Friday, March 28, 2008

The Mute Button Is Your Friend..Or Not

I'll probably lose my "tech support rep" card for telling people this but on the phones we have here, there's a handy little MUTE button..I love the fucking MUTE keeps me sane at work.

Most of the calls we get here involve stupid people doing stupid things...for stupid reasons.

Caller: err, monitor is sparking and smoking
Professional Me: That's strange, what led up to this?
Caller: (whispering) Well, I have a plant on it and I when I watered it, it overflowed
Professional Me on MUTE: You stupid fuck!!! (I also laugh at people while on MUTE)
Professional Me: I'm sorry, could you repeat that..a little louder? (just because I'm a mean bitch)

This button also helps when you want to agree with the caller but don't want them to hear it.

Caller: I am such a dumb ass when it comes to computers
Professional Me on MUTE: Yep, you're right
Professional Me: Ohhh don't be so hard on yourself

I also like to chastise the caller's children or life choices when they insist on calling from home with bullshit kills me that people are on their fucking laptops doing work WHILE THEY ARE RECOVERING FROM HEART SURGERY or WHILE THEY ARE ON VACATION!!

Caller: Hi..I broke something and got some sort of error message..blah blah [insert screaming, annoying child here]
Professional Me: I'm sorry, I can't hear you, could you speak up please
Professional Me on MUTE: Shut that little bastard up
Caller: wah wah wump wah [insert barking dog and more screaming children here]
Professional Me on MUTE: Oh my god..shut the fuck up!!

I don't know about you, but when I was growing up, If my mom was on the phone me and my brother BETTER have been quiet or she would have put a foot in our asses..parents today are so lax.


Caller: (heart monitor beeping) Hi, I'm in the hospital recovering from heart surgery and I can't get my email to open, I have a big project due
Professional Me on MUTE: Ummm, huh? That's probably why your dumb ass had a heart attack in the first place!!
Professional Me: Oh, you poor thing. Let's see if we can get you connected

One last note:

Remember, unless you hear music, you are NOT on hold...I can't tell you how many times I have heard a caller talking cash shit about me while they "think" they are on hold.."Hey Bob, This broad doesn't know her ass from a whole in the ground, EVERYBODY knows that you're supposed to yank the print-out from the printer before it finishes printing instead of waiting for it to hit the tray!!"
Then when I start talking over their little rant, they get all embarrassed..."Oh!! I'm sorry, I didn't know you were still there..blah blah blah"

And don't get me started on the SPEAKERPHONE....people think they're being really cool "multi-taskers" when all they really are being is you have any idea HOW LOUD paper shuffling and popcorn chewing is over the speakerphone..obviously not.

People are stupid.

But I like getting a paycheck.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

What About Prom Blane???!!!

Last night I had a dream that I went to the my present age of 35..weird huh?

I remember that I was wearing an old braids hairstyle that I rocked for eons like this:(in case you are wondering, NO, THAT IS NOT A REAL PICTURE OF ME..besides, I wouldn't have picked that ghetto ass, "I don't have a day job" color)

In the dream, me and TOH were in this car (yeah, I wish)

Also, I found myself all decked out in my prom dress..wandering through the mall trying to find TOH and when I looked in the mirror, I noticed that my face hadn't been washed and I had eye boogers..etc..mmm, how attractive.

Maybe I had this dream due to the fact that I MISSED MY PROM..for a very stupid reason.

My senior year in high school, My date Eric freakin' idolized Duckie Dale, (hair, shoes and all) but didn't quite like my friends.
Our prom was in Ontario,CA but we lived 4 million miles away in Victorville, CA and Eric had a car....oooh, hot...but he refused to let, my friends ride in his car and me being a stupid teenage girl, decided that I would rather "find my own damn ride". Well he called my retarded ass bluff, and left.

Cut to me, sitting on my friend's bed, fully dressed, pantyhose, heels and ALL that shit, holding my $55 prom ticket...snifflin' and shit.
I missed out on a great memory because of my loyalty to them..I sure as hell wouldn't do it again, they cows weren't even seniors!!

