Friday, January 30, 2009

In These Uncertain Times...Oh Shut Up Already

Brace yourselves..I'm really into conspiracy theories...

I started a lovely argument at work today.

I simply stated that: IN MY OPINION, I feel that a lot of this "with the economy the way it is" and "in these uncertain times" bullshit is just that..bullshit.

I truly believe that the media is creating a fucking panic that is making everybody crazy.

People have been poor forever..why all of a sudden are they killing their whole families?..why are companies laying off huge numbers of employees?..does EVERYBODY really need a bailout?? What the hell??

I was then pelted with a barrage of statements to the effect of: "You wouldn't say that if it was affecting you..."

Uh..yeah, it has affected me.

1. There store where I serve my time work part time called to tell me that they probably won't be scheduling me more than 4 hours a month. Woo Hoo!
2. Yesterday, at my full time torture chamber job, I received what I'd like to call a "lower" instead of a raise. I got roughly HALF of what I got last year...yay!
3. Have you seen the price of 2 liter sodas these days for god's sake???

Believe me, I get it. Before I got my latest full time job, I was without steady work for almost 2 years and we had to apply for *GASP* State Assistance!! Yes, it sucked but we got through it.

But is all this happening because somebody simply said we were in a recession???

Every other minute, somebody on The Today Show is boo-hooing or making you nervous by telling you to horde food or posting "15 ways to make potted meat SPECTACULAR!!" recipes on their website....fucking ridiculous.

Just Calm Down. Everything will be ok. Stop killing your families.

Monday, January 26, 2009

That's What I Get For Being A Cheap Bitch...

There I was thinking I was soooo smart by buying a $219.00 computer from Fry's "Outlet", as you can see is $20 fucking dollars cheaper right now..fuckers). I had gotten some horrible virus on my old (and I mean old) computer the week before and I was feeling rich.

I was all excited when I ordered it on Friday and even more excited when it showed up at my door on Monday..smiling, with a bottle of Apple Boone's Farm and a box of donuts (?)...anyway...I cracked open the packaging and commenced to getting it going...oooh, so pretty, so shiny, so VIRUS free..then I proceeded to drive to "My Bad" land during setup because I noticed that the keyboard wasn't working so I rebooted it...even though the instructions clearly stated that you should NOT shut it off during setup..ooops...whatever...

[insert 45 minutes of tech support help with a lovely guy named Srinivas in India here]

So for the rest of the afternoon it was "all guuud"..then it locked up while I was making some profile biggie, I'll just do a hard reset and keep on truckin'...

*cut to 7 days later*

The computer has locked up EIGHTEEN times since I opened the box...the hard drive makes a weird whizzing, burring, hissing, grinding sound then everything goes bat-shit crazy...Blue screens of death, hard disk errors and locusts...nice.

At one point I actually had to lean it at a weird angle and shake the shit out of it to get it work properly..yeah, I'm not kidding.

I've talked to HP tech support numerous times..wasting at least an hour of my time each day running bullshit tests to no avail..I told them that it was clearly a hard drive failure and they kept telling me "No way".

I tried to be patient since this is, after all, what I claim to do for a living (and I just hate when people call me at work and try to "run shit" during the call) but this morning I finally had enough and I demanded either they give me my money back or send me a replacement..right now..dammit.

Then they commenced to dicking me around for 4 days.

Then I threatened some sort of lawsuit or something, knowing full well that I didn't have money for that kind of shit.

Then they said they'd call me back. Um..what? Of course, they never did.

Then I called Fry' customer service and laid out the whole ordeal.

Then the lady put me on hold to check with her manager, came back, agreed that this was a load of shit and gave me an Return Authorization code and the assurance that I would get my money AND the return shipping cost refunded.

Fuck Yeah.

So after all is said and done, I'll only be out the $13.99 shipping I paid the first time around..a small price to pay..I guess.

