Saturday, April 26, 2008

R.I.P. Big Blue Aka Blue Girl

Why 2 names for 1 car?
Well when I drive it, it's a boy and when TOH drives it, it's a girl..because we're stupid like that.

We went to see the poor thing at the impound lot yesterday..SO not good as you can see.

This is OBVIOUSLY where the telephone pole ended up.

And to add insult to injury, they stole all of the Cadillac emblems!

Look at his nuts justa hangin'.

We suspect this is where the thief was ejected from..but we could be wrong.

Just look at my pretty car on the right, silently mocking Big that a smirk on Big Black's grille?? Sibling rivalry can be so harsh.

Since the "yard master" claimed that only one person could go in at a time, I watched TOH stare at the car and shake his head for 10 minutes, that is until I yelled for him (from half a football field away) to pull his head out of his ass and start loading up the bags I gave him...what? It was hot, windy and my nose and eyes were starting to cake up with pollen and dirt.

I sweet talked another guy into letting me in to help and we tried to recover what we could but the trunk wouldn't open.
He offered to pry it open with the forklift but TOH had had enough for one day.
Of course I was pissed that he had no desire to check for the rare sneakers that I bought him and the $25 worth of fire starter log things and the $30 baseball hat and the Cd's and the..well ALL the shit I wanted back...he said he "didn't care about anything that was left"..uh, thanks?

Oh did I tell you that this ordeal took all fucking day and over half a tank of $3.79 per gallon gas? Seems that when this happens to you, you have to get a 10 page police report from one place (thank god she didn't charge us the usual $1 per page), then you have to go to another place to have the vehicle released to whoever the hell, OH! but before you do that, you have to have the tag office where you live fax over a copy of your registration to the meanest, ugliest slipper wearing, "wish I didn't have this damn job" woman in the world at the release place...once you show all the ID you can muster and get your colon checked THEN you have to drive 15 miles over to the ghetto of all ghettos (and I know ghettos) where the salvage yard is with an office that looks like it was put together with bat shit and fake wood paneling just so you can TRY to scrape up whatever belongings that haven't been stolen yet while standing in 3 inches of mud and broken glass...sheeesus!!

We were able to laugh about it once we got home so I guess that's all that counts.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Gone In 60 Seconds..Or Less..UPDATE!!!

Medusa!! I Fouuuund It! (Don't tell me I'm the only person who loves that movie..ok, maybe I am)

An officer (no, not tight shirt guy from before) called TOH Tuesday morning to let him know that the caddy had been recovered and that they wanted to give him his wallet back..woo hoo..I guess.

TOH met with the officer that evening..he lives near us. (yay?)

Seems that after the car was stolen by a "black guy with a doo rag" (witness statement) from the gas station in city A, it found it's way to city B, almost an hour away by the next morning.

Two 15 year old Hispanic boys were in it when the officer from city B attempted to pull them over after running the tag - guess what?? STOLEN.
He "gave them the blue lights" and they took off so he said he decided to just follow them for a while without the lights and siren but being 15 years old and all, they kept running. They turned on to a side road, lost control in some wet grass, hit a pole at a high rate of speed AND THE DRIVER WAS EJECTED...ewww, not good.

Mr. Jr. car thief is now in the hospital in critical condition and the passenger just got a scratch on his hand...stupid kids.
Cop guy says that he talked to the driver's mother and she said that he's basically a fuck-up who sits around and drinks and smokes all day.
I guess it didn't help that TOH had a huge bottle of Vodka, orange juice and cigars in the back seat when they stole the car....Woo Hoo Party To Go!!!

I let our insurance rep know what was going on but now she's saying that the impound lot won't release the car to them until WE show up with ID, proof of insurance AND registration..then after we do all that, it will just be towed to another salvage yard to sit until Progressive gets to look at it....are these fuckers kidding? So me and the husband will be taking an entire day off of work tomorrow to deal with all the bullshit.

What a hassle.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Gone In 60 Seconds..Or Less

*sigh*..where do I fucking begin???

TOH called me last night from the gas station to calmly report that "somebody just stole the car"
como se whatthefuck??

I went immediately into full freak-out mode, because after all, it's what I do best.