Remember the scene in Pretty In Pink (god, I love that movie) where Iona and Andie are in record store and Iona says:

I have this girlfriend who didn't go to hers, and every once in a while, she gets this really terrible feeling--you know, like something is missing. She checks her purse, and then she checks her keys. She counts her kids, she goes crazy, and then she realizes that nothing is missing. She decided it was side effects from skipping the prom.

I think I'm having some of those side effects.

And because I now have internet access at home (take that! mean IT dept.)....a little duckie for ya..oh and some New Order too..because that song reminds me of all my teenage "angst"...ha freakin' ha

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Fergie, What's Up Wit Dat??

I don't think I like Fergie anymore....

What ever happened to the Fergie that was shakin' her ass all fast in the MyHumps video????

Now she's all classy and shit....singing ballads on awards shows in ball gowns.


I should probably explore what being mad at her for cleaning up says about me....but I'm too busy shakin' my ass.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Why So Tight?

Why is that people who have fat kids tend to dress them in the TIGHTEST clothes they can find???

Look, I know that kid's clothes can be expensive but for god's sake - Old Navy has separates for like ...$5!!!!

I saw a little girl in Wal-Mart that I swear, looked like a kielbasa..poor thing.

I bet when she grows up, she'll probably dress like this sad thang:

Just look at those buttons..justa straaaainin'..POP OFF!!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

How Clean Is Your Office Fridge??

I swear.....

Yesterday the department fridges were cleaned out..just like they do every two weeks...but THIS time, somebody decided that it would be a wonderful idea to open my lunch tote and:





OK, so I've had to do "fridge duty" a couple of times myself here but I at least used some common sense.

These "geniuses" also threw out UNOPENED frozen dinners and UNOPENED salad dressings....

All because "It didn't have a name on it"

yeah, real smart.

I should have learned my lesson from when that bitch stole my food...but learning shit has never been my strong suit.

Friday, March 07, 2008

Those Bastards!!!

Well..I guess I won't be posting any more videos..or music playlists..or ANYTHING any more (from work at least).

On Wednesday, the mighty, all-knowing IT department where I work blocked pretty much every music site I like..*sigh*

Maybe you can go there are like them on my behalf...*sniffle*

Seniorplanet (what a strange name for a video site..and it's all French)
Deezer (I promise you, I am fucking HEARTBROKEN over that one)
Music Remedy

They also block websites that sell bathing suits....jees. I guess websites that show plus size girls in skirtinis is just soooo offensive.

Other dumb shit that is blocked:

Baby Phat

But someone in a high place must LOOOOVE Ebay because it is wide damn open..go figure

If they block Blogger I will slit my own throat....could I get any more dramatic??

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Meme: 6 Strange Things About Me

Well besides the "obvious"....

DixieChick tagged me for the 6 Quirks meme.

1. I can smell absolutely EVERYTHING...believe me, it's not a good thing. I swear, I can smell my neighbor through the floor.(Imagine what I'll be like when I get pregnant) TOH can NEVER smell the stuff I smell though...he thinks I'm weird.
My co-worker says that I'm probably smelling demons on certain people..umm. ok.

2. I like to hear elderly people's just funny to me

3. I can't step on cigarette butts..sidewalks, streets, floors...yeck. For some reason, I find them to be the most fucking disgusting things ever..besides:

4. Vomit...I can't stand it..If I so much as HEAR somebody vomiting, I'm ruined for the day.

5. I can't look at mold on skin is crawling as I type the word..mold...eeeewww. I've been known to throw away a perfectly good, expensive Corningware bowl because it contained "something moldy". Me and TOH argue at least once a week because I literally BEG him to throw all the old food out. (Speaking of weird, TOH has a "quirk" that compels him to smell the contents of every container of old food that he throws out...the first time I saw him do it, I almost fainted)

6. I have this strange fear that I'm going to drop my keys in a storm drain or grate..I'm completely freaked out every time I walk by the drain in front of our condo..I mean paralyzed with fear..and of course TOH ALWAYS parks next to it...bastard.

Honorable Mention Quirk

Ants...*dying right now*...When I was 5, I stepped on an ant hill..and those fuckers got me good.
Any time I see a swarm of ants, I nearly pee's almost like I can hear them taunting me....

Now the rules of this are to tag 3 other people..I'll try but you know I'm a slack ass so.....