have cried but my husband the Tear Nazi was there and proclaimed that only one female could cry in his presence today...whatever, jackass...ha

I have to go now....the baby has sensed that I am doing something OTHER than eyeballing and/or feeding her.

A Month And Two Days Later...

2011-06-30T12:43:00.002-04:00

Sigh...this shit is hard.

I'm pretty sure I have the "baby blues" because I'm crying more than an old lady in church and EVERYthing freaks me the fuck out.

The baby had her one month check up and the doc thinks she's slightly under-weight so I've been instructed to feed the hell out of her....but I'm sleeeeeepy dammit!

She has her days and nights mixed up and likes to keep us up all night...sigh
I promise you, she can sense the EXACT moment that I am about to fall asleep and she chooses that time to scream bloody murder...and as soon as I jump up to see about her, she smiles or goes right back to sleep...manipulating me already...yay

Oh Yeah, THAT Happened....

2011-06-17T09:44:00.004-04:00

Wow..my blog..forgot all about this thing...ha

So, how was your Memorial weekend? Good? Hmm? How was mine you say?

Oh, I just HAD A FREAKING BABY A WHOLE DAMN MONTH EARLY!!!

Yeah, you read that right...the baby came early because I'm old and sick and shit.

What do they call these things...birth stories?...well, here's mine..rambling text and all: (sorry)

n damn business going to my regular doctor's visit with the perinatologist (old lady baby specialist) and he comes in the room after testing my high ass blood pressure for the 3rd time and says: "Um, I checked you into the hospital, that baby needs to come out today"...um, como se what the fuck?
He then proceeded to tell me that if I didn't drive there NOW that he would call an ambulance...jeez man, ok.
I remember calling everybody in a blind crying panic and somehow made my way to the REALLY NICE baby factory hospital they have here in town because the doc said so. I had already pre-registered at a different hospital but the doc said he'd rather I go to "baby central"...ok, whatev.
So I get checked in, moved to a room and now they want pee samples and stuff..let's just say, my pee somehow ended up on the floor..what? I was nervous!
The rest of that day consisted of my husband and family sitting around staring at me, getting poked with needles and oh, yeah, people checking my cervix...all of which I do NOT reccomend when you are scared as shit.
Oh, then some big, gorilla handed broad came in and inserted something called cervidil(http://www.drugs.com/pro/cervidil.html) but at some point my fabulous cooch pushed it out..so much for that.

Friday May 27th:
All night the night before, nurses checked my blood sugar and blood pressure every fucking hour..yay
This day was sort of a blur...I remember being moved to a different room and more friends and family came to see me...not sure though because they had me on some good dope for pain..I guess I was having contractions..I dunno.
Numerous doctors came in and eyeballed me - commenting about my "way too high" BP and kept ordering more Petocin (fucking links won't imbed..sorry).
At some point the doc comes in and says "we're gonna just turn all of this off for the night and try again in the morning"..yay? Whatever, can I eat something now?
Later that night, I was sitting in bed and felt a little "leaking"...see, I still had TWO IV towers attached to me so going pee was a fucking ordeal...as I was having my husband help me get "unplugged", the leaking got worse.."great, I'm pissing myself", I thought out loud.
But the pissing was nonstop...and my dumb ass had no idea that my water was breaking..because well, I'm dumb and 38 and never had a baby before.
The nurse comes in after my frantic button pushing and incoherent yelling about pee...she had this "duh, heffa" look on her face but was nice about explaining what happened..bless her.
They let me sleep..sort of..for the rest of the night then Saturday came..more blur.

Saturday, May 28th:
I was having contractions but they were kind of like mild cramps..no big deal.
Then they decided to become a big deal and hell yeah, I asked for an epidural..I'm pissed that I had to ask more than once though...bastards.
The anesthesiologist came breezing in talking on her cell phone like she was about to make a damn sandwich and gave me all these instructions about bending and breathing and not flinching...um, huh?
As per usual I flinched..because damn it, that epidural shit is PURE CRAZY BALLS..but I made it out uparalyzed and let me say this..DRUGS ARE GOOD..sometimes.
I realize now that I didn't "labor" for very long..I am a chicken, sue me.
After checking the fetal monitor for a few minutes, the doctor (who looked to be about 15 years old) leaned over and said that the baby wasn't "bouncing back" from each contraction like she should be and that they needed to "get her out of there"....WHAT????

{Insert my screaming and panic and then some shuffling of family members to the hallway here}

My husband was somewhere between the cafeteria and the room and there were nurses running down halls looking for him.
When they found him, he was saying something about a $15 salad..huh? I dunno...
A nurse shaved my lady bits and it was time to head to the O.R.
For some stupid reason, I'm kinda scared that the gurney is going to hit the wall in the hallway (?) but I'm more worried about not being able to feel my legs anymore..weird shit.
The O.R. is freezing..and all I can keep saying to my husband is TAKE PICTURES OF THE BABY BUT DON'T LOOK AT THE BLOOD AND GUTS..being high on hospital dope makes you look like a dumb ass, I swear.
He, of course, did not listen and is leaning all over the other side of the drape, telling me what everything looks like..because he is a man, and doesn't listen very well.
Honestly, I kept telling myself not to close my eyes because my mind had convinced me that if I did, I would never open them again and that I would die before I saw the baby...what kind of crazy shit is that?
I heard her cry and my husband and everybody in the room cheered..I was SO scared and relieved and cold and high and happy and crying...
But I still had not seen the baby..it's strange hearing your parts getting put back in but not being able to feel anything...still...and that staplegun thing...WHOA!
Finally, I was all closed up and they moved me to the recovery room..the first time I saw the baby..I know I sound like a mushy jackass..but seriously, she was perfect..and after they cleaned her up, they put her on my chest..and I balled SO hard...she was looking right at me and she knew who I was and it caught me off guard..I wept like an old lady in church.

6lbs 3oz - 20 inches long!!

My husband, bless his heart, took a LOT of pictures..sigh, I heart him.

I stayed in the hospital 3 more days and got poked and prodded some more.
I have to say that hurses are the shit!!
They do a mostly thankless job and the ones at the hospital where I was were the BEST.

Everything is still a blur. That first night home was CRAZY and I cried the whole time...because I am a cheeseball and getting up every 3 hours is not as fun as it sounds.
Our friends came by and helped us...sigh, I heart them too.

Oh..I forgot, I had to be readmitted to the hospital because I guess MY body was not ready to go home yet..We were at the baby's 1st doctor's visit and I nearly fainted from what they said was "dehydration and high BP".
sigh..3 more days in the hospital which meant I was away from the baby at night which made me cry even more..jeez, there is lots of crying in this whole pregnancy thing huh?

My husband is a fuckin' trooper though. He figured out how to keep both him and the baby alive while I was gone and even set his own "routine". Amazing for a first time dad.
He is truly one of my favortie people right now..besides the baby..and she is a ROCK STAR thankyouverymuch...despite being born early, she passed ALL of her tests and the doctors say she is doing great..almost like she was SUPPOSED to be born early..absolutely NO problems...

Nature..go figure.

I Think I Broke My Tits

2011-05-17T21:51:00.007-04:00

(I would have inserted a pic of big, black boobs here but all I could find was bad porn shots)

Jugs..Hooters..Bazooms..Cans

I ALWAYS had big, pretty, fabulous boobs (cleavage anyone?)...then I went and got knocked up at the age of 38 and now BOOM, they're mere shadows of their former selves.

t started when I was at around 4 months pregnant. I bought some new bras in anticipation of having huge "milk boobs" but I also got a couple of "right now"minimizer-type bras..what? They were on sale dammit.

Anywhoooo I wore those minimizer bras for a while and I started to notice that my tits were actually getting smaller..huh?

Granted, I lost weight during my pregnancy but I've been smaller than I am now and I STILL had Double D's. Now I'm more like a C cup (boooo C cups)...wtf is going on?

Now you know I Googled it and only found weirdness about breastfeeding and BIG boobs..sigh, I'm 8 months pregs now and they still seem small.

At first, my husband tried to make me feel better by saying maybe it was an "optical illusion" due to the fact that my stomach was sticking out a little further now..then he did some "feel tests" (damn pervert) and he determined that yes, they were indeed smaller.

I'm hoping it's like a tsunami where the shoreline receeds before all hell breaks loose...here's hoping.

Baby Registry Discussions - Just Like Compton

2011-05-05T18:48:00.007-04:00

As per usual, it seems that my big mouth has started "some shit" on FaceBook..it's a gift...you're welcome.

After a discussion that started at work last week, I posted this today:

Question: If someone sets up a Baby/Gift Registry, do you buy them items they request or do you (as someone said to me) buy them "whatever the hell you feel inclined to" even though they don't "need" it?
btw - We're registered at Target, Wal Mart, Kohl's, Babies R Us, Amazon and Buy Buy Baby..lol
#justwondering

Because really, If people say they need something, they might REALLY need it..especially first time parents LIKE ME..then the comments came in..some of them should go in the "oh noes" category:

um...I would get something from the registry since it is something they want. Unless I came across something additional that is from the heart (like games to go with the Kinect - lol)

Well, it depends on what type of mood I am in. I typically don't like to buy from the registry because it gets "lost" with all the other gifts. I like wondering the malls looking for that gift I know that will be different from the others. BTW...I will probably not buy from the registry so you can roll your eyes at me now. I love you anyway:)

I buy "whatever the hell I feel inclined to" - most likely off of the registry. Ha! :)

I buy off the registry but I know several ppl who make their own ish up...like why u buying someone bottles but not looking at their registry to see which one they want?!

I dom't like registries. I think folks should should just buy what they want. People put such ridiculous items on the registries, and some people have too many.

You will be surprised by what you really need and what you don't need :-).

I guess the better question would be, what do you think are the essential items that first time parents need on their registry? I know that half the stuff I registered for I really didn't need. My essentials were: stroller, diaper genie, bottles, and some pacifiers.

Back in the 'olden days' when i had my boys, i did not register at all. People just gave me what they wanted, or gift cards, and that seemed to work out okay. People NEVER get everything on their registries anyway, then it is a pain inthe butt to go and get everything later...

I say let them buy their own stuff. They're the ones who decided to have a baby.

although people will give you what they want to, I feel very strongly about "registries" and "things you need and want list". I always try to buy the person what I would like them to buy for me if I were in their shoes... But that being said, most people will say what Charles just said, "let them buy their own stuff"...lol!

You buy them what they want. How would you feel on christmas when you asked for a Barbie and you got a G.I Joe? Just saying. If you sent someone to grab you lunch and said get me a Big Mac and they came back with a Whopper you would be pissed.

You should be grateful that you had something to eat, whopper or big mac

that makes no sense. This isn't Ethiopia. Point was buy people that they want for their child. If you don't want to then don't buy anything. They may have read reviews and decided they didn't want a certain brand because they are not sturdy.

I don't care where you are, you still need an attitide of gratitude. I am grateful for whatever gifts are given to me, whether they are things or otherwise. When we disagree with someone's opinion, there is no need to say it makes sense or to engage in Ethiopian stereoypes.

The one about "they are the ones that decided to have a baby" kinda pissed me off, but I can't for the life of me remember who the fuck that person is or why they are my FB friend so, oh well.

THEN, I get a "wall post" from an older lady I work with that said:

Just be grateful for whatever you're given...get over it ! ! So don't be mad if folks on your FB page don't get you nothing ! ! And don't be talking 'bout folks on FB and your secret blog...LOL!!

See how she put "LOL" at the end?..believe me, she wasn't laughing out loud, she was dead-ass serious and has called me ungrateful to my face before. She doesn't like the fact that I don't share my name and personal info on this blog either. sigh...I can't get into that right now, I'm sleepy.

And because I am a pregnant, emotional, sappy ass cow, I got my "perty lil feelers" hurt and posted something that the pre-pregnant me would have NEVER fucking posted:

Please don't get me wrong about the Baby Registry post, seems that I came off as an ungrateful snot.
I just think that if someone says that they need something, I wouldn't want to waste money (or their time) getting them stuff they can't use.
We would just as soon take your well wishes and prayers and "make do" like our parents did.
I was just interested in what people thought.
#nexttimeI'llshutup

I should have just said - "BUY ME THE SHIT I REQUESTED ON THE FUCKING REGISTRY ALREADY, DAMN!"....but I didn't.

People were nice with their next comments (I suppose):

I don't think you came across as ungrateful. I know from all of your FB posts that you do what I do, just engage folks in the converstion.

and a different older lady said:

P.S. As an old woman, I have found that the best gifts are those I didn't ask for.

I should be shot at sundown for backing off of my point like that...I'm too emotional for FaceBook these days.

How 'bout we end this post with a lil Gangsta Rap to make us all warm and fuzzy....

EDITED TO ADD:

One late comment posted by my Cousin-in-law (whose leg I shall hump the next time I see her):
I HATE WHEN PEOPLE DON'T STICK TO THE REGISTRY! If you have to get something because YOU want them to have it then get that in addition to a registry item. Selfish! A gift is shouldn't be more about the person that it's from than the person it's for! Always include receipt.

Pregnancy From Hell - An Update

2011-04-16T11:18:00.006-04:00

So yeah...I had been throwing up for 6 months...I hated all food...even water made me gag...then when I hit 7 months all of a sudden, it stopped..damn it all.

Food textures are still a little weird to me but I was always a weirdo about chicken (chunks of chicken = gag).

Fresh Hell: Ankle and foot swelling..great, joy, happiness.

Last Sunday I thought I'd get all cute and go to the Big Super Big Fucking Deal Mall of The South and do a little shopping and walking..because the doctor said to walk and stuff. I was standing there in Old Navy trying on dress #50,000 that made me look like either:

1. an overstuffed sausage or
2. a fat ass in a tent/tarp/hot air balloon when all of a sudden I decided to look down...oh noes...my foot looked like Professor Klump when he was transforming..GAG! SCREAM! CLAMP HAND OVER MOUTH CUZ I REALIZED I WAS IN PUBLIC!

I have NEVER seen ANYthing on my body swell like that..eww...then I was all embarassed because I was probably walking around like that for the past fucking hour. *sigh*....pregnancy sucks donkey balls

Ooo, but I got a "work restriction" from my doctor that says I can only work 8 hours a day intead of the usual 10..a small victory, I suppose, because I was begging for "complete bedrest" but the good ole doc wouldn't fall for my bullshit.

Fresh Funness: the baby KICKS..that shit is actually kind of cool..she also must be a budding nudist because my stomach only feels good if my shirt is pulled up over my belly..as if she wants to watch TV or make ugly faces at my co-workers too...smh...it is SO not cute when I feel the need to do this particular move at my desk...obviously something that is frowned upon in this establishment..fuck 'em.

Feel Free To Go STRAIGHT To Hell - Today's Pregnant Lady Rant

2011-03-07T10:26:00.004-05:00

OK PEOPLE..NEWS FLASH!!

SOMETIMES, BEING PREGNANT FUCKING SUCKS!!

*GASP*..Clutch the pearls Annie Mae!!

Apparently, where I work, this is an "unpopular" attitude to have.

If I don't come in to work doing cartwheels with stardust and rainbows shooting out of my ass every morning, I am: "being a big ole baby".

Seriously, people are just fucking crushed that I'm not always thrilled to be in my current "condition"...umm, huh?

Most of you heffas have never even birthed so much as a good idea but now all of a sudden, you are the pregnancy experts?!?

oooo..and the ones that REALLY scorch my grits are the ones that HAVE been pregnant before and how they seem to forget how it all went down....{insert mean face here}

And I'm pissed at myself for not telling them how I really feel when they ask me all loud and chipper-like: "HOW ARRRRRE YOOOOOOUUUUUUU?!?! SQUEEEEEEEE!!!"because when I do..they look all crushed or just look at me like I'm an ungrateful whore...sigh

And then the stank looks you get when you slightly pull away when they get all "handsy" on your stomach...sorry if I don't feel like being molested in the break room today.

Try waking up every morning - not having slept the night before because you had to piss every 45 minutes - to constant gagging and an over all feeling of "ick"..

Oh and THIS:

constipation,
weird hair growth
itchy skin
MORE gagging and vomit at the slightest sniff of a nasty ass smell
having to buy BIG OLE "PANTY DRAWS"..they don't come in cute styles OR colors
uncontrollable crying...at the drop of a hat

Try that list of sexiness for 9 months and see how fucking bright and shiny YOU feel in the mornings.

Current Rant Over...thankyouverymuch.

I Know, I Suck...

2011-02-05T11:40:00.004-05:00

Once again, I have been cheating on you with another website...his name is Facebook..and he's sexy...plus, he has more money and he his peen is bigger so umm...

My new pregnancy brain will not allow me to write the long, ridiculous paragraphs that you have become accustomed to so I've taken to saying dumb shit in my Facebook status box instead:

Tuesday at 9:01pm - Sigh, Glee was great tonight

February 6 at 9:29pm - sigh...Troy Polamalu is sexy as all hell...but I have this weird urge to put pretty braids and barettes in his hair.
#donttellmyhusband #weirdness

February 6 at 8:13pm - I want a light-up bra top like Fergie's..my luck, I'd get electrocuted tryin' to be cute.

