Friday, March 26, 2010

Toilets and Tampons..You're Shitting Me..RIGHT?


Anyway, today I'm talking to a co-worker about how nice my new gym is except for the fact that there are signs everywhere in the locker room that state:


So I say to her: "What JACKASS would flush a tampon down a asinine can you get?"......well um, it seems that she is that very, my

She told me that her entire life since puberty, she's flushed tampons down the toilet and she frankly thought people who didn't were gross.

This launched a large discussion/debate between all 30 women (and sadly, some very embarrassed men) in the vicinity.

My WHOLE life (god, we're dramatic) it has been an unwritten rule to NEVER flush tampons...then when I was living with my aunt in my 20's, I saw firsthand cousin had been doing this and one day, it LITERALLY blew up in her face..yep, toilet backed up and overflowed..flooded the bathroom and most of the hallway..not sexy.

The plumber found like 20 of them in the drain pipe..*GAG*

So I take it upon myself to poll the crowd..looks like a mostly "NO, don't flush" crowd...but the ones that DO??...good gawd, they're bat-shit crazy.

One lady and I debated (yes, it was a slow work day) about throwing away pads but flushing tampons...I personally think that if you can wrap a sopping ass pad up and trash it, you can do the same with a tampon...she didn't agree..I wanted to yell: "It's THE SAME FUCKING THING!!!"..but of course I didn't, cuz I'm a lady...ok, stop laughing.

Now, here's the question of the week (don't worry, there are no other questions or weeks..whatev.)


Wednesday, March 10, 2010

You Vapid, Irrelevant, Simple, Probably Drunk From Last Night COW

Remember my heelarious baby commercial post..(the actual commercial is here)?

Well, it seems that Lindsey Lohan is a lil upset about it "depicting her" and she's suing for $100 Million..oh BOO HOO Heffa!!!

She thinks that it was modeled after her and improperly invoked her “likeness, name, characterization, and personality...if I could invent new curse words to fling at you, I would.

Now I'll admit that when I first saw it - I pictured in my mind a baby girl at a playdate..laying across the couch drunk offa milk with empty baby bottles strewn mind is a little imbalanced though.

Look Lindsay..I understand that you came from a fucked up family..most of us did..but don't go getting mad at us for makin light of choices that YOU made..

In the words of my Grandma....

"Get your ass somewhere and sit the fuck down!!"

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Sometimes They Let Me Out Of The Asylum For Day Trips

Yesterday my friend who I call "Rest My Nerves" went to a live taping of the Mo'Nique Show.

I call her that because every time I turn around she is saying the phrase "I just wanna get somewhere and rest my damn nerves"..she has a very low tolerance for bullshit and it makes me laugh.

Anyhoooo - We were somehow able to score two free tix to the taping of the show. At first I was like:'ll be fun I guess...

But by the time we pulled into the parking lot..I was kinda hyped and by the time she came out on stage..I was losing my fucking mind..gah, I embarrass myself sometimes.

Ok so first thing that happens after you contact the show, they call you back and give you some info then they send you an email with a final confirmation, directions and a parking pass..Before the email, we expected that this super exclusive parking pass to be something special but when the email came...yeah..not so much...

Yep..we had to print it out our damn selves...on our company's printer of Ritzy.

That's RMN in the parking deck where the security guard barely glanced at our beautiful artwork.

We had to wait in a "holding pen" in the freezing ass parking deck for a little while in order to sigh a release form and get a wristband..a special wristband thankyouverymuch

ok so it looks like we went clubbin..whatev.

As we were standing in the holding pen..I noticed some of the women walking up..*sigh* people embarrass me sometimes. I mean these broads were dressed like it was Amateur Night at Porky's Strip Palace.

Now, I KNOW my fat ass was pushin' it with my 3 inch heel ankle boots but these heffas??

I guesstimate that the lady in front of me was right around 400 pounds and had on 6 inch knockoff Louboutins which probably would have been fine if we didn't have to walk 637 miles to the actual studio.


Yeah, not fun for the bigguns in high heels

Once you get to the studio you are searched for weapons, cell phones, cameras and such. I was kinda pissed that I had to leave my camera in the car..Not because I wanted to capture any precious lifetime memories - I really just wanted to show you the bad outfit choices people make here in the South..I'm a giver like dat

Ok..TV studios are about as toasty the frozen tundra. They should hang a sign up that reads: HARD NIPPLE ALERT AHEAD
We weren't early enough to get seats on the floor in front of the stage but they seated us in the "bleachers" on the second row..yay us

The audience warm up guys Gerard Guillory and Tone X were GREAT. They actually have to tell you WHAT to do and WHEN to do it on top of acting like complete jackasses..tough job..where do I sign up??

Bad thing is though..they get you so fucking worked up that by the time the show starts, you are sweaty and ready for a nap

Since I couldn't take a picture of Mo'Nique, I made my IMVU avatar dress up just like her..remember, I'm a giver..or a dumb ass..whatever

I must say that she looked GOE JUSSS!! Her shoes made me moist..sorry, but they did.
She's lost a lot of weight but she's still "Mo'Nique"..and yes, she really is loud as all hell in person but it was fun.

I caught myself crying like an ass-hat when I saw her..smh..I hope they didn't catch that on camera...those cameramen are a little "aggressive" if you ask me..but you didn't.

She did an interview once where she said that no matter what weight she was - she always felt pretty and that her family raised her to feel good about herself..I love that.

The guests were Angie and Jesse (Debi Morgan and Darnell Williams) from All My Children..*sigh* them
Tevin Campbell was also there..*sigh*..still love him too. Weird thing - he was nervous when he walked on stage. I guess I figured that someone who's been in the business as long as he has would be cool with that..guess not.

I wanted to stay and hump on her leg but it seemed kinda strange to just hang out like a stalker...but I seriously plan on making that my weekly outing on my days off

Kinda like a stalker huh?