He then went on to tell me that he was talking to the cops right then and Oh yeah, that he left the keys in it while he went into the store "real quick, like 30 seconds"....

I'll wait here quietly while you curse him and call him names (like I did)....

Did I also mention that the car was running?? He should have put a sign on it that said: "Hey criminal guy, come here and steal me..oh, and I've included a pretty leather wallet with lots of identity theft-worthy items too!!"

In the itty bitty town where TOH is from, you could literally leave your car door open and no one would steal it...even if they did, you probably know EVERYbody in their family so recovering it would be a breeze.

But now, we live in a really big city with really bad crime and you just can't do shit like that around here.

I sort of feel bad for him though..a little. He looked so dejected when I went to pick him up..I REALLY wanted to kick his ass but most of me just wanted to hug him....then there was that other "mean bitch" part that wanted to make him walk home after I chastised him for always hanging with his damn friends all over east Egypt...but he's just so cute...and so naive sometimes...ultimately I'm glad he's ok and that no one cracked him over the head to get the car from him...Talk about mixed feelings...

On the way there, I was on the phone with the insurance company lady who insisted that I give her the address of the Quiktrip where it was the fuck would I know that??? Jees..she would NOT leave it alone. I was driving like a damn maniac tryin' to get to ma baaaby and this cow is looking for maps and phone books!!

The police officer that made the report was SO stereotypical and cocky, I almost laughed out loud at him. If his shirt would have been any tighter, I promise his nipples would have ripped right through the fabric...yeck.

He told us that he would enter it into the system but that we should be aware that our state has 8 investigators monitoring 4000 stolen vehicles at this time...yayy, great.

I got a call from an adjuster who asked a whole bunch of questions that basically accused us of stealing our own car such as:

Were you late on your car payment?

How much do you owe on it?

Had you just had any repairs done?

Have you ever put it up for sale?

uh, no, nunya, no and....NO. She seemed nice enough though and said that it could take up to a month to finish the process out (oh happiness??). I suppose they hope that they can recover the vehicle and not have to pay out as much.

We could get a rental direct billed after we return their paperwork (NOTARIZED) next week but we would need to shell out the $250 deposit if we want one today..more happiness.

Since they have his wallet with our new address and all our house keys, I'm changing the locks today..(yay tool time!). You should seen how cute he was last night checking out the house holding my hunting knife from my car's center console when we got home....what? So I'm the only one with a deer gutter/skinner in my car?? Oh. My Bad.

Just when I thought I was a little less mad today than yesterday, I remembered the rare, $110 sneakers I bought him which were in the trunk for some strange "man reason"...daaamn it!!

Those are definitely not replaceable...not in his size at least, I checked.

Wanna know what's funny?

His "no matter what", favorite movie of all time is....

Gone In 60 Seconds...irony buuurns doesn't it?

Monday, April 14, 2008

Name Change, Schedule Change..Too Many Damn Changes!!

My bastard ass part time job made me "expand my hours of availability"..great..more work for literally pennies.

Also, I am now "officially" Mrs. TOH....after 9 months of marriage.

yaaay..I guess.

He claimed that it was "no big deal" if I didn't change my name...but then he got a look on his face and I knew he was lying.

It was, like I said it would be, a hellish process:

Hell Day location 1:
This involved driving to east Jerusalem and paying 5 FUCKING DOLLARS PER PAGE for both my marriage license AND the application...wonderful. Oh, and they only take cash...thank god I actually had that..did I mention the 20 minutes of driving around east Jerusalem trying to find an ATM that wouldn't extort millions of dollars in fees?..they better be glad the parking was free and nobody was in line when I got to the window.

Hell Day location 2:
The Social. Security. Office. [insert demon death screams here] I'm pretty sure this is where they trained the Abu Ghraib captors.
When you walk in you pretty much get to wander around like an ass until you find the ticket giver thing and the overworked security guard.
I'm sure I'll offend someone by mentioning that I don't quite enjoy the "aromas" of other cultures and this joint was literally "ripe" with "aromas"...yeck.

A bitch cut in front of me at the ticket giver thing..I should have pushed her down but she was small and looked quick..I was tired from the Jerusalem drive.