February 5 at 8:14pm - How in the blue hell is a place called Sushi 101 going to be OUT of sushi??? And you wonder why pregnant women are hateful...
#blamethefetus

February 4 at 1:06pm - I'm having a very "WTF" kind of day..I thought I'd have a healthy breakfast smoothie but found a way to break an important piece off of my $130 blender..sigh
Then I wanted a grilled cheese (screw healthy) and found a way to burn the hell out of 1 side...and as I was scraping the burnt off of it, it fell in the damn trash can..I guess I can be happy that I'm still alive..

I would write something else but the baby says it's time for us to vomit and take a 4 hour nap...

Because I am A Raging Dumbass, That's Why

2010-12-31T12:30:00.001-05:00

Christ God, I need to post here more regularly..or something.

Ok so a couple of weeks ago, I decided to ACCIDENTALLY nearly kill myself and the baby..because I was sleepy and shit.

For the past three years I've been on insulin two types of insulin (Before that I was on oral medication for my Type 2 Diabetes but that crap gives babies birth defects).

Up until the other night, I'd never had a problem with the dosages...but I'm stupid or something.

Earlier that day my blood sugar had been low twice and all I wanted to do was sleep. I fixed the low blood sugar issues and took a nap..like 4 times.

Later on in the evening, I ate some dinner and went back to bed. I woke up at about 11:30pm knowing that I had to take my "night time" dosage of Lantus (a "long acting" insulin) and a little snack because I had already taken my normal 3 mealtime dosages of Novalog (a "fast acting" insulin)...well, um..err,um

Instead of taking 75 units of the LONG ACTING, I stood right there in my kitchen and shot up 75 units of the FAST ACTING insulin (which I'm only supposed to take 30 units of) ...

yeah.."oh shit" is right.

AS SOON as I noticed what I did, I speed dialed the Kaiser Permanente Advice Nurse and explained to her what I did...all the while, trying to hold my already fragile shit together.

She made me eat a whole bunch of crap like bread, apples and peanut butter and constantly test my blood sugar while she called my OB/GYN and then my Internist on the other line. When she got back on the phone she asked if my husband was there...

Me: Yes, why?

Nurse: WAKE HIM IMMEDIATELY AND TELL HIM TO CALL 911!!!

Huh? wha?

Oh hell....

So I wake him up out a deeeeep sleep, screaming some shit about calling 911 and get your shoes on..poor guy.

I tried to tell the nurse that I could literally see the hospital from my front door and that an ambulance wasn't necessary but she wasn't falling for such bullshit and made them come anyway...sigh...even the responding Paramedic asked me if I just wanted to have my husband drive me over there..when the nurse heard that she flipped her shit again...double sigh.

So there I am, dressed in the worst outfit I have ever thrown together, hair flying in 42 different directions, out in 30 degree weather, riding in the back of an ambulance for ONE WHOLE MILE..damn it all to hell, that one mile will cost me $100 - Thanks Kaiser Healthcare.

They put me in a nice little private room in the ER..(it had a TV and everything) so that they could monitor and poke on me.

Sadly, the kitchen was closed by the time I got there so they tried to feed me a cold ham sandwich...ummm, 'scuse me Nurse Lady, ever heard of LISTERIA!!?!!

She was all "oh, my bad"..and then proceeded to bring me an assload of graham crackers, apple juice, saltines and the nastiest ass tubs of Smuckers peanut butter I have ever eaten (gag)...they should stick to making jelly.

I probably would have caused a scene and got all diva-like..but I was worried that my mug shot would have looked like the female version of this:

And you know damn well, I couldn't go out like that....

Besides, a couple of the ER nurses looked like Chicago Bears line-backers and no one wants a mugshot like this one either:

What exactly the fuck was going THERE??

Anyway, I spent the next 7 hours watching TV and eating birthday cake from the nurse's station..because that's the level of care that they provide at my local hospital..nothing but THE BEST for me and my baby.

AHEM..anyway

My poor husband tried to tough it out on the plastic chairs in the room for a few hours but I finally made him go home to try to get some sleep.

He tried to put on the obligatory "oh Honey, I can't leave you" face but I knew he burned rubber out of the parking lot on the way home that morning.

Finally my blood sugar stabilized and they cut me loose. The ER doctor told me not to take any insulin for the rest of the day..(because I obviously cannot be trusted with a syringe).

Fine by me, all I did was eat, sleep and watch TV all day..yay me.

Pissy

2010-12-08T17:12:00.004-05:00

I'm starting to think that pregnancy is all about piss...

EVERY time I go to the OB/GYN, I have to piss in a cup..every. damn. time..it's stupid but I guess it's necessary..or something

Last week, the doctor claimed to need a big ole jug of my piss for testing purposes. The thought of this made me dry heave..but he IS a doctor after all.
I went to the lab and was handed a lovely BRIGHT ORANGE piss jug in a way too small BRIGHT BLUE plastic bag...oh, so subtle.
I took it home and sat on the toilet trying to figure out just how the fuck I was supposed to maneuver:
1) All this ass
2) That big ole jug
3) A bathroom the size of a phone booth

Because I've been to WAY too many High School parties, a red plastic cup came to mind..still..big ass, small bathroom..potential disaster...or pissaster..(ok, I'll understand if you slap the taste out of my mouth over that one.)
Anywhooo, for a full 24 hours, I pissed into a cup, gagged, poured piss into a big cup, gagged again, screamed and cried while I rinsed the cup out with shower gel, bleach and scalding hot bathtub water and oh..get this..it HAD TO STAY IN THE REFRIGERATOR!! All nice and chilled like a summer time beverage.

*faint*

I had that thing bagged up like a dead body the whole time..It kept me up that night wondering if it had a leak in it...I swear, if it did, I would have bought a whole new refrigerator for that place..and we rent!
I tried to be invisible as possible while standing in line at the lab the next day..but noooo..the broad at the desk took one look at me and my "special little bag" and commenced to slapping on a bright blue latex glove...bitch..what is it with Kaiser Healthcare and these bright ass colors??

Then, if that wasn't bad enough, I went to the Perinatologist (because I'm old-like and have health issues) and they required yet another piss sample..but THIS place didn't have all kinds of cute little ledges for you to place your piss covered, itty bitty cup on...they didn't even have the little trap door thingie..(ugh, ghetto?)
So there I was, teetering over the toilet in this weird , badly lit bathroom, the nurse patiently waiting outside for me to hurry the fuck up, quads burning because I'm a lazy ass, trying to hold my pants and panties out of the piss stream with one hand, too small cup in the other,holding my shirt and sweater under my chin, head swirling from being at that weird angle for that long..and it happened..I dribbled a little on the back of my pants and panties...*gag* GOD DAMN IT ALL!!!
I teetered the cup on the slick ass sink edge - praying that it wouldn't slide off and splash all over the fucking floor..because really, that would have killed me...
I tried to blot my clothes...then I took to using the hand soap and hard ass paper towels..shiiiiit damnitttttt fuckinnn helll.
The nurse was all "Are you ok?"..and because I'm a wonderful actress, I said "Oh, just FIIIINE!".
I'm convinced that I smelled like a Skid Row wino for the rest of the exam...

*sigh*

And because the universe likes to kick me in the face, I found out today that they ran the wrong test on my first jug of piss and now they need ANOTHER one...

I'm almost afraid to ask "what next?"..because with my luck, it will probably be a stool sample....

Somebody's Home...Still

2010-12-01T17:29:00.005-05:00

Thanksgiving..we spent it in the backwoods with the in-laws...I have never laughed so hard in my life. They are some of my favorite people on this earth..weird huh?

We finally told them about the baby {insert screaming, hollering and crying here}

I was able to get about a speck of signal strength 2 out of the 4 days we were there..sigh

What else happened..ummm..hmm

Oh..yeah, I went to my official "First OB Appointment"..it's been a month in the making - damn you bleeding uterus - We heard the heartbeat (cute!!) and Lil Peanut did a dance for us (showoff - OBVIOUSLY my child)

The nurse/midwife says that everything looks good in there and I guess I believe her. My blood pressure is being an asshole so they are making me double up on my meds - Oh Joy.
For some reason, they found it necessary to take FOURTEEN vials of blood from me!! - huh? By the time I got home I felt like somebody had kicked my ass all over town..and I was FREEZING. Remind me to never do that again.

Here's a pic of the spawn..and I only say that because, at certain angles, he/she looks like he/she has horns...no really, LOOK!

Yay Peanut

2010-11-23T11:10:00.003-05:00

So Wednesday, I went and got a "follow-up" ultrasound and got to see lil Peanut...um, wow, that was CRAZY!

Even though he/she only has a huge head and some lil nubs for arms and legs - he/she is a fucking dancing machine..yep, that's MY baby alright.

I heard the heartbeat...double wow...they say it's a good one too.

According to the Ultrasound Tech, Peanut looked to be about 8 weeks and 2 days at that time.

I'm still spotting and despite all my whining and crying, the doctor seems to think that this is normal..I dunno though, it still freaks me out.

I'm supposed to be on "pelvic rest" so that means no heavy lifting, housework or sex...

Damn, I was supposed to film "Hot, Heavy Box Lifting, Pregnant Maids" next week..

damn it all to hell.

Ok, Yeah..That

2010-11-15T09:53:00.002-05:00

On the 11th I took another hCG test and it was 41,000.....not doubled like it was "supposed" to be..I'm not sure what to do about that and I'm STILL spotting EVERY day....no pelvic pain, heavy bleeding or fever so I guess that's a good sign?

I called the doctor and had to leave a fucking message..yay.

I have a follow-up ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday and I plan on just walking in today and getting another blood test since it seems no one can be bothered to fucking call me back.

I'm scared, irritated and anxious...so yeah, that.

While I was writing this from work, I called the "advice nurse" and told her everything. She's going to tell the Midwife on Duty about the situation and they will get back to me...

SIGH..I hate waiting.

Lil Peanut Update

2010-11-05T17:43:00.005-04:00

So I went to the doctor on Thursday and it seems that my uterus is quite crowded..no, not multiples - calm down..sheesh.

It's the damn fibroids..they're huge and stuff and they have made my girly parts all big.

For example, a regular woman's uterus is say, a precious little boutique - 6 cm maybe...mine? it's the Mall of America..measuring at over 20 cm!!..yay?

It is so huge, they could not find Lil Peanut at first...so I had to go over to Radiology and have the "real" ultrasound done.
Seems they could not see it either but after some searching there he/she/it/whatev was..all 5 weeks of him/her/it/whatev....but, the sac is so small and my fibroids are so huge, they are not able to see very much at this time.

I had an hCG blood test taken and it shows my level at 33638.0 and according to the chart below:

APPROXIMATE GESTATIONAL AGE
Weeks
5 - 6
Ranges
10,000 - 100,000

That means squeeeee! (?)

They want that level to double in the next 3 to 4 days because I guess that lets them know Lil Peanut is still alive...or something.

I'm still spotting - a fact that caused me to cry like an asshole in front of the nurse - which caused her to freak out and almost cry because she could not understand WHY I was crying - which caused my husband to cringe till he died.

Oh, and I have not told my Mother about ANY of this yet..because I'll cry.

Does the damn sap assness ever stop??

Updates And Shit...

2010-11-04T03:26:00.004-04:00

Well..Halloween came...BUT NO CHILDREN DID..

sigh...I decorated the porch, bought $17 worth of NAME BRAND CHOCOLATE and everything...

The Bible Thumpin' - "Halloween is the Debbul" Committee To Ruin Shit seems to have cancelled the annual costume contest at work so my painfully cute 80's costume hung in the closet like a jackass the entire time..

Fuck 'em...

Last week, I had a urinary tract infection (oooo, sexy) so I went to the doctor..seems I'm pregnant and such....

but the Saturday before finding out, I went out clubbin with the co-workers and was DRUNK AS ALL HELL..and because I felt fat and all, decided to wear TWO girdle/corsets...nice prenatal care eh?..I'm a mothering phenomenon.

I have an appointment for 2pm eastern..today.

But I am scared..I'm 37..I have Type 2 Diabetes and I have IMMENSE uterine fibroids..and I have a weird detachment to the lil thing that we have named "Peanut"..because I'm a scared ass dumb ass...and because I can't keep my fucking mouth shut, proceeded to tell my co-workers..the same co-workers whose mouths are so big and far reaching, they could probably get a hand delivered message to Bin Laden before sun-up.

And some people seemed happy for me..some just told me I better not make THEIR lives miserable for the next 9 months and to sit my questioning ass down..um, wow.

But then about 45 minutes ago...I woke up with the urge to pee...and there was some blood..like it was the 1st day of my period..and I cried...a lot..really quietly because I did not want to wake my husband up..because he is so sweet and excited and worried that the waistband of my panties could hurt the baby...shit, I love him so much.

I've tried to make him aware of what could "happen" because of my Diabetes..but he says sweet things like: "No offense to the lil he/she/it inside you but, I just want YOU to be alive and healthy"..could ya just hump his leg??!!??

oh, back to the story and stuff..

I called my insurance company's "advice nurse" at what the hell o'thirty and tried not to wail uncontrollably in his ear..he was so nice and "Southern"..with a reassuring lilt in his voice.."Now, sugar, if you were in the kind of pain I'M asking you about, honey, you wouldn't have to think about it"..I love southern lilty male voices.
But then all of the horrible miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy stories that I've been hearing about and reading about on this fucking internet thing started swirling around in my head and I cried to poor Richard Advice Nurse Guy..begging him to get me an earlier appointment...as if a 4 am appointment was an actual possibility...cuz geez, don't they know who "I" am??
He said that I literally have the only open appointment at that facility for the next 3 thousand years and that I should just take a few deep breaths and "go lay down somewhere"...

I'll try....but I'm not making any promises.

Wow..This Thing Is Still Live?

2010-09-15T17:09:00.002-04:00

Yeah yeah..imma get to it

I've been sleepy and stuff...

I promise to have something stupid to post shortly...

Fuck You And Your Raggedy Ass Carwash

2010-08-19T09:09:00.004-04:00

*Sigh*

And for today's "Complaint, Whine, Bitch and Moan" News....

Last week my husband went to our local carwash, CARNETT'S for his usual $29.99 carwash.
(He goes there every other week or so, so the people there know him by first name and vice versa)
He pulls the car up, they wave for him to get out and go wait in the lobby - as usual
But this time, they don't give him a little "pay us bitch" ticket...hmm, strange he thinks but continues on into the lobby.
He busies himself on their free internet while he waits - as usual - and when it's time for the car to be ready, he SPEAKS DIRECTLY TO THE MANAGER and says "Are we good? Straight?" as in "Is this one free??" and the guy says SURE, BYEEEEE!! in his usual, weird, chipper way.

ok so...I had no idea that any of this happens because men don't EVER tell you the important things...EVER.

Why then did I get a CERTIFIED LETTER in the mail from the local police dept mentioning that these fucktards have filed a report for Theft Of Services against me and the husband???

{Insert lots of WTFs and Who In The Hells here}

I called the detective and asked her what was going on and she explains that she has just watched the surveillance video showing my seemingly THIEFTASTICAL husband "stealing a carwash"..umm, hold on lady, we're not thieves...and if we were, we'd steal something WAAAYYY better than a raggedy ass carwash.

Since I didn't want any trouble from Da Po Po, I asked her what we needed to do in order to clear this up and she said "Oh, just pay them..no big deal".....NO BIG DEAL??? The hell?

I called my husband, screamed at him and stuff...poor guy, he didn't deserve the screaming but I was pre menstrual..shut up..I was!
He explained the situation so then I called the carwash...these fools were more worried about it getting ready to rain outside than they were about me screaming and hollering about their shitty procedures...*sigh*

So I paid these jackasses this morning...they were all boucing around and happy to have me back like nothing happened -yeah fuck you, here's your damn money...it took everything in my soul not to take my arm and sweep it across the counter, knocking ALL that shit off of it...but I didn't

Because as you are all aware, I'm SUCH a fucking lady...

WTF IS THAT LIL PIC THINGIE??

2010-08-03T14:04:00.004-04:00

Ok..so is it just me or is there a lil Photobucket "fuck you" image superimposed on my blog page??

The interwebbins is tha devil...

EDITED TO ADD:

Oh..it was my background..seems the webadingalinding site went outta business...

Shit I Don't Need...

2010-07-28T15:44:00.003-04:00

I went to the mall yesterday to return THE CUTEST STEVE MADDEN FLATS EVER....EVER AND THEY WERE THE LAAAASSSST PAIR!!!, because they made me feel guilty with their $29 (on clearance) price tag and they'd probably never EVER get worn...and I needed gas money. SIGH

Across from the shoe store, there was this super huge mega mart underwear clearance center..cuz big ass purple satin draws need a place to die, I suppose.

