Thursday, June 24, 2010

Yeah..Bored..And Sick

After nursing my oh so sick husband back to health..I then got a matching Upper Resiratory Infection because after all, phlegm is sexy.

I've been trapped in my house for a week ( damn dramatic).

I've decided to finish this post from my iPhone...let's see if the world ends.

Being in the house this many days has brought me to the realization that I can't take my parents living in my house another god damned minute.

There, I said it.

It sounds mean..but it's true. I'm really getting tired of the excuses as to why they can't move back into their own house (that they pay a motrgage on every month while they shack at other people's houses).
Now, some of the excuses are valid - for instance, someone stole their AC unit...but they bought another they need $350 in order to get it installed and another $400 for a security cage...sigh

But some of the things my stepdad comes up with...grr
one of his personal bests: "we can't leave until we get a new garage door"

yeah...I'll let that lil nugget marinate.....

Is he fucking serious? I had to walk out of the room before I strangled him. And I know this sounds biased, but if it was just my Mom, I'd have no problem with a "house guest" she works nights and we rarely see her.
It's her husband...belching, farting, over-acting, woe is me ass.
He spends all his free time sitting on the bed festering and barking orders at my mom. He's started to take all of his meals in the guest should see the fucking carpet....oh. I forgot yo mention the permanent ass dip impression the mattress has developed thanks to him. My husband says that he'll never be able to lay on that bed again and that if we could just get them out, we'd have one hell of a bonfire.

Gawd..part of me feels like an asshole for wanting them out but the other part is really pissed...they were only supposed to be here for a week LAST THANKSGIVING and they haven't left since...
My co-worker says that they would do the same for me if I needed help...umm they did..and after a couple of months, I GOT OFF MY ASS and found my own apartment!

I've tried to help them come up with an exit strategy but naaawww..I'm hit with a wall of bullshit.

It sucks having to "parent" your parents.

Thursday, June 03, 2010

How I Took A Solo Trip...And Did Not Come Back In A Coffin

I HAD to get the fuck out of my house before I ended up on that show "Snapped" - so I decided to go to the beach!

I wanted to go long before now but because of "certain people" in my house, my money was jacked up..for like 10 years....

I picked Ft. Lauderdale because frankly, the flight was cheap.
My co-worker "Sista Don't Play Dat" was able to get me a round trip buddy pass for $98 (WOO!).
I'd had my bags packed 2 weeks early...cuz I obviously needed to get away.

Speaking of flights, since I was on stand-by, I got a LOVELY seating choice (read: SHITTY). Did they really expect my half asleep ass to take on this kind of responsibility??

Notice how it says the door weighs 44 pounds?...yeah, I can barely lift my iPhone off the table on a good day.There was a girl sitting next to me that obviously needed a sedative. She actually grabbed me 2 or three times when there was turbulence..and those who know me KNOW that I don't like to be touched...oh, and this: she was dry heaving at one point......I DON'T "DO" VOMIT!!
Her nervous ass along with the screaming, whining toddlers across the aisle made for the Flight From Hell 2010...sigh, good times.

Please enjoy this lovely photo of my hooves...

Beaches are puuurdy....

Why yes, I did indeed bring alcoholic beverages to the beach..cuz I CAN!!

I spent a pretty good day at the beach overall. I did however notice that people were staring at me a little. At first I thought it was because I was such a fat ass but then I realized that you don't see very many black women sun tanning..yeah, that.

I spent an ok night in the room (The Hyatt Summerfield Suites ROCKS!! It was new, it was clean, it was crackhead free) and woke up to lug my lazy ass to the "complimentary" breakfast buffet...

I put quotes on complimentary because at $100 a fucking night, it SHOULD be free.

I went out to the Hard Rock Casino (aka "Smoker's Paradise"). It was fun..I guess..I won $2.

There's "bar scene" on the casino property. I noticed that you had to be carded by security to enter that area so I got my ID out because I look young (SHUT UP, I DO) ...and they didn't check it...fuckers.

I then contemplated doing some REALLY dumb shit to recapture my lost youth:

But a girl got on and the bull's head fell, no thanks. An old seasoned broad such as myself knew this was a bad omen.

I decided to walk around the casino a little more and happened upon this Wall-O-Meat in front of a steakhouse..weird.

Over the next couple of days I visited a few more beaches some were nice..some were gross and overcrowded - like this one in Miami.

Ok, offended people from Miami, you KNOW I'm right.

I then drove around South Beach for a fucking hour trying to find a parking space, yeah a near impossible feat because of people like this broad:

She had a jewelry store in the back of her SUV..times are hard huh?

I got out and walked around...You wanna feel like an old bag? Try walking 2 blocks down Ocean Drive...Oh and everybody there thinks that there are on The Jersey Shore *gag*.

I put about 250 miles on my sexy 2010 Chrysler 300 RENTAL. (stock photo below..cuz I was obviously too drunk to take a pic of the real one)

I spent a large amount of those miles driving around in circles, screaming at my iPhone because GoogleMaps is a filthy, lying whore....

I got a pretty good deal on it though (yay Last Minute Internet Specials!!) but they wouldn't give me the same rate for an extra day..assholes..and their daily rate was higher than a giraffe's ass so I had to call another place...a "no frills" place..oh hell.

For $15 a day, I got the keys to THIS fine tuned racing machine.....

You are BURRRRNINNNG with envy right now aren't you? Pardon? That's crabs you say? Oh.

Moving on....

The Hyatt Summerfield has a "happy hour" on weekdays with more "free" food and they actually serve REAL wine and beer...oh sweet Jesus thank you.

I treated it like it was my dinner and had seconds..because I'm just ghetto like that.

Speaking of ghetto, please check out my spy photo from the first row of FIRST CLASS...(notice my obnoxious, curly weave at the bottom right)

Yes, on the way home I was able to get a first class seat ON A STANDBY TICKET BITCHES!!! (that was my actual Facebook status update..sigh, no home training)

It took everything in me not to run down the aisles in coach telling the other passengers to kiss my black ass...but I refrained..barely.

Are you aware that they serve your beverages in actual GLASSES in first class?? and - EEEE! *clutch the pearls* - they DON'T throw your snacks at you!! They serve them to you in a beautiful basketttttt!!
Oh and to get you even more moist...when it's time to pick up your snack trash, instead of snatching it and throwing in an overflowing, nasty trash bag, they have a sexy lil tray that you can put it on...lawwwd, hold my mule while I shout!

Can you tell I haven't been anywhere in a while??

Maybe it's just me, but I felt like the other passengers in first class were looking at me like "who's this skank?..she smells like welfare and bad choices"....but I just put on my HUGE fake Chanel sunglasses and looked down my nose at them..fuckers.

I wanted to take a picture of the beach from the airplane...but even though I was in first class, the stewardess looked like she could cut a bitch so this is one I took of the everglades once old girl said it was ok to turn on devices.

sigh..I wanna go back.....