I waited as the staff screamed numbers out of the PA system for over AN HOUR...but I started to get excited because ahhh yeahhh, my number was coming up soon.
Then my number was called!!! I gathered my stack of 600 forms and was all prepared to flip out my old social security card like a switchblade when THAT BITCH FROM BEFORE got up and went to "my" window..ummm..huh??
Then the next number was called..and the next...and the they were FLYING through the damn numbers!!!!
I ran like a jilted schoolgirl and whined to the security guard..this dipshit actually had the nerve to ask me why I didn't say anything before!! Whasahuh? I said "it JUST happened..I'm sayin' somethin' NOW!!"...he didn't seem phased..I'm pretty sure he's used to people flippin' out in there, and besides that, he had a REALLY big gun.
Bless his heart, he got on the phone and lit a fire under somebody and then he directed me to "my" window from before.
Bitch From Before actually brushed past me on her way out...thinking back I really should have showed her my ghetto-ninja ass whippin' skills but I was SO ready to get out of there.

The broad at the window claimed that she indeed called my number and that Bitch From Before claimed that she had MY number..whatever...after merely glancing at $10 worth of paper, she told me that they would have to mail me my new card and warned me that I would "no matter what" use my married name on EVERY thing I signed or filled out from now on..dramatic much?? I opted to keep my maiden name almost like a second middle name..what?..I had 35 years of life before him!!

Oh..I'm not KNOW where I had to go next don't ya???

Yep, The D motherfuckin' M V...*sigh*

Hell Day location 3:
Weee!!..the Department of Motor Vehicles!!!
I actually found a parking space near the door and they was NOBODY in the ticket giving line..too bad the waiting area looked pretty much the same as the SSN office times 1500..shit!!!
It was like being in a very confusing airport that was throwing a wild party.
There were stock ticker-like signs above each window..all 30 of them..then a soothing computer voice was calling out these weird letter\number combinations along with your window assignment...who thought of THIS bullshit?? Now I have to pay attention again.....double shit!!
Somehow, I didn't get skipped this time but I kept my eyes peeled for that Bitch From Before.
I must say that the lady who helped me was THE nicest DMV worker that I have ever dealt with. I ended up telling her half my life story and all of my "TOH and Me" story. She was an older lady and she told me that she wished she could find a nice man online like I did..(awww!) I reassured her that it was definitely a possibility and that she should try it..but to stay away from the ones that send you naked pictures. She laughed but dammit, I was serious.
She didn't charge me for the name and address change but I had to go to yet another line to wait for my license picture..jeeeesus!!!
I reluctantly stood in line for picture taking..oh hell naw, I was sooo not ready for a new picture so I talked the girl into letting me keep the one they had on file..even though it was ridiculously dark and I weighed about 3,000 pounds back then..(as opposed to the 2500 pounds that I weigh now?)
The poor thing at the printing area had one of the biggest, weirdest, tackiest wig things on her head that I have ever looked like things lived in it...I hope she didn't see me staring at it.'s done..I still find myself signing my "old" name though...Is that bad?

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Oh Just Go To Hell Co-Worker Lady!!

My surly bitch co-worker called my cards "Hokey" the other day....umm..what?

Yep, she said that there were "too many flowers and shit" my front of other people.

Well bitch, in this office, HOKEY SELLS!! What a cow.

She did make me doubt my "crafty" talent a litttle though..urrrgh..I hate when I let bitches like that get to me.

Here are some more of my hokey ass cards for you to eyeball:

She asked me why this one had a "doo rag" on..just stupid

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Too Damn Busy

Seems the "Call Center Gods" were angered by my last post and have decided to punish me by having the phones ring non-fucking-stop around here.

How dare you people call while I'm trying to blog??? Bastards.

If I try to blog here and my phone rings, I have to scramble to minimize the screen because as soon as I get a call, a program starts recording my screen AND my phone conversation..who thought of that dumb shit??? I should kill them.

I suppose you're asking: Well why don't you blog at home?

Because I'm addicted to online gaming sites like and I'm a nerd but I can't get enough of Polly Pet Detective and JoJo's Fashion Show..and don't forget Belle's Beauty Shop for god's sake!!!
(I would insert links here but you remember my hateful IT Dept don't you?)

*sigh*....I'm bored..and instead of boring you too, I'm going to make some crafty shit or something...