I had nothing better to do so I went in and noticed these bras with "modesty petals" in them....wow, really?

I promise you, I can count on two fingers the times that my nips have gotten hard in the cold in my 37 years of life...really.

Maybe my nips are defective or something....and gawd, these bras were like 3 inches of push up foam too. What the hell kind of nips could possibly bust through these things??

But why is that I'm almost jealous of these "intrusive nip" people?

Probably because I just wanna buy something...yeah, that.

More Bullshit...

2010-07-22T11:46:00.003-04:00

Look, I KNOW that I've been a whining crying ass heffa for the past couple of posts....

But now this:

Orchard Bank closed my credit card account..because they thought that they "heard me request it" in a previous customer service inquiry.....

WHAT THE FUCKIN HELL???

sigh

No bitch, what I said was: "IF you raise my interest rate, I would consider closing my account" and YOUR SUPERVISOR said that "it DEFINITELY would not happen"..and we were square

Now I'm ass out because as a former bankruptcy filer, NOBODY LOVES ME (at least no credit card companies do)

I called them today only to hear in so many words..."Sorry Bitch..Life is tough..watch what you say".
I asked to speak to a supervisor and she informed me that the reinstatement request was DENIED....umm, I was good enough for you 5 months ago but now I'm chopped liver?
And then cow even had the nerve to end the conversation with: "I hope we have a chance to do business with you in the future"....I nearly slapped her through the phone.

DOUBLE WHAT THE FUCKIN HELL?

After a cool off period, I called again and asked to speak to the person that could fix this...spoke to an account rep who gave me the whole "canned response" thing again then put me on hold forever while she checked to see if I was eligible for a NEW card..yeah..check this out:

Thank you for applying. Unfortunately, HSBC Bank Nevada, N.A. is unable to approve your application at this time.
Unfortunately, HSBC is unable to approve your application due to the following reason(s):
WE RECENTLY APPROVED YOU FOR AN HSBC ACCOUNT

{Insert my screaming, yelling and cursing here}

So yeah, now I can't rent a car when I need to..AND I MAY NEED TO THIS WEEKEND!!...

Does the steam coming out of my ears make me look fat?

Can I Just Have My Fucking Money?

2010-07-14T11:54:00.003-04:00

sigh....

I hate:

1. Bank of America
2. My state's Revenue Department
3. My bootleg ass Tax Guy
4. Everything else

I had my taxes done on April 14th..cuz I'm a slack ass. By the end of May, I started to wonder where the hell my state refund was so i called the lil automated info line and was told that it was deposited on May 26th...um no hell it wasn't.

So I waited

and waited....

Then I called people and started yelling...of course nobody knew shit.

I somehow found out that my $1505 dollars was deposited into some random Bank of America account...huh? Again, nobody knows shit.

...cut to today...I have made over 20 phone calls and made two seperate visits to an actual bank.

Bootleg ass Tax Guy says that he has no idea how that number got on my tax return..(yeah right)

State Dept of Revenue says they ran a tracer..The bank is fully aware that this is NOT my account number but that the bank says "contact the bank" (?)

Contacted the bank..they say contact Dept of Revenue and my tax preparer (?)

Everybody needs to suck a fat one

So bottom line, everybody knows where the body is buried but no one can find a fucking shovel for me...oh, and if that isn't bad enough, I find out that Bootleg Ass Tax Guy FORGOT to do my taxes in tax yr 2008...sigh

The reason I didn't notice was that I faxed our info to him in 2009...We received a refund via direct deposit..seemed small but I figured, "oh well, rough tax year".
Seems that my husband's taxes got done but mine, CONTAINED IN THE SAME DAMN FAX, did not get done..he probably let the dog eat them.

Now That's at least ANOTHER $1500 this asshole has fucked up...OH!! and he had the nerve to get sass-mouthed with me on the phone yesterday.."well, y'all can try to get that money (the missing refund)out of me..I aint got it"..umm, huh? This crackhead is just BEGGING me to come over there and burn his damn house down huh?
He claims that he'll get my previous year's tax return done "ASAP"..yeah, right.

So now I've taken to calling people's supervisors and such, and of course, everybody is playing stupid.

The lady at the bank commented on how calm I am about this...It's not calm, it's "beat down and nearly defeated"...

To be continued...

Yeah..Bored..And Sick

2010-06-24T10:34:00.003-04:00

After nursing my oh so sick husband back to health..I then got a matching Upper Resiratory Infection because after all, phlegm is sexy.

I've been trapped in my house for a week (god..so damn dramatic).

I've decided to finish this post from my iPhone...let's see if the world ends.

Being in the house this many days has brought me to the realization that I can't take my parents living in my house another god damned minute.

There, I said it.

It sounds mean..but it's true. I'm really getting tired of the excuses as to why they can't move back into their own house (that they pay a motrgage on every month while they shack at other people's houses).
Now, some of the excuses are valid - for instance, someone stole their AC unit...but they bought another one...now they need $350 in order to get it installed and another $400 for a security cage...sigh

But some of the things my stepdad comes up with...grr
one of his personal bests: "we can't leave until we get a new garage door"

yeah...I'll let that lil nugget marinate.....

Is he fucking serious? I had to walk out of the room before I strangled him. And I know this sounds biased, but if it was just my Mom, I'd have no problem with a "house guest"...plus she works nights and we rarely see her.
It's her husband...belching, farting, over-acting, woe is me ass.
He spends all his free time sitting on the bed festering and barking orders at my mom. He's started to take all of his meals in the guest room..you should see the fucking carpet....oh. I forgot yo mention the permanent ass dip impression the mattress has developed thanks to him. My husband says that he'll never be able to lay on that bed again and that if we could just get them out, we'd have one hell of a bonfire.

Gawd..part of me feels like an asshole for wanting them out but the other part is really pissed...they were only supposed to be here for a week LAST THANKSGIVING and they haven't left since...
My co-worker says that they would do the same for me if I needed help...umm they did..and after a couple of months, I GOT OFF MY ASS and found my own apartment!

I've tried to help them come up with an exit strategy but naaawww..I'm hit with a wall of bullshit.

It sucks having to "parent" your parents.

How I Took A Solo Trip...And Did Not Come Back In A Coffin

2010-06-03T13:05:00.027-04:00

I HAD to get the fuck out of my house before I ended up on that show "Snapped" - so I decided to go to the beach!

I wanted to go long before now but because of "certain people" in my house, my money was jacked up..for like 10 years....

I picked Ft. Lauderdale because frankly, the flight was cheap.
My co-worker "Sista Don't Play Dat" was able to get me a round trip buddy pass for $98 (WOO!).
I'd had my bags packed 2 weeks early...cuz I obviously needed to get away.

Speaking of flights, since I was on stand-by, I got a LOVELY seating choice (read: SHITTY). Did they really expect my half asleep ass to take on this kind of responsibility??

Notice how it says the door weighs 44 pounds?...yeah, I can barely lift my iPhone off the table on a good day.There was a girl sitting next to me that obviously needed a sedative. She actually grabbed me 2 or three times when there was turbulence..and those who know me KNOW that I don't like to be touched...oh, and this: she was dry heaving at one point......I DON'T "DO" VOMIT!!
Her nervous ass along with the screaming, whining toddlers across the aisle made for the Flight From Hell 2010...sigh, good times.

Please enjoy this lovely photo of my hooves...

Beaches are puuurdy....

Why yes, I did indeed bring alcoholic beverages to the beach..cuz I CAN!!

I spent a pretty good day at the beach overall. I did however notice that people were staring at me a little. At first I thought it was because I was such a fat ass but then I realized that you don't see very many black women sun tanning..yeah, that.

I spent an ok night in the room (The Hyatt Summerfield Suites ROCKS!! It was new, it was clean, it was crackhead free) and woke up to lug my lazy ass to the "complimentary" breakfast buffet...

I put quotes on complimentary because at $100 a fucking night, it SHOULD be free.

I went out to the Hard Rock Casino (aka "Smoker's Paradise"). It was fun..I guess..I won $2.

There's "bar scene" on the casino property. I noticed that you had to be carded by security to enter that area so I got my ID out because I look young (SHUT UP, I DO) ...and they didn't check it...fuckers.

I then contemplated doing some REALLY dumb shit to recapture my lost youth:

But a girl got on and the bull's head fell off...um, no thanks. An old seasoned broad such as myself knew this was a bad omen.

I decided to walk around the casino a little more and happened upon this Wall-O-Meat in front of a steakhouse..weird.

Over the next couple of days I visited a few more beaches some were nice..some were gross and overcrowded - like this one in Miami.

Ok, offended people from Miami, you KNOW I'm right.

I then drove around South Beach for a fucking hour trying to find a parking space, yeah a near impossible feat because of people like this broad:

She had a jewelry store in the back of her SUV..times are hard huh?

I got out and walked around...You wanna feel like an old bag? Try walking 2 blocks down Ocean Drive...Oh and everybody there thinks that there are on The Jersey Shore *gag*.

I put about 250 miles on my sexy 2010 Chrysler 300 RENTAL. (stock photo below..cuz I was obviously too drunk to take a pic of the real one)

I spent a large amount of those miles driving around in circles, screaming at my iPhone because GoogleMaps is a filthy, lying whore....

I got a pretty good deal on it though (yay Last Minute Internet Specials!!) but they wouldn't give me the same rate for an extra day..assholes..and their daily rate was higher than a giraffe's ass so I had to call another place...a "no frills" place..oh hell.

For $15 a day, I got the keys to THIS fine tuned racing machine.....

You are BURRRRNINNNG with envy right now aren't you? Pardon? That's crabs you say? Oh.

Moving on....

The Hyatt Summerfield has a "happy hour" on weekdays with more "free" food and they actually serve REAL wine and beer...oh sweet Jesus thank you.

I treated it like it was my dinner and had seconds..because I'm just ghetto like that.

Speaking of ghetto, please check out my spy photo from the first row of FIRST CLASS...(notice my obnoxious, curly weave at the bottom right)

Yes, on the way home I was able to get a first class seat ON A STANDBY TICKET BITCHES!!! (that was my actual Facebook status update..sigh, no home training)

It took everything in me not to run down the aisles in coach telling the other passengers to kiss my black ass...but I refrained..barely.

Are you aware that they serve your beverages in actual GLASSES in first class?? and - EEEE! *clutch the pearls* - they DON'T throw your snacks at you!! They serve them to you in a beautiful basketttttt!!
Oh and to get you even more moist...when it's time to pick up your snack trash, instead of snatching it and throwing in an overflowing, nasty trash bag, they have a sexy lil tray that you can put it on...lawwwd, hold my mule while I shout!

Can you tell I haven't been anywhere in a while??

Maybe it's just me, but I felt like the other passengers in first class were looking at me like "who's this skank?..she smells like welfare and bad choices"....but I just put on my HUGE fake Chanel sunglasses and looked down my nose at them..fuckers.

I wanted to take a picture of the beach from the airplane...but even though I was in first class, the stewardess looked like she could cut a bitch so this is one I took of the everglades once old girl said it was ok to turn on devices.

sigh..I wanna go back.....

The Bitch Is Back...

2010-05-20T12:09:00.003-04:00

and with nothing important to say except...

Why do people make so much fucking noise when they blow their noses??

I PROMISE you that I've been blowing my own nose for years and I have never even once made that obnoxious "honking" noise...wtf??

that is all....

MUTED or..The Internet Is The Debbul

2010-04-23T10:31:00.006-04:00

Funny how emotional pain actually hurts you physically.

My privacy was invaded by someone I loved and trusted.

The Internet was my outlet...I could be WHOever I wanted to be and say WHATever I wanted to say...and people would laugh at what I "said" or agree with me on controversial issues, thus, making my real life lonliness and pain sting a little less.

And now it has come back only to bite me square in my ample ass.

The consequences will be far reaching and I don't know if I'll recover from this...yeah, I'm STILL overly dramatic..must be in my genes.

I'm going to take some time away and go shut my fucking Internet mouth, my strong, beautiful, sexy, "Hey Asshole, Go Fuck Yourself" self has been knocked down quite a few pegs.

Oh the irony of my blog's title....

I'm A Cheating Ass Ho

2010-04-16T11:16:00.003-04:00

Blogger..sit down hun...we need to talk.

I'm cheating on you...WITH MY NEW FUCKIN iPHONE!!!

He treats me better than you do and frankly..his dick is bigger than yours...so umm..me and him will need to be alone for another week...I'll tire of him soon and be back in your warm arms before you know it...

stop crying, it'll give you wrinkles.

okthnxbai

Toilets and Tampons..You're Shitting Me..RIGHT?

2010-03-26T13:20:00.000-04:00

WARNING...POSSIBLE GAG ALERT!!

Anyway, today I'm talking to a co-worker about how nice my new gym is except for the fact that there are signs everywhere in the locker room that state:

PLEASE DO NOT FLUSH ANYTHING EXCEPT PHYSICAL WASTE AND TOILET PAPER - PLEASE DO NOT FLUSH TAMPONS!!

So I say to her: "What JACKASS would flush a tampon down a toilet..how asinine can you get?"......well um, it seems that she is that very jackass....wow, my bad..lol

She told me that her entire life since puberty, she's flushed tampons down the toilet and she frankly thought people who didn't were gross.

This launched a large discussion/debate between all 30 women (and sadly, some very embarrassed men) in the vicinity.

My WHOLE life (god, we're dramatic) it has been an unwritten rule to NEVER flush tampons...then when I was living with my aunt in my 20's, I saw firsthand why...my cousin had been doing this and one day, it LITERALLY blew up in her face..yep, toilet backed up and overflowed..flooded the bathroom and most of the hallway..not sexy.

The plumber found like 20 of them in the drain pipe..*GAG*

So I take it upon myself to poll the crowd..looks like a mostly "NO, don't flush" crowd...but the ones that DO??...good gawd, they're bat-shit crazy.

One lady and I debated (yes, it was a slow work day) about throwing away pads but flushing tampons...I personally think that if you can wrap a sopping ass pad up and trash it, you can do the same with a tampon...she didn't agree..I wanted to yell: "It's THE SAME FUCKING THING!!!"..but of course I didn't, cuz I'm a lady...ok, stop laughing.

Now, here's the question of the week (don't worry, there are no other questions or weeks..whatev.)

DO YOU FLUSH OR TRASH??

You Vapid, Irrelevant, Simple, Probably Drunk From Last Night COW

2010-03-10T14:39:00.004-05:00

Remember my heelarious baby commercial post..(the actual commercial is here)?

Well, it seems that Lindsey Lohan is a lil upset about it "depicting her" and she's suing for $100 Million..oh BOO HOO Heffa!!!

She thinks that it was modeled after her and improperly invoked her “likeness, name, characterization, and personality...if I could invent new curse words to fling at you, I would.

Now I'll admit that when I first saw it - I pictured in my mind a baby girl at a playdate..laying across the couch drunk offa milk with empty baby bottles strewn about..HAAAAAAA..my mind is a little imbalanced though.

Look Lindsay..I understand that you came from a fucked up family..most of us did..but don't go getting mad at us for makin light of choices that YOU made..

In the words of my Grandma....

"Get your ass somewhere and sit the fuck down!!"

Sometimes They Let Me Out Of The Asylum For Day Trips

2010-03-02T09:57:00.033-05:00

Yesterday my friend who I call "Rest My Nerves" went to a live taping of the Mo'Nique Show.

I call her that because every time I turn around she is saying the phrase "I just wanna get somewhere and rest my damn nerves"..she has a very low tolerance for bullshit and it makes me laugh.

Anyhoooo - We were somehow able to score two free tix to the taping of the show. At first I was like: meh..ok..it'll be fun I guess...

But by the time we pulled into the parking lot..I was kinda hyped and by the time she came out on stage..I was losing my fucking mind..gah, I embarrass myself sometimes.

Ok so first thing that happens after you contact the show, they call you back and give you some info then they send you an email with a final confirmation, directions and a parking pass..Before the email, we expected that this super exclusive parking pass to be something special but when the email came...yeah..not so much...

Yep..we had to print it out our damn selves...on our company's printer of course..so Ritzy.

That's RMN in the parking deck where the security guard barely glanced at our beautiful artwork.

We had to wait in a "holding pen" in the freezing ass parking deck for a little while in order to sigh a release form and get a wristband..a special wristband thankyouverymuch

ok so it looks like we went clubbin..whatev.

As we were standing in the holding pen..I noticed some of the women walking up..*sigh*...my people embarrass me sometimes. I mean these broads were dressed like it was Amateur Night at Porky's Strip Palace.

Now, I KNOW my fat ass was pushin' it with my 3 inch heel ankle boots but these heffas??..wow.

I guesstimate that the lady in front of me was right around 400 pounds and had on 6 inch knockoff Louboutins which probably would have been fine if we didn't have to walk 637 miles to the actual studio.

