Formerly known as: Is This REALLY My Life or The Co-Worker Hate Blog.
A long, sad tale of my miserable life..rantings and musings of a Type 2 Diabetic/Sugar Addict.
Oh wait..and a little hateful gossip about my co-workers for good measure!
Sunday night, Inappropriate Tool Guy calls to tell me that their babysitter's sister died last week and that she's still not over it..poor thing.
This means that 1yr old Lil' Bit needs a babysitter on Monday..which means I'm their "Only Hope". I figured that since she was returned in one piece last time, this should be a breeze...famous last words...
Since my car broke down..again..we're down to one car. I usually take TOH to work on Mondays and Tuesdays so I can have transportation to important places such as Joann's Fabrics and the grocery store..and Border's so I can read books for free all day on my days off...because I'm just SO busy like that..
Anyway, Tool Guy offers me two choices:
A: Spend the night at their house like I'm an Au Pair B: He'll drop his car off at our house that night so I can drive it back to their house in the morning..and be the Au Pair
on a lazy Sunday afternoon, none of these sounded like a good idea but I chose option B. He didn't seem very comfortable with her spending the night at our house again, I guess.
When I got there Monday morning, on the way out the door, Lil Bit's mom mentioned that the neighbor, (who also goes to the same babysitter) MAY need to drop her baby off for a couple of hours too..uh, ok.
Me and Lil' Bit were doing ok, she kept bullying my food from me though. I usually have no problem elbowing little kids in the neck but she was giving me the cute puppy-dog face. Then doorbell rang and it was the neighbor and her baby..she was soooo cute and chunky..and really heavy for an 8 month old. I think I'll call her SuperChunks.
SuperChunks and Lil'Bit seemed to get along well..except for the eye gouging and hair pulling I guess. SuperChunks can't walk but she swings like she's in a girl gang.
SuperChunks is gangsta.
It's amazing the "hold" Barney and his weird little friends have on children. When Baby Bop lost her blanket..and sang a damn song about it...those babies were absolutely MESMERIZED!! I think there's some sort of subliminal mind control going on because at one point, I started to sing along too.."Oh where, oh were could my blankie be?? Oh where oh where could it beeeeeee?? Damn you Barney!!
Lunch time was interesting. SuperChunks' mom left a container of what looked ot be peas mixed with shit and some apricots..mixed with shit. Lil' Bit was supposed to eat parts of a grilled ham and cheese sandwich from the morning but she kept spitting out the meat..go carbs!! She was also supposed to eat some yogurt. When I opened the peas "medley", I gagged..so did SuperChunks but she ate it any way.
Being the Super Nanny that I am, I thought I could feed both of them at the same time, using two different spoons..the babies had other plans though. SuperChunks kept reaching for the container as if to knock it out of my hand and Lil' Bit was trying to find other things to do..like poke my eyes out with big, pointy, wood blocks.
When all was said and done, all three of us ended up eating the yogurt.
Lil' Bit farts..like a man. At first it was funny but when a green cloud of gas appeared, I figured it must be time for a diaper change.
Ok, we were all downstairs...the changing table is upstairs...hmm,
Should I be an irresponsible "nanny" and leave one of the children alone while I change the other?? Should I forgo the whole "warm and toasty wet wipe experience" and just use a wet paper towel from the kitchen?
I know!! I'll attempt to carry my fat ass and TWO babies up a very steep flight of 15 stairs!! Yeah, that was a WONDERFUL idea. My back hurts...
Oh and another thing: Baby shit is NASTY
Lil' Bit presented me with a cute but stanky little snowball but SuperChunks....that little girl should be ashamed of herself...her diaper was actually bulging..yeck...once I opened it, I went into full gag mode..
Why is it halfway up her back??? Why does she feel the need to start kicking and laughing..thus kicking the diaper..when I went to move it out of the way, shit literally went flying..and it hit the wall.....find.me.a.bucket.