Too bad I just got all into finding my former classmates and co-workers on Facebook...(it's blocked at the jackass asylum where I work..those bastards!)

I'll keep you posted on the search for my new computer..still under $400 though...because I'm still a cheap bitch..I'm sorry, it's what I do.


Saturday, January 24, 2009

Man-Candy Of The Week: Haaz Sleiman

So you know I have this obsession with those Dollar movie machine things...

Today I rented The Visitor starring Richard, he's not the Man-Candy but this guy Haaz Sleiman is....

Mmmmm....Lebanese yumminess....Scars and accents are kinda hot huh?

Friday, January 16, 2009

Office Fridge Cleaning..For Dummies

I swear...some people need to go straight to Hell.

I just came back from "saving" a freezer full of perfectly good frozen dinners from being chucked in the garbage.

In my office, a team from each department is chosen to clean out the 2 refrigerators we have in the break room and every week, like clockwork some incredibly dumb shit happens.

For instance, one week, I brought my lunch and some surprisingly healthy snacks with me in my cute little Company logo-ed insulated lunch bag.

I saw the little "we're about to clean some shit" email but I figured that since my shit was in a lunch tote, it would be safe...Wanna know what I got for figuring??
One of those bitches opened my lunch tote and threw away ALL OF MY SHIT then threw my lunch tote on top of the refrigerator...what.the.fuck?? So me and my diabetic ass had the shakes for the rest of the evening until I scrounged up enough change to buy some $6000 crackers from the vending machine.

Then I wrote a strongly fucking worded email to the management team (who can barely "manage" to pick their own asses) and they wrote back some lame shit about "the rule" blah fuckin' blah.
Yeah, yeah, I know that the standing rule is that "If is is not labeled with your name, it gets thrown away"..I get that but does the term "common fucking sense" ever enter into these peoples minds??

Oh!! AND THEN one day, I bought these little ice cream cups for my team..brand new, expiration date NOT EVEN CLOSE..and those cows threw my shit out..again!!

These idiots even throw away salad dressing and condiments stored in the door compartments...huh?

I truly believe that these people have no other outlet for their hatefulness so they come to work and take it out on us....I once watched as someone threw away an absolutely beautiful crystal bowl because it had some fruit salad in it FROM THE DAY BEFORE!!

I need a vacation...

Next week I plan on stashing a big ole bag of shit (actual feces, thanks) in the back of the fridge and put one of their names on it..yeah, that should do the trick.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Belly...The Sequel

Oh. Shit.

It seems that since Belly has "left the building", his sister has picked up the Corny Torch...fuckin' great.

At least 3 times a day, she waddles over and tells me some dumb ass joke about yer mama..or something equally as stupid.

Oh!! I forgot! At least 5 times a day, she sends me email "forwards" with what she says are HEEELARIOUS "kids say the darndest things" type shit in them....for fucking example:

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.-- Camille, age 10

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?Both don't want any more kids.-- Lori, age 8

A little funny? Perhaps....annoying as shit? Definitely.


And then when she comes over here, I have to keep myself from staring at her enormous pannus..I know, it's mean..but you should see this fucking's amazing...I always catch my self wondering when was the last time she saw her cooter/pikachu....yeck.

Monday, January 05, 2009

Damn New Year..

I guess it's time to make my resolution(s)..fashionably late, as usual.

hmm..let's see..

1. Be less of a fucking fat ass
2. Stop cursing so fucking much

That pretty much sums it up...

Of course I don't want to be too thin... all I want is a big ass and a flat stomach..I swear if I looked like Beyonce, I'd never "work" another day in my life..2 nights a week, I'd be swingin' on a pole and shaking the aforementioned big co-workers always give me dirty looks when I say such things but I bet being a part time stripper is FIFTY times better than sitting in a cubicle all week, ten hours a day and saying: Thanks for calling _____how may I help you??...make that FIVE HUNDRED CRISPY SINGLES...times better....