SUGGESTION to the Mo'Nique Show: SHUTTLE BUS

Yeah, not fun for the bigguns in high heels

Once you get to the studio you are searched for weapons, cell phones, cameras and such. I was kinda pissed that I had to leave my camera in the car..Not because I wanted to capture any precious lifetime memories - I really just wanted to show you the bad outfit choices people make here in the South..I'm a giver like dat

Ok..TV studios are about as toasty the frozen tundra. They should hang a sign up that reads: HARD NIPPLE ALERT AHEAD

We weren't early enough to get seats on the floor in front of the stage but they seated us in the "bleachers" on the second row..yay us

The audience warm up guys Gerard Guillory and Tone X were GREAT. They actually have to tell you WHAT to do and WHEN to do it on top of acting like complete jackasses..tough job..where do I sign up??

Bad thing is though..they get you so fucking worked up that by the time the show starts, you are sweaty and ready for a nap

Since I couldn't take a picture of Mo'Nique, I made my IMVU avatar dress up just like her..remember, I'm a giver..or a dumb ass..whatever

I must say that she looked GOE JUSSS!! Her shoes made me moist..sorry, but they did.

She's lost a lot of weight but she's still "Mo'Nique"..and yes, she really is loud as all hell in person but it was fun.

I caught myself crying like an ass-hat when I saw her..smh..I hope they didn't catch that on camera...those cameramen are a little "aggressive" if you ask me..but you didn't.

She did an interview once where she said that no matter what weight she was - she always felt pretty and that her family raised her to feel good about herself..I love that.

The guests were Angie and Jesse (Debi Morgan and Darnell Williams) from All My Children..*sigh*..love them

Tevin Campbell was also there..*sigh*..still love him too. Weird thing - he was nervous when he walked on stage. I guess I figured that someone who's been in the business as long as he has would be cool with that..guess not.

I wanted to stay and hump on her leg but it seemed kinda strange to just hang out like a stalker...but I seriously plan on making that my weekly outing on my days off

Kinda like a stalker huh?

The Internet Is Bad For You..

2010-02-24T13:12:00.017-05:00

Because I know that you were just MOIST with anticipation...Here's an IMVU update.

I recently attended a Trailer Trash Bash..because as a classy ass broad, I am invited to only the most exclusive events ya know?

Here's me and a friend, chillin' on the "veranda"

What?..My lil Trick Baybee's gotta eat!!

Ahh..the miracle of birth...this is Lerleane's 12th child..(this year)

Betty - quenchin her Meth-thirst

and as per usual..a fight broke out

Notice how lil Trick Baybee just hangs on me hands free..he's talented like dat.

And now for the talent portion of our program...

Some quiet time with lil Quantalavius O'Shaunessy... His daddy "might" have been an Irish truck driver..I think...and yes, those are PBR can curlers in my weave..recycling is important ya know.

mm hmm..we are the hottest bitches in the trailer court!! I'm sure you're wondering why Betty Rae is all bruised up..she , umm, fell in the tub..yeah, that.

I'm sure that I've offended anyone who has ever lived in a trailer..my work here is DONE!!!...*taking a bow*

Milko..What??

2010-02-08T11:07:00.002-05:00

HAAAAA..talking babies are heeelarious..or really stupid..whatever

..and Lindsey??..THE BEST PART

Babies Are Yummy

2010-02-05T12:58:00.007-05:00

So remember I said that I wanna steal an Asian baby?

This one would be my first acquisition:

eat @ Yahoo! Video

http://video.yahoo.com/watch/4546511/12175400

and my second: (His anger makes me giggle..cuz I'm mean and in need of therapy)

eat @ Yahoo! Video

http://video.yahoo.com/watch/5317430/14019354

Asian Dudes are HAWT!!

2010-01-23T17:29:00.017-05:00

OK, so for the past couple of years I've had this inappropriate fascination with hot Asian guys.

Could it be that I've never actually dated one?

I mean, let's be honest - on a normal day, my cooch could be mistaken for the front lobby of United Nations Headquarters..I've had 'em all thankyouverymuch.

I'm sure that the informers who run and tell my husband every damn thing they see on here are just moist with anticipation right now.

I was goofing off (as usual) at work on the Internet and I came across a photographer named Norm Yip and he is my hero..he has a book called The Asian Male..*sigh*..so yummy.

But of course, me being stupid as all shit..I decided to go to icanhazcheezburger.com where you can BUILD YOUR OWN "LOLZ"...I promise you, it's the best thing since maxi pads for big girls (or at least ones with big ole asses).

Anywhooo, here's the product of my boredom and stupidity:

OK..I know..call somebody to come pick my crazy ass up..but you gotta admit that they ARE kinda fine....

Oh, did I mention that I also try to steal cute lil Asian babies at least once a week??

What?..they're just so damn cuuuuute!!

Keith Olbermann Is The MuthaFukkin' Man!!

2010-01-15T09:58:00.004-05:00

Ok so..I try not to get into the whole "politics/religion" thing..because people are haters here in the Bible Belt South...but Keith always says what I'm thinking and am too afraid to say out loud:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-PEaWUduCM

and just in case that one has been removed...(sorry, I'm at work and YouTube is blocked here)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1HO1bdMnwQ

Yeah..Not Really In The Mood For Bullshit This Year

2010-01-10T19:22:00.002-05:00

Life Update:

It still sucks ass

Yay for updates!!

I have mind alteringly painful cramps today so I'm just a ball of fucking sunshine.

There's an ice storm going on right now..and my employers fully expect US to show up..but they can "work from home"..fuckers

What else...hmm..lemme see

Belly's sister wore a celadon green sweat suit to work Friday..she looks like a 400 pound lima bean..or better yet..Roz fom Mon.sters Inc:

Woo..I slay me

Oh, and my parents are STILL in my guest room...sigh
I promise, if it was just my Mom staying there it would be cool because she's very quiet and unobtrusive...but my damn Step Dad is - in a word - GROSS.
It took everything in me not to vomit all over the keyboard thinking of how he just sits on my guest bed belching, breathing heavy, moaning from "so called" body aches, grunting and blowing his nose..

All. Fuckin'. Day.

Small things get to me..I guess it's an OCD thing.
Every time I go in there to use the computer..he's in there..just festering
So I try to ignore him, I even turn my headphones up to "level 11"..AND I CAN STILL HEAR HIM!!

edited to add: For fuck's sake..he's taken to eating ALL of his meals in my guest room now..he rarely leaves said room..great, I guess I can look forward to squatters AND roaches.

Oh and this: He hums when he eats.. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??

I just want some time to my damn self to play IMVU, goof off on Facebook and hell, even look at some funny porn movie outtakes!!

umm..huh?...just act like you didn't see that last part

Anyway...

I really want to lose weight this year...yeah, I say that EVERY year but this time I mean it...shut up..I'm serious...ok if you're gonna laugh that loud, at least take it outside.

I've decided to call this little initiative:
"One Piece (with a sarong) Fine" By Summer Time
(because "Bikini Fine" is just asking for too much right now.)

I went to the gym today and walked a mile on the treadmill. Both, for the first time in months..sigh..my ass felt like it was on fire for the first few minutes but somehow I survived. Plus, it gave me a place to go that ISN'T the cluster-fuck of my house or work.

Hmm..maybe having squatters will be a great way to lose weight..MAYBE

Christmas Kicked My Ass..

2009-12-28T12:19:00.001-05:00

but unlike Thanksgiving - It also spit in my face and called my Mother a whore.

The End

More Talk Of Bellies And Such

2009-12-18T11:23:00.002-05:00

Wikipedia calls it a Panniculus...I call it....FRIEND

Remember my post about Belly's Sister's Belly?...well I'm still afraid of that big ole thang...and it still talks to me...but now it speaks in a French accent...Sacrebleu!!

I was walking back to my desk the other day and she was in a back hallway on her cell phone. She was leaning back against the window sill and I (unfortunately) happened to notice that her stomach had a CAMEL TOE!!!! ( I would link a heeelarious reference to that word but every thing related to it has been blocked where I work..fuckin party poopers).

*fainted, then died*

I find myself wondering if she wears her panties OVER it or UNDER it....I mean, I have a lil gut and I wear my panties over it..people tell me that I tend to over share...they're crazy.

Ok..I'm so damn mean...but sometimes I just can't help it.

Oh Stop Ya Blood-Clot Cryin Already....

2009-12-11T12:42:00.004-05:00

*sigh*

Now that my ass is a little less sore from Thanksgiving...ok, that sounded weird...I am now takin the time to have a little pity party.

I hate everybody and everything.

It seems that my parents and lil sister have moved into my guest room. They have been here since Thanksgiving...it just "sorta happened".

Long story short - They have a house about 30 miles from mine - 2.5 years ago they saw a rodent of some sort in there - they RAN from said house to Grandma's house - they visited their own house occasionaly while they "sorta" moved in with GMa - the roof sprung a leak - no one noticed for a while - mildew is half way up the wall in my lil sis's room..and spreading - her ceiling also fell in - GMa finally got sick of having house guests - Oh, and my parents don't have a lot of money AND they have a procrastination problem.

I offered to help them fix the situation but I can't get them to commit to anything.

Try to talk to my step dad the other night just about made me slit my throat. You see, he's a Narcoleptic that also has Sleep Apnea..yeah, good times.

I mean, shit, we could pull a truck up to the nearest gas station and pick up a few day laborers, some masks, a couple of crowbars, shovels and have the room gutted in like an hour!!

Drywall costs what? $12 a sheet? a roll of insulation? $20...tarp? $30???

Fuckin hell, it makes me angry that they let their house get to the state it's in.

I've decided to get an extremely small loan from the credit union to try and help out.

Shit sucks..we're poor and I'm tired....and I still have far too many people living in my condo that I am not married to.

Somebody pour me a drink....A BIG ONE

And get me a shotgun...cuz if I see ANYTHING remotely "rodent-ish" while I'm there??? That fucker will be dead as the day is long.

Thanksgiving Kicked My Ass

2009-12-02T10:55:00.001-05:00

The End.

For The Thick Chicks...

2009-11-20T23:24:00.002-05:00

Damn..I Need A Camera Phone

2009-11-20T20:57:00.003-05:00

ok..this is now my FAVORITE DAMN WEBSITE!!!

peopleofwalmart.com

I live in the South..and believe me, people here make QUITE an impression...HA

I Always Feel Like Somebody Is Watchin' Meeeee

2009-11-13T09:13:00.005-05:00

Good lord, when was my last post??

Shaddup, I've been busy fending off a Belly doppelganger.

Yes...there's a new guy...and strangely he looks like a caucasian version of Belly..and he stares at my juggs...and I hate him already.

He's only actually spoken to me once..and my skin crawled afterwards...His pod mate is my buddy who I call "Paul Wall" the most ghetto white boy I have ever met..and when I go over there to get my "hood fix", Ole Beady Eyes is always there..justa lookin.

and he's a Mouth-Breather..how sexy.
Even sexier, his stomach is so big he has to lean almost all the way back in his chair.

I seem to be fascinated with people's stomachs lately..I'm like a child that can't stop staring.
I know it's mean...but I just can't help it. Belly's sister's is one of my favorites to look at. It hangs all the way down by her knees and she sorta has to propel it forward when she walks.

It's almost like it speaks to me in a pre-historic nomadic language that the two of us can understand.

Stomach: Bleety Buu Hee Owww *tongue click* Mehee Calala
Me: Mmm Hmmm, every day and twice on Wednesdays

I think it's mostly skin from when she had an "alleged" gastric bypass some years ago...but a fellow hateful co-worker disagrees and says "aww hell naww, that's fat"...(this is the same person that said she needed a "do-over" on her gastric bypass...and I laughed for 2 hours after he said that - I felt bad - but I still laughed).

I sometimes wonder if she has to put baby powder under it like I have to do with my big ole Double D's in the summer time.....

This blog is a cry for help isn't it?

Yay Halloween??

2009-10-30T11:06:00.012-04:00

*sigh*

Happy almost Halloween....

As usual, I am the only person dressed up...because "Halloween is the Devil" according to the "Amen Corner".

Whatever...

I'm Coffy/Foxy Brown today...but I've renamed myself Koffee Keylala Brown..cuz I'm bored.

If I weren't trying to keep my hateful ass anonymous, I'd show you some pictures...

Whatever... Eat some damn cupcakes.... gone horribly wrong

I Really Hate People Who Hate Other People..

2009-10-16T14:21:00.002-04:00

*sigh*

My co-workers are RAGING homophobes and it makes me sad. I call them the Amen Corner and they tend to hide it under the guise of being religious and that "it just aint right"...but the bottom line is that they are mean as fuck.

Ok, I get the whole "freedom of speech" thing but gaaahh..the things they say are just..ughh, here are a few..because I just can't believe these broads sometimes:

"You know Queen Latifah has a girlfriend right?"
"Whaaaat??...Well I'll never buy another Cover Girl product again in my life"
"Mm Hmm girl, me neither"

"I can't believe those faggots are trying to compare their struggles to ours (Black People)..like they have any idea what's it's like to be discriminated against..{insert ME rattling off a list of parallels\similarities here} then..{insert a cubicle farm of blank stares and some crickets chirping here}

(On the subject of gays and adoption) "I just think that it's confusing for the children" umm really??..this comment came from an admitted home-wrecker with a million kids by 32,000 different baby-daddies. Confusing indeed.

Yesterday they were in a huddled whisper-fest about Obama saying (what they thought they heard him say) "was gonna overturn this whole gay marriage thing" and I heard one of them say: " OH HELL NAW BUDDY...we'll write a buncha damn letters!!"
It took everything in me not to tell them where to stuff their letters.

When me and my more tolerant co-workers talk about gay rights, there's this one lady who looks like she may actually vomit...sometimes I just wanna turn around and ask her: Is it really that fuckin bad????? I guess so, for her at least.

They have told me that I'm gay-friendly because of "That damn Internet"..um, ok

Oh, and they think that Flu Shots are the devil..wow, you just can't make this shit up...

The Biggest Loser Bra Top and Shorts - The Newest Trend In Humiliation-Wear

2009-09-23T16:42:00.009-04:00

*sigh*..I usually don't watch this show because..because better stuff is on in it's time slot...but I'm REALLY not gonna watch it anymore...are they SERIOUS with these bra tops and shorts???
NBC Producers, Why can't you let them wear the cute lil t-shirts you gave them earlier in the show???

I mean, I'm admittedly "kinda fat"..but I wouldn't be caught fuckin' dead in one of these bra tops..not even at home...by myself...on laundry day...during the Apocalypse.

Much like Dolly Parton's character in Steel Magnolias - "I haven't left the house without lycra on these thighs (and gut) since I was fourteen"

I feel bad having to burden your poor eyes with the task of having to look at my back-fat rolls...I'm a giver, I guess.

My co-workers on the other hand, just don't seem to give two fucks about their hanging flesh and stretch marks...I can't tell you how many times I've had to do a double take in the break room thinking: Did I just see a 400 pound broad in a TUBE TOP??!!

Yeah..I'm kind of a self hater if you haven't guessed it already.

She obviously just caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror....

YES!! One more week DONE..'wonder what they'll have us wearing NEXT week...

*shaking my head*..poor things

Glee Whore

2009-09-18T10:48:00.008-04:00

EEEEK!..did ya see Mercedes bust a window??..lololol, oh, been there before...AHEM!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=P0cJ2ZEGH2E

(I'm at work and Youtube is blocked so I can't embed the vid here..fuckers)

ok..I'll post the follwing embed code..but I can't see it..so it could be a video of someone stomping on kittens and I wouldn't know....

I HEART GLEE

2009-09-10T15:07:00.010-04:00

And I am not ashamed..well, maybe a little.

This show brings back memories of my freshman year in high school. I wanted to be in "Show Choir" SO FUCKIN' BAD!!!!!
That Mercedes girl was me..on the inside..and kinda on the outside, my hairlooks like that now.

But I was shy..and a nerd..and tried out once...AND DIDN'T MAKE IT...waaahhhhh!

My husband gives me "the look" when I sing along to all the songs..He asks, with a look of disgust: "How the hell do you know the words to THAT song?"...because I'm a geek, that's why...and showtunes are fun..asshole.

Man-Candy Of The Week: Jensen Ackles

2009-08-22T09:31:00.021-04:00

He's officially on the list of "White Dudes That Could Get It" ... hell, these days, who isn't?

He's on my fave show Supernatural on the CW network..Season Premier Sept 10th 9 pm

Yeah, the other guy is ok, but he doesn't have that "slam you up against a wall and love you down" quality that Jensen has (God, I am SUCH a whore)

And I hear that he's from Texas...and everything is bigger in Texas ....right?..I'm just sayin'...

I call that last pic: "You want me..don't you? Look at these other busters..even THEY want me!"

And yum.....

Proof That The Damn Internet Is Bad For You

2009-08-11T13:26:00.005-04:00

Being at home all day is not a good idea...

RUDE PEOPLE AT THE RedBox and The New Release DVD Rentals..HURRY THE HELL UP..pfftf

2009-08-05T11:03:00.006-04:00

OPEN LETTER TO THAT BROAD IN FRONT OF ME AT THE DOLLAR DVD RENTAL MACHINE YESTERDAY:

Bitch, I swear if you look at the synopsis of ONE MORE fucking movie, I will kill you.