After every little girl ass and purple painted wall was clean, I got everybody back downstairs..I had to hurry since The Young and The Restless is on damn it!! I duped both of them into going to sleep while I watched my stories..quiet..finally.
My mom and sister came by later in the afternoon and I was able to leave and get some lunch. I think the novelty of them had worn off by the time I got back because my mom looked like she was ready to run out to the car screaming..how cute.
I got them back to sleep again..did I care that they may be up all night after I left?? NOPE.
Inappropriate Tool Guy got home around 3pm and messed everything up by taking Lil'Bit from her very comfortable place.. my shoulder..jostling SuperChunks..waking her up...daaaaaaamn it!!!!
SuperChunks' mom didn't come back until 6pm..*sigh*, I'm tired, hungry and ready to go at this point but Tool Guy insisted that they take me to dinner for my trouble..umm, ok, I guess. Somehow we got everybody together: Lil' Bit, her parents, SuperChunks, her 10 yr old sister, her mom..and me to the restaurant...in 3 different cars (??)
Long story short..O'Charley's can go straight to hell..
An hour and a half to get our food??? Ridiculous. Luckily, I had ordered a very big Mojito as soon as we sat down. The manager reduced the bill by about 80% and we got all our food "to go"....
by the time I got home, all I could do was say a slurred hello to TOH and fell directly on my bed..clothes and all..I gave TOH my dinner and I don't remember much after that.
Me being the snarky and assholish one at work, well I just think they are the funniest things ever..my co-worker on the other hand, who is the most serious person I have EVER met, thinks they are mean, childish and stupid....she also thinks that farting and belching is stupid....
Like Larry The Cable Guy says: "I don't care who ya are..that's funny"
While we were watching TV last night, I brought up the subject of babies again with TOH. I'd spent all day worrying myself to death by reading diabetic mommy blogs and medical advice sites.
TOH sure had a lot of questions:
1. Are you sure you want to have my baby? (umm..huh? I think Brad Pitt is busy..damn!!) 2. What if there are complications? (Do you remember me going to med school??..I sure don't) 3. Are you sure you're ready to carry a baby for 9 long months? (The carrying part isn't what I'm worried about) 4. Can you follow the diet? (Can you stop bringing buckets of chicken and gallons of ice cream into the house??) 5. If you bring up the possibility of twins ONE more time, can I kill you?
After the inquisition, he told me how much he REALLY wanted a little boy. I asked him "What if we have a little girl?" and he said that would be great too..but then he added:
"That just means more guns in the house"...
His theory is that if we have a little girl, it will be his duty to protect her from "hard dicked little boys" for the rest of her life..and in order to perform this duty, we will need an arsenal.."cuz' that's what called for in these situations"...
Ok so I have this part time job that I rarely go to..seems that they just don't need me but I get to keep my 40% discount (woo hoo) and when I am actually there, I take advantage of their kick ass stereo system and just dance and sing my whole piddly 4 hour shift.
Problem is: It's a sports store and they expect you to wear tight ass outfits Now, I'm a little fluffy around my ass parts and I just BARELY fit into their XL women's tops...big tits, back fat and a tight top are quite distracting if ya know what I mean. At least it's all technically free..(including shoes up to $120) and it's usually quite stylish. We are forced to "change up" 4 times a year.
For the past 4 years, I've battled the management over having to squeeze into my uniform because they have this "policy" (more like: "shit they made up along the way") that states that women have to wear the women's uniform and men have to wear the men's...*sigh* Up until a couple of years ago, they let me wear the men's t-shirt offering..begrudgingly though..I know they're thinking "why can't that fat bitch just lose some weight for god's sake??"
I've been trying damn it!!! My view is that with them being a HUGE company that caters to athletes..big muscular men AND women, they should make accommodations for bigger body types in their stores and for their employees...*stepping down from soap box*
Well a new perky, skinny- bitch manager came along and "insisted" that I start wearing the women's top...yeck... So I took to wearing a corset girdle and a jacket around my waist to "hide out"...that was 15 pounds ago and I gave up the girdle but that jacket remains...