PICK ONE!!
PUT IT IN THE FUCKING CART!!
SLIDE YOUR DAMN CARD!!
GET YOUR FUCKING MOVIE!!
AND GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY!!

Sincerely, That Bitch That Was Behind You..the one that had been at work for TEN hours and just wanted to return her damn movies before 7pm so that she would not be charged for another day.

She even continued to lallygag even after he daughter said "Mom, people are waiting"....would it be wrong if I slapped the taste out of her mouth?..probably, but it would feel so damn good.

I promise you, I waited at least 1o minutes behind her and because of her, I missed the cut off and had to pay for another day....

AAAArrrugggh!

I HATE people that act like they are the only people on earth when they can CLEARLY see that others are behind them..patiently waiting for a dumb ass to hurry up.

It's like people at the left turn signal..my pet fucking peeve...who, even though THE LIGHT IS THEIRS, turn the corner at 0.3 miles an hour...oh, that one KILLS me...are you afraid that you'll flip the car over if you go too fast or something???

Let's recap..please take notes

Linka72's Rules for the DVD machine:

1. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT BEFORE YOU GET THERE
2. HAVE YOUR DAMN DEBIT CARD READY
3. PICK A DAMN MOVIE REALLY QUICKLY
4. GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY
5. DON'T LET YOUR FREAKIN KIDS NEAR THE MACHINE (Their little brains are not advanced enough to be able to make these kinds of decisions quickly..they eat boogers for god's sake)

*stepping down from soapbox...taking a Valium...watching a movie*

Man-Candy Of The Week: Mehcad Brooks

2009-08-03T09:39:00.010-04:00

I know, I haven't posted since the 60's but I have a good excuse.....

His name is Mehcad Brooks and he's on True Blood..(The best show in the world) and I would drink his bath water...really.

*sigh*
Damn, he's yummy...

Ok Fine..My Last Post About IMVU..maybe

2009-07-18T11:22:00.015-04:00

It seems that at least ONE of my readers and I'm sure about 80% of my co-workers are "sick and damn tired" of me talking about IMVU.

*sigh*

I've been hearing that "I've changed" since getting my avatar..that I've "come out of my shell" or that I'm "starting to blur the line between reality and the virtual world"

Umm, I disagree.

I've said this somewhere before: I've been a 'ho since the early 90's..I just happen to have a way to dress her up in cute lil virtual clothes now.

You know how YOU think that something is so much fun that you want others to experience it, But when you show them the coolness they give you the blank stare and you hear crickets?

Yeah, I'm getting that feeling right about now...

A few of my older co-workers are sure that IMVU is the Devil...and so's the "interwebs"..I just laugh at them on the inside while nodding and smiling on the outside.

There are some really good people out there behind these "Devil Avatars"..and I've made some good friends...who cares if I've never actually seen them in person and sometimes I only know them by their screen name..doesn't seem strange to me..lol

Hey ladies!! - You know that guy I'm married to??...The one you broads LOVE SO MUCH?? Yeah, well I met him on the INTERNET!!

GASP..WHEEZE!!* Oh clutch the pearls Lula Mae!!!

Ok..I'm sounding like a brat.. 'cuz deep down inside, I AM ONE..and a rebel too.

So I'll probably add maybe just one or two more IMVU posts..yeah..that.

Myrtle Beach SC Can Go Straight To Hell

2009-07-10T09:01:00.025-04:00

*sigh*

It was our 2nd wedding anniversary on Tuesday..yeah, we were one of the millions who got caught up in the whole "7/7/07" thing...

Since we never really went on a honeymoon OR a 1st anniversary trip, so we figured we'd just find somewhere to go..like his parent's house..cuz we're the jet-set type, you know.

So after a fun night at his parent's house (really, it was), we pointed the car towards Myrtle Beach and got going....it was a pretty boring drive..lots of peach stands.

Our "Ponder This" car-question was:

How do we know that YOUR peaches are the best??...Is there a Zagat Survey for Trailer Trash fruit stands??

Yeah, that's how we entertain ourselves on road trips.

We kept seeing these obnoxious Welcome Centers so we decided to stop..oh lord why????
Well for ONE - they had free popcorn dammit! and for TWO..we didn't exactly have a hotel room for the night and they claimed to have discounts..we fuckin LOVE discounts.

One rep-girl-person claimed that all their hotels were booked so we turned our attention to the 50 foot "alligator" in this cheesy glass case...(yay for touristy shit!) then this other guy behind the counter starts feeding us this bullshit about a $10 a night room..{Insert blazing red flag here}
We had time to spare so we listened to his lil pitch..watch a 90 minute "preview" of our fabulous resort..blahh blah..get your money back for the room IN CASH...blah blah blah...right on the beach...bliggity blah.."city view" room (?)....

So we signed up, waited for him to "set up" our room on his girly white cell phone and drove another 45 minutes to the beach....

Myrtle Beach is like one big "parking lot" carnival...and everybody looks like a carnie..and not in a good way.

We pulled up to the hotel...and ONE HOUR LATER we got our room keys..pfft, bullshit.

For some reason I turned a blind eye and nose to:

The old, dark, dirty front lobby
The 6 million people crowded into it
That smell
The front desk person saying "You'll be in room 211"

because I was trying to be a good sport..and all romanticalish.

The nicest little bellhop dude helped us to our ~~crack den~~ room, (seems my husband the chatterbox had already found out his life story while I tried to check in).

I was pretty much traumatized from this point on so I'll summarize:

2 beds..twin beds..the smell of desperation and bad decisions..dirty windows..shitty bar area..brokenish elevator..filthy ass beach covered in trash and cigarette butts...OUR VIEW FROM THE ROOM:

If you look closely, you can see the faint outline of a crack pipe and (yay) panties..how nice!

Then if that wasn't enough, the nexy day, those timeshare fuckers tried to claim that since my husband didn't have his driver's license, they couldn't:

1. Show us their funky little stank ass timeshare condo

2. Refund our $80

Ummm...so after I flipped the fucking front desk over...they showed us the condo - there were TWO to choose from - Too Fucking Expensive and WAY Too Fucking Expensive..eeek!:

Look at this view, no crackpipes or panties!!

Oh! and those assholes gave us ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS back..mm hmm, that's what I thought.

Oh! and the name of this slum village?? West.gate ~~Projects~~ Resorts..ya think that lil dot will keep me from getting sued? Probaly not..fuck 'em.

Oh! and it rained like the days of Noah's Ark the entire way home...mmm, good times

Please Gouge His Eyes Out...

2009-07-04T14:26:00.007-04:00

Belly wants to "friend" me on Facebook......

*gag*...*dry heave*....*not so dry heave*

And the funniest part is his profile pic...fucking priceless...he is sitting at a desk showing ALL 437 OF HIS TEETH...I howled for 20 minutes over his ridiculous face..and those Man-Tittays need a D cup from Vickie's Secret IMMEEDJUTTLEE.

Do you think the FBI would take me seriously if I asked to be placed in the Witness Protection Program over this??

Hmm..I guess not.

OH!!..I forgot to tell you he had the nerve to come back into town the other week...I was wondering why the office floor was shaking....and here comes this pork sausage bounding down the aisle towards me with the Velveeta Super Cheese grin on his face.

I hope he didn't catch the panicked look on my face.

Thank God I was on my way out the door....but he still tried to stall by sidling up next to me and giving me his best Mack Daddy vibe voice - "So hey, how you been doooin?"

It took everything in me not to kick him in the nuts and take off running...but two of his brood were with him and those lil bitches looked tough.

From what the young kids tell me, if I ignore it, he won't know...but it leaves the door open for him to request me AGAIN...*sigh*
But then some other young kids say that if you just let it sit out there, the whole "Again" thing isn't possible..YAY

Sexy Cabinets and Haawt AC..Yeah Right

2009-07-02T11:57:00.026-04:00

Well I decided to post something here today..cuz I'm bored and I knew you were just DYING to find out what happened with the cabinets..oh, and the AC went out again...yeah, good times.

Before...

After...

Before...

After...

Before...

After...

Yeah, look at that fuckin mess..even after he "cleaned up" there were still little pieces of RAZOR sharp metal all over foyer's "wood" floor..yay!

Oh, and did I mention that during this 6 hour install - he took at least 30 breaks?

One of his smoke breaks was RIGHT after I smelled NATURAL GAS in the hallway {Insert me bracing my body for the explosion} ...as if I could actually survive because of such bracing.

Anyway..it took my landlady THREE FUCKING DAYS to get this fixed IN 90 FUCKING DEGREE WEATHER..which of course made it feel like 60000 degrees in our house..double yay!
She was "price shopping" for the furnace/ac unit during this time..while we melted...I'm not happy.

Sad part is that the new unit is as quiet as a god damned jet engine..how relaxing...but it's freezing in here now..super fuckin triple dog dare yay!

So all is well..for now...knock on wood.

Man Candy Of The Week - Jason Michael Carroll

2009-06-19T07:55:00.024-04:00

OMG...(what am I - 12 years old??)

Have ya seen this fine hunk of countryness before??

Well it seems that he's an upcoming country star..and he's yummy..please oggle him some more

I've oficially added him to the "White Guys That Could Get It" list..and that list is pretty damn long..apparently I'm a whore...but strangely not ashamed.

Here's what he sounds like..SO not what he looks like.

Let Me Go - Jason Michael Carroll

Is it weird that I wanna braid his hair and put barettes in it?...yeah, I guess it is.

Bob Vila Has Left The Building...

2009-06-06T09:41:00.026-04:00

*sigh*

What next?

The other night I came home to find this:

No, your eyes aren't deceiving you..There's my kitchen's below builder quality upper cabinets..falling down like a drunk teenager.

I'm pretty sure the only thing holding them there is that vent soffit and a little fairy dust.

So imagine me screaming and crying about "all my lovely glassware" while my husband just about shattered his spine holding up the cabinet while I unloaded it....then imagine the argument that ensued because I was "moving too damn slow"...ahem, anyway...

Now, they've always hung "kinda weird" since the first day. Here's a pic of how they looked when we moved in 2 years ago:

Yeah..crooked-ish but "sturdy feeling"..so I decided to go ahead and load 'em up with all of this:

Ya think that's why they almost fell down???

*batting eyelashes*

I've been up all night anticipating the sound of the cabinets crashing down..I need to take a pill of some sort..or maybe shock therapy will help.

You Need To Get You One Of Those Big Stomachs...

2009-05-29T13:13:00.009-04:00

I went to happy hour last night with some co-workers and let's just say - We don't have a lick of sense.

Somehow we got on the subject of Belly and his sister and how they seem to be quite successful in the "Love Bidness Arena".

For instance, Belly - He's about to get married AGAIN (!!??!!) to a thin woman that "loves him so"....
And his sister has been married TWICE and has a new boyfriend smelling her poonie(double !!??!!)....

Both of them are morbidly obese and have stomachs that could shelter several small children....yeah I know, there's somebody for everybody, hell..me and my man won't win any prizes for spectacular nudity but damn...they could be about 1000 pounds combined!

My poor chronically single co-worker wants to know where she's going wrong and I said: "Well, You need to get you one of those big stomachs..."

We suspect it's Belly's sister's tongue ring..mm hmm..(I bet she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch) I say this because her stomach rests securely on her knees thus covering the "good stuff"..
But for Belly..who knows..maybe he cooks a mean casserole or something.

I wondered aloud how they handle the logistics of such things....

One co-worker offered the following plausible explanation:

The artwork is fucking AMAZING isn't it?....applause applause...applause

This is what happens when the Long Island Ice Teas are flowing freely....

I'm going to go pray for forgiveness now because I laughed myself into a coma over this conversation..I'll most likely be struck down by lightning.

Sigh..I'm A Slacker

2009-05-07T11:18:00.005-04:00

I'm neglecting my blog...hell, I'm neglecting YOUR blog....

IMVU is taking up all my time..I actually had another "job" interview...Virtual ass shakers are in high demand I guess.

I've met some really cool people on there and I haven't laughed this hard since the 60's..and I wasn't even born yet.

In other news..I'm working myself to death in real life. My part time job is getting on my last 4 nerves..

Question:

How in the hell, as a grown ass man/woman, do you NOT know what the fuck shoe size you wear???? And this whole "can you feel my toe?" bullshit kills me..what are you?..Five years old???

*taking a deep breath*

I need a long vacation filled with warm breezes and frosty drinks...which, by the way, me and a few IMVU buddies are thinking of planning..it'll be so weird to see what the people hiding behind avatars REALLY look like...the same guy that claims that he looks like this:

Probably looks like this:

mmmmm..sexaaaayyyyy

P.S.

NOTICE TO PEOPLE WHO KNOW MY HUSBAND AND LIKE TO RUN TATTLING TO HIM ABOUT WHAT YOU READ HERE:

There will NOT be any guys on this little get together...unless I decide to pick one up in Vegas..now run tell that!

I Want A Baby..Just So It Can Wear Cute Clothes

2009-04-24T10:06:00.023-04:00

*Sigh...*

I was looking at this website called Minihipster.com..and my ovaries hurt.

It's a place that showcases stylish little kids in candid "street" photos..freaking hilarious.

One little girl had a Baby Dior dress on and since I'm nosy, I started to search the web for the prices of such things...needless to say, I can't afford ANY of it...EVER!!

But look at the yumminess of THESE beauties:

THEY COST $325 FUCKING DOLLARS!!! And they are for babies, who can't really walk...or even wipe their own asses.

Now I have an ASSLOAD of shoes..but I have NEVA EVA spent that kind of money on any piece of clothing...and I have the ability to whore myself for cash...what the fuck??

But then there's that part of me that says.."hmmm, but the baby needs them"...I will go ahead and stab that part of me now.

Internet, Como Se Huh?

2009-04-18T15:01:00.006-04:00

Cookie was called into an actual staff meeting last night...on the internet....a staff meeting for a VIRTUAL strip club..umm..wha?

This shit is starting to get a little too real..gah!

Apparently, we need to "step our game up" because someone called the management group slack asses and questioned our "training".

Oh, and it seems that we are too "chatty"..(it is, after all a CHAT room for fuck's sake)...No more inviting friends into the club unless they are paying for dances and drinks...umm, again..wha?

Then we had a long discussion about Customer Service and club marketing/promotion...boooo! I come here to goof off, shake my virtual ass and serve virtual drinks!!

I think Cookie needs to go on a virtual sabbatical again....

And wanna know the kicker??? The motherfuckin' Coup de Grâce??

They didn't even serve virtual coffee OR donuts...aww hell, this is JUST like my real job.

Adventures In IMVU Land - The Recession Edition

2009-04-09T01:45:00.035-04:00

Here are few more pics of Cookie..cuz I'm bored like that today. act like you don't see the spacing differences in between some of these pics..Blogger is really aggravating my OCD...

St. Patty's Day Debauchery:

Sadly, Cookie had to get a job...At Soft Touch - The Upscale Gentlemen’s Club..I’m a bartender..um sort of…and "fill in" stripper
HEY!!!, don’t judge me..we’re in a recession people! If I give you a dance (or a drink), you're supposed to "pay" me in credit..or buy me something from my wishlist and I've got my eye on a nice teak wood toilet for my virtual beach house...so come on by and let Cookie shake a lil sumpin' for you..

Also..apparently there IS sex in the champagne room...oh lawd, what have I gotten myself into?

Cookie as “Mei Ling”, The Asian Angel (One of my costumes at Soft Touch)

At Latte’s Poetry Café:

I'm in a band called "I Told You That Bitch Was Crazy"

Drowning my sorrows after work:

Hangin' out with my "virtual man" William..

I know I look nekkedish..it was hot dammit! And besides, we were at the beach...

And after the beach we rob virtual banks from time to time..it helps us bond.

I'm in a Cadillac gang..ha!

ANOTHER Cubicle Stalker

2009-04-03T12:37:00.014-04:00

I swear..just when you think it's safe to eat in your own fucking cubicle....

I got a new cube mate a few months..she came over from another dept. and already had a "rep" as an insufferable bitch.

Over my short life I have had AT LEAST 15 friends like this...seems that I attract that type.

So because of this, I decide to at least be nice to her...wrong move.

She clamped on to me like a leech and I can't scrape her off....I shall call her Carrot Top..yep, she's got red hair, she's southern and incredibly politically incorrect - She still calls Asian people "Them Orientals"...I can just imagine what she calls us Blacks..I really did try to help her one day:

Me: Um, Carrot Top, you shouldn't use the word Oriental - It's like you calling me colored or negro....

Carrot Top: Uhhh..whuuut you tawlkin bout guhl..Fiddly Dee, I declahhhare

Ok, she didn't say the last part but that's how she sounds..I swear.

So I've noticed that just like Belly, every time I eat, say or do anything, she stands up and makes a comment about it...

"MMMM, that looks good"

"Is that a carrot??..Wow"

"You're husband sure says nice things to you..."

WTF?

What is so damned interesting about me and my food choices for shit's sake?

And if that isn't enough, she has this way of acting like she's not looking at me...she'll stand up, and look like she's scanning the room..but out of the corner of my eye...I can see her eyeballin' me...and unfortunately, we have low cube walls..damn it!!!

OH Wait!!...I forgot!!

There I was, minding my own fucking business, trying to do my insulin shot with my Flexpen (more on that later), which involves me pulling out some of the fat from my gut and jabbing it..this weirdo hears the clicking sound it makes, stands up and says:

"Oh, I'm sorrrryy..Now you know you don't have ANY privacy as long as I'm here huuuun...I mean um, I'm just kidding..."

Kidding my ass, that bitch was serious.

Man-Candy Of The Week: Dhani Jones

2009-03-27T15:14:00.011-04:00

MMMMMM...chocolate...I wish it WOULD go straight to my thighs...OMG, I am such a whore....

Dhani has a new show on the Travel Channel called Dhani Tackles The Globe.

Me and The Husband watched it the other night and on the ouside, I feigned like he was no big deal but on the INSIDE...I was screaming his name from the hilltops while he made sweet, sweet love to me...is that considered "cheating on your husband"?.....probably.....anywhooo

Now, Dhani could use a good haircut but I can get over that...I guess

Picture: Erik Hartman, Courtesy of Red Line Films

I blocked out the other guys' faces because honestly, they don't matter.....

Oh laaaawd.. I think that's a Speedo!!!

VACATION PHOTOS!!!!

2009-03-17T19:51:00.044-04:00

NO..not real ones of me and the hubby, silly..You know we suck ass and never go anywhere...but My IMVU Avatar, Cookie does!!

Seems she ran into a little trouble..got caught up with the wrong crowd and whatnot...

Drinkin'

Stealin' cars

It all finally caught up with her......

Might as well "make a lil change up in huuur"

So after my online virtual boyfriend posted bail, I decided that maybe it was a good idea to take a little time off…yes, Cookie is a Jet Setter, baby.

And since I have virtual homes in Sydney and Venice…PRIVATE JETS AND CHAMPAGNE ALL THE WAY!!!

Riding various strange animals on various beaches..is that a damn donkey?

The views in the virtual South Pacific were sooooo beautiful

And of course I, I mean Cookie had to go on a cruise or two

But never to far away from the internet....

Men..always tryin to holla…tsk tsk

This is what happens when you drink brown liqour...this won't end well.

Somehow, I landed in a bucket of shit..or is this supposed to be a mud bath??

But then, as usual - I got back to my old ways....Drinking and hanging with Goth broads...

Yes, IMVU is fun, but I think I'm getting a little obsessed....LOL!!

Raindrops Keep Falling On My TV

2009-03-03T15:49:00.032-05:00

Now that stupid song is in my head...

Friday night, The Deep South had itself an ole fashioned rain/sleet/snow storm..YAY!! I was watching TV and kept hearing this damn noise..wtf is that??
My husband, of course said I was a loon because he didn't "hear no damn noise"...*sigh*, men.
So I investigated..cuz that's what I do...and I noticed this:

Yep, not good...
I figured (for some stupid reason) that the rain/sleet/snow storm couldn't possibly last that long..and as usual, I was wrong:

Oooh, check out that "high end" stereo system..from Best Buy....clearance center. I was a little concerned that my equally "high end" particle board and veneer TV hutch would get all gross but the water mostly just dripped down the wall.Then, over the next 3 days it just got worse and worserer:

And this is about the worsteded it got:

(I'm just sitting here thinking about all the people that really believe that I use words like worserer and worsteded in "real" life...HA!)
The first night, I called my landlady (who lives in Florida) and she proceeded to freak out and I promise you, she called at least 12 more times over the next two days..bless her heart..She's been on the phone with the condo association all weekend and I've been forced to send digital pictures of everbody and everything.

I almost DIDN'T tell her that the refrigerator had also lost it's shit and stopped refrigerating things and that our milk was all chunky..eww

After 3 millions phone calls between me and the landlady, I found a repairman.

Let yourself imagine for a moment - The dirtiest, smelliest man you have even seen, then add a 4 pack a day smoking habit, a case of beer and a wet lung cough..then let him into your house... and let him touch things.

He opened the freezer door and in 2 seconds, determined that the "defrost system was broken"..um, OK..then he had the nerve to say: "hack, hack, spittle, hack..$250 is the cost"....whoa!! WTF??

When I let him know that my landlady would be paying him over the phone with her credit card, he flipped out and started yelling into his radio in some strange language that sounded like Ukrainian and Spanish. Then the lady on the other end yelled back in the same language and he told me that he needed his money up front, right now..he must have been out of cigarettes and was starting to get the shakes.

I had been sick all weekend with some weird combination of Acid Reflux and the Flu and was just way too nauseous to put up with his shit so I tried to pay him his $8 service call fee with a $20 bill...he was mad some more when he had to find change....then he tried to give me $16 back for my $20..and if I wasn't such a sweet angel, I would have let it slide but I felt bad for his coughing ass so I showed him what the correct change looked like...I then sanitized the entire house and burned off all my skin with acid.

I spent all day today doing my best to defrost the freezer and throw away shit that I'm sure we haven't seen in over 6 months...you know how I feel about mold..but maybe you don't know how my husband likes to use this against me and refuses to throw gross things out for me...not even if I beg and especially not if I cry.

I literally almost died from holding my breath AND screaming my face off while scraping what seemed to be refried beans with blue hair into the trash..oh, good times.

Even though my husband directed me to throw "every damn thing" away, I kept some frozen stuff in a cooler that I found on the sun porch that had a strange,dead bug in it..instead of actually cleaning it, I covered the bottom in 400 trash bags because GAHHH it was looking at me and stuff...and Publix Sherbet is the best thing since sliced sex.

I guess what I did worked because it's cool in there again..not chilly like I like it but it will do for now.

Aint I a Handy Bitch??

IMVU - Now I'm COMPLETELY Out Of Control

2009-02-25T20:44:00.004-05:00

Ok, so now I've figured out how to make an avatar that looks a little more like the "real" me...oh lawd...The base avatar is called "Curvy Lolita"..well excuuuse me..

Yes I've made her pretty slutty too but fishnets are fun.

My avatar has had a really busy week so far, and since momma needs some new shoes, I got a job at the local fine dance academy:

Welcome to the main stage..Sista Big Bone!!!

Then I found a nice kitty to ride at the zoo:

But unfortunately, fell in with the wrong crowd

Yep, the devil made me do it...

Then I found Nemo:

Got my Jennifer Hudson on:

Found a nice Country bar..that had rides:

And had to spend the rest of the night dancing like this:

The next day I became a patron of the arts

And since I'm soooo popular, I was invited to a beach barbecue:

Where I proceeded to get so drunk that I did some really dumb shit:

And almost drowned..to death:

But then I was resuscitated..and was well enough to go to the club and flirt with boys..of course:

This poor child was 19..and he followed me around for an hour...bless his little heart.

IMVU - My Personal Private Shame

2009-02-23T08:46:00.022-05:00

Last week I stumbled upon this little website called IMVU.com.
It's what the kids these days called Second Life, a virtual world.
..and I'm fucking hooked..I am such a nerd.

Damn you, young people.

I set up my avatar one night at around 9:00 pm and before I knew it, it was 3:00 am..oops..I got caught up "buying" shoes, clothes and hair for her with my credits...It's like shopping with somebody else's money....which is ALWAYS great.

Here's my avatar:

Yes,I've become an absolute whore on the internet...and I obviously love the hot tub.

So the second night, in the Public 3D rooms, I found the "night clubs"...and then I lost complete control of myself..

But I found a way to earn my keep:

I'm sure can imagine just how tough it was to tend bar in a bathing suit and stiletto boots...I'm sure.

Oh, then I joined a one woman band:

Then on Sunday, I woke up, changed into a slightly less whorish outfit, cooked some grits and did a little housework in my virtual beach house condo:

And then, to repent for the night before, I went to virtual church:

But isn't amazing that even in church, a Pimp will try to holla?

After church, I went home to get some rest and what did I find?...a damn orgy:

Roommates...

*Sigh*..just like college all over again...

Man Candy - A Video

2009-02-21T20:10:00.007-05:00

If sex sells, I'm buying...on credit, of course.

It was all "Chocolaty Goodness" until Lil Wayne showed up in the video..yeck.

I'm thinking about getting that weave for the summer..without that "stripper blonde" business in the front though...did I type that out loud?? Oops.

Keri Hilson Feat Lil Wayne - Turnin Me On official music video

African Braid Shops, Jerky and Mean Old Ladies

2009-02-19T09:30:00.009-05:00

I went to the mall the other day to get my hair braided, because I enjoy the torture and because my hair looked like shit sprinkled with warm death..mmm sexy.

Discovery Channel should do a documentary on the African Braid Shop..complete foolishness.

You can rest assured that when you arrive for your appointment, one or all these things will be true:

1. If you are the first client in the morning, the shop will be fucking filthy..I swear, it never fails...so you will then be forced to wait another 30 minutes while they clean up.

2.When you ask one of the 3 million braiders in there where your braider is, an argument will break out among them..in a foreign language that sounds kinda like french...with lots of tooth sucking.

3. When your braider finally arrives, expect a 10 minute "discussion" about the price...you agreed to one price earlier but now it's something different..usually MORE money.

4. The braider will then try to tell you that "this style won't work for you with the hair you bought"..even though SHE just did the SAME style on you, using the SAME hair, last month.

5. Even though it is your "practice and tradition" to bring your own GOOD QUALITY hair, they will try to get you to buy the shitty, overpriced plastic doll hair that they have in their shop..and will go on and on about it..

6. Even though you came here to relax, read a book or watch tv while you get your hair done, your braider will make you hand her the hair, and as soon as you get the hang of the size she wants you to hand her, she will then change her mind, suck her teeth some more and make you hand her different sizes..damn damn damn! Why can't this heffa get an assistant or a stool or something??

7. They don't do ANY kind of haircuts or styling so if you want it to look like this:

YOU'LL HAVE TO STYLE IT YOUR DAMN SELF!! (No this is not me but we ALL pose in stripper dresses like this when we get our hair done)

And of course, by the end, your scalp will look and feel like it has stitches..ouch..

No, this is not my hair or forehead..but it's really close to what mine looks like..but mine looks better...ha.

So go ahead and pop a couple of 800 mg Motrin horse pills on the way home, otherwise there will be no sleep for you tonight.

And I continue to put up with this shit every couple of months because I am a slack ass that doesn't like to "do" hair...and it looks cute..and when it grows in a little, people think its your real hair...and that's all that counts.

Next Subject:

As I was leaving the mall parking lot, I noticed a store that had a big, pretty red sign that read:

BEEF JERKY

A whole store dedicated to dried meat...Belly would probably faint if he saw that.

Oh, to be a fly on the wall during this guy's "pitch" to his wife...

Husband: Honey!! I quit my job!!
Wife: Um, huh?
Husband: I wanna open a Beef Jerky store!! Trust me, it'll be GREAT!!

Yeah, I'm sure that ended with him being beaten about the head and chest..and a divorce.

Oh, and one last thing....

An old lady sharked me for a parking space yesterday.. Shouldn't she have a handicapped placard or something?? Oh!! and this broad had the nerve to give me a dirty look when I drove by....wtf?

Is it bad that I wanted to run her ass over as she hobbled her old self into the store?

I know, I'm mean...but my hair is cute.

Oh Love...

2009-02-14T09:54:00.005-05:00

I'm bored..I'm at work..It's Saturday...Oh, and it's Valentine's day..woo hoo?

I'm watching Open Season 2 on company equipment..I'm sooo bad...but this movie is fucking hilarious...Dumb Cat Roger almost made me pee myself - "Stanley!! It's Been AGESSSTHH...sad how children's movies are actually made for adults.

Belly's sister still works with us on Saturdays..yay? She mostly keeps to herself...we sit kinda far from her and I'm sure it's hard getting all that ass over here just to chat...thank god.
1 weird thing: this morning when I came in, she was already here and she was on her cell. As I walked by, I heard her saying what sounded to be "sweet nothings".."well, you know where I am..uh huh..*coy giggle*...well get some rest sweetie..*coy giggle*..mm hmm...yeah"...then once I got past her, she stopped me and said "Hi Linka, that was Belly, he says to tell you all what's up!!"..yay, great.

um..huh?

I have NEVER talked and giggled on the phone with MY brother like that...I guess some people just have a weird relationship traditions.

Anyway, I don't really want much for Valentine's day...well truthfully I want a whole lot of shit but it ain't gonna happen.
I asked TOH what he wanted and he said: "Some peace and quiet during the All Star Game and about 5 pounds of steamed crab legs"

I guess I could do that...for him...because I love him...I suppose.

Belly Makes A Video

2009-02-10T09:12:00.004-05:00

I just laughed my ass ALL the way off.

If Belly was a white guy in a leotard.... the look on his face at the :27 mark made me piss myself.

Cubby dances to Beyonce Single Ladies

In These Uncertain Times...Oh Shut Up Already

2009-01-30T11:26:00.003-05:00

Brace yourselves..I'm really into conspiracy theories...

I started a lovely argument at work today.

I simply stated that: IN MY OPINION, I feel that a lot of this "with the economy the way it is" and "in these uncertain times" bullshit is just that..bullshit.

I truly believe that the media is creating a fucking panic that is making everybody crazy.

People have been poor forever..why all of a sudden are they killing their whole families?..why are companies laying off huge numbers of employees?..does EVERYBODY really need a bailout?? What the hell??

I was then pelted with a barrage of statements to the effect of: "You wouldn't say that if it was affecting you..."

Uh..yeah, it has affected me.

1. There store where I ~~serve my time~~ work part time called to tell me that they probably won't be scheduling me more than 4 hours a month. Woo Hoo!
2. Yesterday, at my full time ~~torture chamber~~ job, I received what I'd like to call a "lower" instead of a raise. I got roughly HALF of what I got last year...yay!
3. Have you seen the price of 2 liter sodas these days for god's sake???

Believe me, I get it. Before I got my latest full time job, I was without steady work for almost 2 years and we had to apply for *GASP* State Assistance!! Yes, it sucked but we got through it.

But is all this happening because somebody simply said we were in a recession???

Every other minute, somebody on The Today Show is boo-hooing or making you nervous by telling you to horde food or posting "15 ways to make potted meat SPECTACULAR!!" recipes on their website....fucking ridiculous.

Just Calm Down. Everything will be ok. Stop killing your families.

That's What I Get For Being A Cheap Bitch...

2009-01-26T22:26:00.004-05:00

There I was thinking I was soooo smart by buying a $219.00 computer from Fry's "Outlet", Frys.com..(which as you can see is $20 fucking dollars cheaper right now..fuckers). I had gotten some horrible virus on my old (and I mean old) computer the week before and I was feeling rich.

I was all excited when I ordered it on Friday and even more excited when it showed up at my door on Monday..smiling, with a bottle of Apple Boone's Farm and a box of donuts (?)...anyway...I cracked open the packaging and commenced to getting it going...oooh, so pretty, so shiny, so VIRUS free..then I proceeded to drive to "My Bad" land during setup because I noticed that the keyboard wasn't working so I rebooted it...even though the instructions clearly stated that you should NOT shut it off during setup..ooops...whatever...

[insert 45 minutes of tech support help with a lovely guy named Srinivas in India here]

So for the rest of the afternoon it was "all guuud"..then it locked up while I was making some profile changes..no biggie, I'll just do a hard reset and keep on truckin'...

*cut to 7 days later*

The computer has locked up EIGHTEEN times since I opened the box...the hard drive makes a weird whizzing, burring, hissing, grinding sound then everything goes bat-shit crazy...Blue screens of death, hard disk errors and locusts...nice.

At one point I actually had to lean it at a weird angle and shake the shit out of it to get it work properly..yeah, I'm not kidding.

I've talked to HP tech support numerous times..wasting at least an hour of my time each day running bullshit tests to no avail..I told them that it was clearly a hard drive failure and they kept telling me "No way".

I tried to be patient since this is, after all, what I claim to do for a living (and I just hate when people call me at work and try to "run shit" during the call) but this morning I finally had enough and I demanded either they give me my money back or send me a replacement..right now..dammit.

Then they commenced to dicking me around for 4 days.

Then I threatened some sort of lawsuit or something, knowing full well that I didn't have money for that kind of shit.

Then they said they'd call me back. Um..what? Of course, they never did.

Then I called Fry's.com customer service and laid out the whole ordeal.

Then the lady put me on hold to check with her manager, came back, agreed that this was a load of shit and gave me an Return Authorization code and the assurance that I would get my money AND the return shipping cost refunded.

Fuck Yeah.

So after all is said and done, I'll only be out the $13.99 shipping I paid the first time around..a small price to pay..I guess.

Too bad I just got all into finding my former classmates and co-workers on Facebook...(it's blocked at the jackass asylum where I work..those bastards!)

I'll keep you posted on the search for my new computer..still under $400 though...because I'm still a cheap bitch..I'm sorry, it's what I do.

.

Man-Candy Of The Week: Haaz Sleiman

2009-01-24T17:48:00.006-05:00

So you know I have this obsession with those Dollar movie machine things...

Today I rented The Visitor starring Richard Jenkins..no, he's not the Man-Candy but this guy Haaz Sleiman is....

Mmmmm....Lebanese yumminess....Scars and accents are kinda hot huh?

Office Fridge Cleaning..For Dummies

2009-01-16T14:42:00.007-05:00

I swear...some people need to go straight to Hell.

I just came back from "saving" a freezer full of perfectly good frozen dinners from being chucked in the garbage.

In my office, a team from each department is chosen to clean out the 2 refrigerators we have in the break room and every week, like clockwork some incredibly dumb shit happens.

For instance, one week, I brought my lunch and some surprisingly healthy snacks with me in my cute little Company logo-ed insulated lunch bag.

I saw the little "we're about to clean some shit" email but I figured that since my shit was in a lunch tote, it would be safe...Wanna know what I got for figuring??
One of those bitches opened my lunch tote and threw away ALL OF MY SHIT then threw my lunch tote on top of the refrigerator...what.the.fuck?? So me and my diabetic ass had the shakes for the rest of the evening until I scrounged up enough change to buy some $6000 crackers from the vending machine.

Then I wrote a strongly fucking worded email to the management team (who can barely "manage" to pick their own asses) and they wrote back some lame shit about "the rule" blah fuckin' blah.
Yeah, yeah, I know that the standing rule is that "If is is not labeled with your name, it gets thrown away"..I get that but does the term "common fucking sense" ever enter into these peoples minds??

Oh!! AND THEN one day, I bought these little ice cream cups for my team..brand new, expiration date NOT EVEN CLOSE..and those cows threw my shit out..again!!

These idiots even throw away salad dressing and condiments stored in the door compartments...huh?

I truly believe that these people have no other outlet for their hatefulness so they come to work and take it out on us....I once watched as someone threw away an absolutely beautiful crystal bowl because it had some fruit salad in it FROM THE DAY BEFORE!!

I need a vacation...

Next week I plan on stashing a big ole bag of shit (actual feces, thanks) in the back of the fridge and put one of their names on it..yeah, that should do the trick.

Belly...The Sequel

2009-01-08T11:48:00.004-05:00

Oh. Shit.

It seems that since Belly has "left the building", his sister has picked up the Corny Torch...fuckin' great.

At least 3 times a day, she waddles over and tells me some dumb ass joke about yer mama..or something equally as stupid.

Oh!! I forgot! At least 5 times a day, she sends me email "forwards" with what she says are HEEELARIOUS "kids say the darndest things" type shit in them....for fucking example:

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.-- Camille, age 10

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?Both don't want any more kids.-- Lori, age 8

A little funny? Perhaps....annoying as shit? Definitely.

*sigh*

And then when she comes over here, I have to keep myself from staring at her enormous pannus..I know, it's mean..but you should see this fucking thing..it's amazing...I always catch my self wondering when was the last time she saw her cooter/pikachu....yeck.

Damn New Year..

2009-01-05T21:48:00.006-05:00

I guess it's time to make my resolution(s)..fashionably late, as usual.

hmm..let's see..

1. Be less of a fucking fat ass
2. Stop cursing so fucking much

That pretty much sums it up...

Of course I don't want to be too thin... all I want is a big ass and a flat stomach..I swear if I looked like Beyonce, I'd never "work" another day in my life..2 nights a week, I'd be swingin' on a pole and shaking the aforementioned big ass...my co-workers always give me dirty looks when I say such things but I bet being a part time stripper is FIFTY times better than sitting in a cubicle all week, ten hours a day and saying: Thanks for calling _____how may I help you??...make that FIVE HUNDRED CRISPY SINGLES...times better....

Because It's Christmas Dammit!!!!

2008-12-31T19:06:00.014-05:00

I swear, I'm going to get a fucking tattoo that says that...

Well the holidays were really busy..what else is new huh?

My brother the gigolo flew in to harass us and eat every morsel of food in sight..YAY!!

Since I didn't want a repeat of Vomitcon 2008, I mostly sat around and watched my family eat copious amounts of yummy looking food while I cleaned up after them..if I see one more fucking red plastic cup or dirty styrofoam plate, somebody is gonna die.

I managed to make a halfway decent Pineapple Upside Down cake..I think I was drunk because some of the pineapples near the middle are all wonky...

Christmas day, first we went to my cousin's house (She's actually my step-aunt but that sounds stupid) for the annual Christmas brunch..freakin' comedy I tell ya.

The theme this year was "Breakfast Burrito and Yogurt Parfait Bar"...what? she's an amateur event planner.

Then we went to a different cousin's house and ate more food..well, I mostly watched..but I did manage to eat lots of red velvet cake..oh and lemon cake..oh and some cookies..fat ass much?

Here's some pictures from Christmas Day:

Da Bar

Da other Bar

A shameful display of trees, wine and gifts

Me and the Hubby's cars in front of a house we could never afford..yes, we're pimps

Yet another picture in front of a completely different house that we don't own and can't afford.
The car in front is Grandad's..we're in a gang called "People with red cars and some have ridiculously big rims..but we look good when we pull in front of Church and/or the Club"..and sadly in the black community, that's really all that counts.

Yay Vomit!!!

2008-12-21T11:59:00.005-05:00

It was my birthday yesterday..the big 36..yay?

From what I hear from my mom, ever since I was born, I have always had some sort of horrible illness on or around my birthday.

And since I'm all for tradition and shit, I decided to start my vomiting on Wednesday...and I just can't stop.

We had a "Food Day" on Wednesday (I'm sure Belly smelled it from 500 miles away) and in the span of 2 hours I ate:

A bowl of oatmeal
A donut
4 huge handfuls of pecan buttery caramel corn (We call it "crack corn" cuz it's just that good)
1 ham and provolone sandwich with pesto on sourdough
1 bowl of broccoli cheese soup, xtra broccoli (the semi-home made version)
1 slice of lemon meringue pie with the meringue scraped off (yeck)
1/2 a bag of goldfish
3 sips of Sprite

By the time I got to the Sprite my stomach was boiling and rightfully so, I guess.

I was sitting in the "mandatory fun" department meeting whose theme was fishing..or some other crap..and my mouth started to water and my forehead was sweating..uh oh.

I excused myself but not before the nosy ass department secretary told me in her "joking" way to sit my ass down..I got past her without flipping her the finger and proceeded to vomit for the next hour..ew.

I somehow got back to my desk and laid my head on the nice cool fake walnut..almost as good as the bathroom floor at home...but not as clean.

I was starting to get all warm and freaked out so I called my co-worker "Sista Don't Play" on her cell phone in the meeting and she then freaked out and brought my equally freaked out manager with her..I felt like such an ass...all I could do was cry when they asked me what was wrong.

"Sista Don't Play" is such a good caretaker. She took me to an empty conference room and tried to make me lay on the table while she made a "bed" out of blankets and 3 ring binders but I thought I'd vomit if I laid down..I really wanted to lay on the floor but she's a germophobe and that just "wadun't happnin".
Then she iced my forehead and neck..god bless that woman.

After about an hour, I felt okay enough to go back to my desk but guess what we noticed...a Subconjunctival hemorrhage..otherwise known as a NASTY RED EYEBALL..great, just fucking great.

For some reason, my dumb ass stayed at work for the rest of the day....then I even went to work the NEXT day, cuz I'm dumb...but I had to wear sunglasses because everytime one of those childing bastards at work saw my eye, they ran around screaing like 4 yr olds..I was even asked by one of them to "not look in their direction for a while"..um, fuck off.
The rest of the idiots decided it would be funny to make comments about my "hollywood" glasses..um, you too can fuck off.

Thursday night, the vomiting started again..woo hoo.

Friday morning I couldn't take it anymore and went to the doctor...sigh, my doctor...she is such a jackass..she mostly chastised my food choices before AND after the first vomit event.."you ate oatmeal the next morning??? OMG!!!"...blah blah blah...
I threatened to yack on her pretty floor so she gave me a Ondansetron pill and told me to let it dissolve on my tongue..QUESTION: Why does a pill that is supposed to suppress nausea may you want to, well, vomit??

Then I gave all the blood and urine I could muster and they ran some tests...

Not Pregnant (whew)
Nothing Viral
Potassium is kinda low
Ketones in urine (uh, I was sick and couln't eat so then I couldn't exactly eat anything..due to the vomiting and all)

They made me stay for another hour while I got a nice IV bag of fluids..of course the nurse tried to kill me..oh the blood..it was like a damn crime scene but I was too weak to complain.

After all that, I'm feeling a little better..I guess...it didn't keep me from going to a party or two on Saturday of course...gotta keep the party goin'

Manwhore

2008-12-18T12:37:00.004-05:00

I think my brother is a gigolo.

He's a personal trainer...with big muscles...and long dreadlocks.

He also wears tight shirts...and his client base is 95% female.

Oh, and he always gets "perks" like plane tickets and cash..and free dinners...

Every time we are out in public women AND MEN gawk at him...an 280 year old lady was flirting with him in the grocery store the last time he was here. *yeckkk*

Would it be rude to ask him to send me a couple of dollars when he visits for the holidays??

Maybe so.

Story Virus..It Itches A Little

2008-12-15T19:50:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I was tagged by The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch who was tagged by Splotchy who was tagged by..oh I don't damn know..In italics is "the seed" and look what "blooms" in blue (Is it obvious that I used to work for a plant nursery??):

Here's what I would like to do. I want to create a story that branches out in a variety of different, unexpected ways. I don't know how realistic it is, but that's what I'm aiming for. Hopefully, at least one thread of the story can make a decent number of hops before it dies out.If you are one of the carriers of this story virus (i.e. you have been tagged and choose to contribute to it), you will have one responsibility, in addition to contributing your own piece of the story: you will have to tag at least one person that continues your story thread. So, say you tag five people. If four people decide to not participate, it's okay, as long as the fifth one does. And if all five participate, well that's five interesting threads the story spins off into.Not a requirement, but something your readers would appreciate: to help people trace your own particular thread of the narrative, it will be helpful if you include links to the chapters preceding yours.-

The story begins -The bus was more crowded than usual. It was bitterly cold outside, and I hadn't prepared for it. I noticed that a fair number of the riders were dressed curiously. As I glanced around, I stretched my feet and kicked up against a large, heavy cardboard box laying under the seat in front of me. (Splotchy)
I hunched down to see what it was, but as I did, the bus violently veered to left. I was thrown up against a heavyset Asian woman with blond hair. I pardoned myself, but she faced forward with no reply. Just then, a man wearing a jumpsuit of silver and gold stood up at the front of the bus. He was holding a megaphone and a box of graham crackers. He held the megaphone up to his face and began to speak... (Some Guy)
"Yukon Cornelius was the greatest prospector that ever lived!" Waving the box of graham crackers over his head, "And the silver and gold nuggets in this box were mined by him at the North Pole!" It was then I noticed the box under the seat was also filled with graham crackers. Not name-brand ones made by the tree-dwelling elves, but the generic kind that come in white boxes meagerly labeled in big black letters: GRAHAM CRACKERS. Probably made by a guy named Butch who masturbates at lunch and doesn't wash his hands."And I had a whole bunch more right here on this bus until one of you misfits stole it! Gimme back my silver and gold!"As I contemplated the man's sanity the bus stopped at a red light, throwing the woman next to me into a fit of rage. Before I knew what was happening she had tossed me out of her way onto the floor and was lunging for the kook with the microphone. Her wig flew across the aisle as she jumped on the man's back and sunk her toothless gums into his shoulder. The two of them went down like a pine tree headed for a Boy Scout lot.The driver, startled by the commotion, looked up into his overhead mirror, accidentally removing his foot from the brake, and the bus rolled into the busy intersection. (Gwen)
He jammed his foot on the brake as soon as he looked up and saw the traffic coming at his bus from all directions and although he escaped the horrors of causing a multi-car pile up he was only mildly relieved. The driver was far too pissed off with his rowdy passengers to even notice that he had narrowly missed plowing over a woman pushing a baby stroller filled with kittens across the street.It was just as well because had he noticed he might have been very disappointed. The bus driver really hated kittens, but he had bigger matters at hand. He parked the bus and stormed his way back to Yukon Corneilius and the wig-less Asian lady who were currently engaged in what could only be described as a combination of Sumo wrestling and the Foxtrot. (The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch)
And then all of a sudden, Bebe Neuwirth popped up with a video camera and demanded that Wigless Asian and Yukon Cornelius "get down like you did in rehearsal"...*GASP* and then it became sadly evident that this was one of those "Guerilla Porno's" and this was the famous PORN BUS...Oh my! Wigless Asian was toothless for a reason!
Bommm Chicka Wah Wah..
(Linka72)

Slack Ass Bitch Checking In..

2008-12-09T13:27:00.006-05:00

It has come to my attention that somebody has not posted since Nov 17th..hmm, who could it be??

Look, I've been umm..busy, yeah that's it..busy.

I've been spending my days (when I'm not working 16 jobs) renting movies from those dollar-a-day machines in the grocery store and Wal Mart..Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants TWO!!..I say that as if I saw Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants ONE...but they didn't have that in the machine at the time...oh and Hellboy 2??..hilarious but not $7.50 a ticket hilarious.

I also got caught up in the whole "decorating for the Holidays" racket and you should see my condo..it's ridiculous I tell ya...I found a 7.5 foot Saratoga Pine for 40 fucking dollars..I almost peed myself from the excitement..tempered by the fact that it doesn't have lights..and I spent two hours fluffing the damn thing but oh well.

But let me tell you..wait until the after Christmas sale at Garden Ridge..momma's got her eye on a 9 footer WITH LIGHTS and REALISTIC BRANCHES...eeeeeeeee!!!

My husband says that I have officially "Lost my shit"...but he said the tree looked nice nonetheless...next thing you know, I'll be wearing a damn Christmas sweater like this:

Or God FORBID..this one:

I have instructed my husband to have me shot at sundown if this happens.

He's Got A Ticket To Ride...

2008-11-17T11:19:00.006-05:00

And I don't care....

It seems that Belly has become quite ambitious since he got a promotion. He made a big production out of finally getting a girlfriend and now he's moving in with her...

HUNDREDS OF MILES AWAY!!!!!

Yaaaay thankyousomuchjaaysussourlordandsayvyuh!!!

So on his last day, I watched his big ass wanderin' around the office hugging on people (even though you tell they didn't want to), man giggling and I swear to God, he came up behind the lady across from me and kissed her on her neck while he hugged her FROM BEHIND..you should have seen her face..I nearly pissed myself laughing...and it didn't help that she, being the sweetest person in the world, said: "Ummm, Oh...how sweet of you".

I kept conveniently picking up phone calls so he couldn't molest me but he just kept hovering and pacing..I promise you, he hung around for like 15 minutes!! Then when he got tired of acting like he wasn't waiting for me to get off of the phone, he put his big ass belly up against my cube wall and blew out a hot breathed, high pitched: "Damn guuurl, I'm gonna miss youuuu"...while I was on the fucking phone with a fucking customer.

nice

I had to put my phone on Mute and force out a strained "Oh, me too"...lying is fun.

So the jackass has finally left the building..finally.

But of course you know with Belly, the story doesn't end there....

There I was, this past Sunday morning, cooking bacon..minding my own fucking business when my cell phone rings..who the fuck could it be??

Me: Hello?
Caller: Heeeeey Guurl!! I'm home!! I finally made it!!
Me: Umm...great!! Who's this?

Because at this point, I thought it was my FEMALE co-worker who I have named "Frugal as a Motherfucker But Throws Parties Like a Queen".

But to my chagrin, it was Belly...(he must have smelled the bacon from waaay up there...)

Belly: It's me, Belly..you've forgotten my voice so soon??
Me: Umm..hi
Belly: I was just calling to see if they have started playing musical chairs yet.
Me: Huh?
Belly: Did they move you yet?
(We're getting some new employees on our team and this will be our 6th "desk move" to date)
Me: No..not yet.
Belly: What are you doing right now?
Me: Cooking FOR MY HUSBAND..and watching football.
Belly: Is he a Cowboys fan?
Me:..Uh, I guess.
Belly: Well, I just wanted to let you know that I made it here ok..and all..and uh..My girlfriend says hi.
Girlfriend: Hiiiiiiiiii!!!
(Great, now two fucking weirdos know my number..that poor girl)
Me: Uh, hi...
Belly: Well I guess I'll let you guys get back to your day...[insert weird pause here]
Me: OK..bye...*CLICK*

WTF?? He is so..strange..he used to do the same thing when he was married. He liked to call me while she was sitting beside him and try to talk me to fucking death at weird hours of the day and night.

Note to Belly: We are so NOT cool like dat
Note to self: Get a new cell phone number

And for the comic relief portion of this post, I give you Belly and his Girlfriend

Cadillac Update

2008-11-12T11:15:00.002-05:00

Well, I kept the car....

The dealership fixed the turn signal/headlight issue and even gave me a new battery with a 3 yr warranty..but then they tried to play dumb about the steering noise issue..fuck 'em, I'm tired.

I'm still in love with my old car though...every time I see one on the road or at a light, I stare like a sad old sappy broad.

I'm pretty sure people are wondering what the fuck I'm staring at but oh well.

I think I'll get the windows tinted on the caddie..it'll look cooler then...and after all, looking cool is my main goal. Ha!

The Grand Prix GTP is STILL for damn sale...I swear, I'll take $1,000 for it at this point..no really, I will.

Here's what my old car WISHES it looked like *sigh* If I had more money, I'd probably make it happen..but I don't, so that's the end of that discussion I guess.

Obama...Wow

2008-11-05T10:44:00.012-05:00

As you can imagine, there are some "scorched grits" here in the South.

But I guess they'll just need to get over it.

I was trying to think of something "profound" to say but I'm still in shock and frankly, I'm a little scared.
Scared because I know that there are some crazy bastards in this world that will stop at NOTHING in order to get their point across so to speak.
This brings to mind the circus of bullshit called racism in the South that I've unfortunately been invited to on many occasions as a black person.
Once I was called a nigger by a 2 yr old in McDonald's while her parents watched and laughed..yeah, nice.

But imagine that happening on a daily basis....

I worked at The King Center for many years. People always asked me: "Isn't it just a wonderful place to work??"
At the time, I really couldn't give them an "honest" answer because I was so caught up in the obligatory office bullshit that everybody goes through at some point:

Betty won't clean up after her filthy ass self
Somebody left piss on the seat in the Ladies room..niiiice
Who keeps leaving a file labeled "J" in the "P" folder location??
One month we were so poor, we had to choose between cable, coffee or air conditioning

Blah blah blah

Oh!! and my favorite thing was the CEO dissed me by insisting that my desk be placed in the FUCKING FILE CABINET ROOM!!

Yeah, that was fun...

But what I failed to realize was that my desk had the most beautiful view of the crypt where Dr. King is buried and of the eternal flame.

And then I thought of all that he'd been through in order to get to where he got before he was murdered and all that had happened in the decades since...lead not only by Black people but by people of ALL RACES that gave their lives to get us here.

And then I cried like a big ole baby, right there in the file room

I wanted to cry like that again last night but my Husband was soooo fucking drunk and belligerent that it kinda ruined the moment for me..he, on the other hand, was having a wonderful time and repeatedly tried to get some "Obama Lovin" but I wasn't havin it..(we're SUCH lovebirds.)

I understand that people are pissed and disappointed saying that we've been duped by Obama and that we'll live to regret our vote but I'm a little more hopeful.
I know there are going to be quite a few things that he'll do that I won't agree with but hell, nobody's perfect.

Happy Halloween Bitches!!!

2008-10-31T13:45:00.002-04:00

I am SUCH a fucking Lady ....aint I?

I dressed up (as usual) for Halloween because I'm just fun like that.

Of course (again, as usual), nobody else did...because they suck.

I was a 60's Stewardess/Air Hostess/Secret Agent named Josie Starlight..I even bedazzled her machine guns...yeah,I go big, so can I go home?.

Maybe if I can blur my face and fat ass out enough, I'll post pictures tomorrow.

Now go eat some candy.

Just Bought A Cadillac..Again..Oh Look! A Lemon!

2008-10-23T10:03:00.007-04:00

Well, I finally killed my old car..(poor thing was smoking and everything) and since I had already been turned down by my credit union THREE times, I didn't really expect that they'd give in this time BUT THEY DID!! Woo damn Hoo

Normally, I get screwed royally at dealerships because I make the mistake of financing with them...bad credit is soooo not cute.

It feels so good to walk into the dealership and slap a check on the desk, sure is a different experience.

I've been looking at Supercharged Grand Prixs like my old one but the new body style looks like a rental if you ask me..but you didn't.

With my measly budget of $8000, there were only a few cars worth looking at..so a Porsche Cayenne was completely out of the question..(for now)...but I found a Cadillac STS that was pretty sexy:

MMMMM..V8 Sexiness and it was a 2001 with only 70,000 miles on it..and they only wanted $7000 for it..what a deal!! I was originally looking for a Maxima or some other sporty tuner car but I realized that I'm getting older and that maybe I should choose something a little more "grown up" and again..I'm not rich.

I slapped the check from my credit union on the desk, signed 6 million documents and drove it home like I stole it.

But as usual in my shitty life..something went wrong.

I bought the car on Wednesday afternoon, Wednesday night I realized that if you drive at night and have the nerve to put on the left OR right turn signal - THE HEADLIGHTS TURN COMPLETELY OFF!!..niiiice, and safe too huh? Thank God for fog lights.

So Thursday morning, I call the dealership and let them know that sumpin' aint right. They offer to fix it and give me the number of the shop they use..yay?
After working through a "language barrier" with the guy at the shop, we set up a time for me to drop the car off the next day.

Here we are at Friday morning..4 AM..because insomnia is my friend. I went outside to check the trouble codes on the digital dash which involves pressing numerous buttons near the steering wheel, doing the hokey pokey (but only turning yourself halfway around) and then chanting something in Swahili.
I promise you, at least 50 codes came up but they were in the "history" area and not "current" which is a relief, I guess.

And then more shittiness.....

I tried to turn the car back on but it just made this clicking noise...what the ?...tried it again..tried to turn the radio on..nothing...you mother...fucker!!

I unfortunately had to wait until the dealership opened at 9 AM to call and scream at them. Thankfully, the guy who picked up the phone was very nice and apologized for the trouble. He even offered to have the car picked up ASAP and that they would bring me a LOANER!! oh mahjeeesuscakes...and since I was so not used to being treated well, at first I was speechless...yeah, me, speechless.

My original salesman and some dude showed up a couple of hours later, jumped it and drove off assuring me that "everything would be fine"...yeah, we'll see.

They left me with a Hyundai..it's kinda cute and it's a V6...I like having the ability to peel my tires when the light turns green...and that's all that counts in the end.

Talkin' Politics and Gang Signs

2008-10-11T09:31:00.010-04:00

Our management has put out a "gag order" of sorts on Political Talk in the cube farm...yay

It seems that someone was offended by a (from what I hear freakin' heeelarious) group conversation that happened on Monday about John McCain's appearance.

Namely, his arms and how they don't match his body.

One co-worker said:

"Is it just me, or are his arms a little long for his body??"

(I guess his arms ARE long enough to box with god huh?? Oh, I slay me!!)

Well when this lady (The one who doesn't wash her hands after peeing) heard the jokes getting started she stands up all red faced and shaking and hollers:

"He was a P.O.W. for criminees sake!!! He bravely served his country..blah blah blah"

I heard that a hush fell over the crowd and then somebody changed the subject.

Later on, one of the managers called a "stand-up" meeting to basically say that we need to be mindful that "our words may hurt"...blah blah fucking blah

I guess No Woman, No Wash ran and told on everybody...heffa

So since we're complete jackasses, we've decided to come up with a "secret society" or gang, if you will, way to talk about politics without anybody suspecting it....

We have come up with our own gang signs: Yeah, we know they are not sign languagely correct)

The View Fox News (?)

CNN

Sarah Palin - 'cuz she's a "hang loose" type of broad

..And a beer drinker

Barack Obama

McCain (modified from below because it hurt our fingers)

If management is "on the floor" then we double up the M's to signal for Management Mafia

Then we double up the following if we see the all clear when they leave for the day as if to say: "Mafia Up...and OUT"

And my personal favorite....

Is it obvious that the majority of us are RAGING alcoholics??

Got Gas?? We Don't...

2008-10-01T16:58:00.003-04:00

Bob Andres

We seem to have a little gas shortage here in the South....it's been going on for about 20 days.

Yay

Last Thursday, after getting into an argument with the Husband over, well.. gas, I tried to find a station that actually had gas.

It was almost MIDNIGHT and they were off the fucking chain busy.

Yay

I was able to fill up the "new" caddie (my car has finally decided to give up the fight..more on THAT bastard later) with regular gas because THANK GOD it takes regular gas and not premium like the stolen one did.

By Saturday somebody who shall remain nameless, had gone out with his buddy and racked up 85 miles on the tripometer..knowing full well that we had a party to go to that was, I swear, AN HOUR away..nice.

Sunday rolls around and now we're a little under half a tank..I'm panicking now..the caddie only gets 16 miles to the gallon.. so I start calling gas stations..no one is answering the phone..fuckers..I heard through an message board that a Quiktrip not too far away had gas..woo fuckin' hoo!!!

On the way, I drove by SIX stations that were bone dry...and church was about to let out...It's sad but true but I prayed that the Lord would keep them in church just a little longer so that I could get to the Quiktrip before they did..yes, I'm a heathen that is going STRAIGHT to hell.

When I got there, there was a line about 10 cars long..shit!!! But it was better than the line we saw the night before which was about FIFTY cars long.

I have to say that it was almost pleasant. The employees were very organized with orange cones and such and I only had to wait about 30 minutes..not bad since my co-worker had to wait for two hours and was only able to get $20 worth!!

WTF IS GOING ON??

Stupid Shit We Talk About At 5 A.M.

2008-09-25T09:10:00.003-04:00

Last night the Hubby fell asleep watching TV in the guest room that has somehow turned into the den.
After SEVERAL attempts to wake him up, I decided to leave his snoring ass in there..but I woke up in a panic at 5 AM looking for him.

I went in there all groggy and pissed and woke him up and here's how the conversation went:

Me: Wake up and go to bed
Him: mhnfmndkls*
Me: wha??
Him: I was having a dream that I was dance-battlin' that girl from Save The Last Dance
Me: Oh yeah?...how did it go?
Him: Well, I "served" her ass, OF COURSE!
Me: yeah, OF COURSE!!
Him: Then Chris Brown showed up
Me: Why?
Him: I guess he wanted a piece of me too, so I gave him the business like I did ole' girl.
Me: Yes baby, because you are the "King Of The Dance Battle"
Him: You are soo right.

So Damn Sensitive

2008-09-20T17:06:00.002-04:00

So my co-worker, I call him Little Drama Boy (more on that later), came back from lunch today PISSED AS ALL HELL because the cashier at the grocery store said something he felt that was "wildly inappropriate".

He paid for his lunch with a bunch of singles and the lady said:
"Ha, I know where you've been..hee hee"
So he gets all crazy and says "Uh NO YOU DON'T!!"
So she says "Oh well maybe you earned them..ha ha"
To make it worse, the lady behind him laughed too...

He says that he snatched his change and bag and stomped out of the store in a huff....

WTF??

It seems that he's a VERY religious person that "doesn't joke like that".

I swear, I thought he was joking so I laughed throughout the whole story..now he's mad at me and I'm getting a "look" from him..jeeesusss chriiist!!

oops..did I just take the Lord's name in vain??

The Bitch Is Back

2008-09-19T05:44:00.003-04:00

Could somebody please eesplain to me why the hell I am up at 5:44 AM typing shit???

I guess I miss the innurnets.....

Oh, speaking of that, it looks like the governor called at the last minute and I've been granted a reprieve.
Remember my supervisor Jackass? Well it seems that they've changed their minds about my "permanent record" and have decided to NOT add the "internet issue" to it.

Yay?

I guess that was their newest little scare tactic to get us to do our work..but I was ALREADY doing my work..and her work..and his work..and THEIR work!!!

Whatever, stupid.

Hmm, what else has been going on...Oh!! My piece O shit car is just about dead....seems that all those years of saying "Oil change?? We don't need no steenkin' oil change!" have finally caught up with me. I guess engine cylinders don't like to rub up against other engine parts all raw dog..oops, my bad.

I might be able to sell it for $1,200 if I'm lucky..I paid $14,000 for it..ouch..but of course that was eight years ago and it's an American car so I guess the math works out after all.

Call me crazy, but I really want to buy another one..just like it..maybe newer..yes, I like to be punished..but the car looks so damn sexy..when it has a nice paint job..and clean wheels, and a lubricated engine and all.
But where the hell am I going to find $5,000 for a "new" one?? I dunno.

Maybe I'll start a Paypal fund and beg on the internet..works for some people. Yay Karyn!!

Frazzled

2008-09-08T20:15:00.002-04:00

It has come to my attention that I haven't blogged in 227 years.

Over Labor Day, I went to visit my in-laws then this weekend, we invited my Brother-in-law and his family to our house and they have a BABY...and in between all that, I worked TWO jobs...I'm tired damn it.

I feel like all I did this weekend was cook and wipe things off.

I'm going to sleep now...maybe I'll return later.

Maybe.

Olympics Whore

2008-08-26T07:30:00.001-04:00

Just because you can run or swim REALLY fucking fast, doesn't mean that you've got to be doping...(OK, let's just try to forget Marion Jones..AHEM!) and can't an athlete just be gifted??

Usain Bolt is my new Jamaican boyfriend and Michael Phelps is on my list of "white guys that could get it (not to be confused with my list of "any guy walking that could get it list)...even with his underbite, minuscule ass and ALL...

Tall men are yummy aren't they? I imagine myself climbing to the top of one of them and just sittin' for a spell while enjoying a nice glass of iced tea.

(of course my husband is not aware of these things...and come to think of it, neither are Usain and Michael but now we're getting caught up in the details, dammit)

However, in this house, it is our opinion that Usain "Lightning" Bolt has a rocket implanted in his ass....and Michael Phelps is 1/4 dolphin on his father's side...what? We've done research..it's true..or maybe that was just the Vodka talking.

Blocked By A Jackass

2008-08-22T20:50:00.004-04:00

*sigh*

Sometimes I really hate working here....

I've been hesitant to blog this week because it seems that I've become a threat to the success of my company BECAUSE I USE THE INTERNET...urrgh...

I work for a really stuffy, uptight company that would rather die than let their employees who work TEN hours a day or more, blow off a little steam by looking at the Internet which may, god forbid, show certain aspects of the outside world..like fat women in bathing suits or used cars.

Last month, my supervisor called me into the conference room to discuss the number of "blocked" websites that I have attempted to access over the past month. From this point on, this person will be called Jackass - to protect the Jackasses involved.

Actually what Jackass did was embarrass the fuck out of me by first calling me on my desk phone saying some shit about "hey, can I come by and talk to you for a sec?"...like it was gonna be all casual or like the time Jackass bought some cards from me..then Jackass comes over to my desk and stands there..with these papers in their hand and says "can we talk in the conference room? ALL LOUD AND SHIT SO EVERYBODY HEARD HIM.. and I'm all "uh, OK" and then Jackass waited there while I had to log out of my phone and try to pull my shit together while EVERYBODY watched..so unprofessional. (now everybody teases me about that shit)

So once we get in there, he pulls out this little report that shows all the web sites that I went to lately that just happened to be blocked.
Once you hit a "certain number" of these, you get an ugly little email from Corporate that says in so many words, "bitch, we see you..pump your brakes".
Then, if you hit a few more, you get another email THEN they contact your supervisor..uh oh.

We discussed the report and even he admitted that the sites looked harmless but that he had to document that he actually talked to me blah blah...sign here...blah blah...we'll talk again next month..blah blah.

*Cut to the "next month":

Jackass pulls the call me, come to my desk, ask me into a conference room and embarrass me routine AGAIN but this time Jackass says that Jackass spoke to "someone" and they felt that this was a really serious situation that warranted documentation be put into my permanent file...Then Jackass shows me this piece of shit letter that stated in part that my actions caused my fellow co-workers to have to work harder due the shift in workload....

WHAT THE FUCK??

Let me get this straight Mr. Supervisor...

1. I never actually got to the sites
2. The sites weren't porn, most were music related and one of them was a GOSPEL music site
3. EVERY MONTH you blow smoke up my ass telling me how proud you are of me because out of over 100 people in the dept, I answer and resolve the most calls which is so special given the fact that I work a 4 day work week that includes a fucking Saturday..blah fuckin' blah.
4. Strangely, EBAY and GOLF.com aren't blocked though.
5. You are part of a group of assholes that is worse than a bunch of high school girls - Management Team, my ass.

This shit will stay in my file for the next three years...which will possibly fuck up any chance for a promotion and my yearly raise won't buy a loaf of bread.
I brought up those concerns and Jackass basically "poo pooed" me and told me that it "shouldn't matter because lots of people have things in their file that don't hinder them"..yeah right.

I swear...

Now I'm forced to send my supervisor an email every time I get one of those "blocked site" screens I suspect so the Jackass team can have a paper trail to fuck me with later.

The shit part is that they block new sites every day, so a site that you've been going to forever could fuck you with no warning.

My next two stops:

Human Resources and the Iphone Store.