*Linka just realizes that she told you ALL that unnecessary shit to actually talk about something else* (thanks for hangin' on)
There's this girl I'll call The Other Big Broad that works there. TOBB has NEVER had a problem wearing what they gave her and I am routinely blessed with having to look at 15 inches of her naked back and ass crack every time she bends over at the register because she just has to wear the required uniform..jeeesus.. But even with all of that, I've always been nice to her...
A) Every time I say hi to her she kind of gives me the "whatever, ho" look and forces herself to say hi back to me B) She was pregnant and I asked if she was doing ok and she dissed me again!! C) I called asking for my schedule and she threw the phone down without saying "hold please", comes back to the phone rattles off my schedule all fast then when I said "thank you" she just said "yeah" and hung up
This bitch is really trying my patience...
Me being the worrier that I am, I racked my brain trying to figure out why this heffa hates me..then I remembered: I guess one day a couple of years ago, during the forced staff dress change, I said something to the effect of: "I'm not TOBB, I refuse to wear that tight ass top..blah blah blah... ya aint gonna have MY fat ass on display..blah blah blah"
Maybe somebody blabbed...oops...maybe I should shut my mouth sometimes.
Last night after work, My carpool friend drove us to Whole Foods. It must have been a full moon or something because shit got real weird, real fast:
Bat-Shit Incident #1: On the way, she needed to get gas so after being raped, I mean after pumping her gas, she decided to splurge and get the $6 car wash..we pulled around to the automated wash, she entered the code, pulled her truck in until the screen said stop..then it told her to go, then stop..then go...what the?....it then soaped up the BACK of her truck..stopped, then rinsed HALF of it, then showed some errors. After much prodding from me, she pulled around to ask for her money back. She's a very mellow person who doesn't usually freak out but I do my best to be a bad influence on her..poor thing. The attendant actually had the nerve to try and say that the truck "looked fine to him"..uh did ya see the SOAP all over it?? Guess not.
So we leave there and head to Whole Foods..I flippin' love that place, it's like a theme park, expensive food and all. Now normally, the employees there are soooo nice, almost too nice (One lady hugged me once) but this time was different:
Bat-Shit Incident #2: After wandering through the sexy organic produce section ($4.99/pound for grapes??!!) we made our way to the pizza parlor. An older Asian man was making pizzas with his back sort of turned to us. We waited...and eventually he turned around..sort of..after a while he looks at us and says: "You hungry?"...what the fuck kind of greeting is that??? My friend proceeded to order two slices, one with mushrooms, extra cheese and one with pepperoni, extra cheese..well that threw old boy off because he looked at the slices that were out, didn't see anything close to that and just stared at my friend..she asked him again and he sort of huffed..he obviously wants his ass kicked..My friend is far too nice and patient...he made do with the available slices and added mushrooms and cheese to one and more cheese to the other, boxed them up and handed them over.."great!" you're saying but did I mention that THOSE INGREDIENTS WERE RAW!!??!! She ALMOST fell for that shit but of course I urged her to be pissed. She asked him if he could "please heat them up"..more huffing..I wanted to knock his calzones over but she wouldn't let me. Oh, I forgot to tell you that he deliberately let them burn in the oven a little..asshole.
Oh, but I'm not done....
Bat-Shit Incident #3: Now we're finally ready to checkout..wait..look at all those pretty cakes...I had to be pried away from the bakery dept..ooooh, look at the gelato...this place is so bad for you.. Now we're at the registers..only two lanes open..on a busy Friday night..great..I waited patiently while scanning the front for an open register. There was this big muscle-bound dude in front of me with a carton of something..after TWO seconds of waiting, he says "fuck it" and THROWS his items at the cosmetic shelf behind him and storms out of the store...hemp lipstick and shit goes flying everywhere..me and the guy next to me can only stare in disbelief..what in the hell is going on around here??
Bat-Shit Incident #4: We're finally in the parking lot. I reach to open the door when all of a sudden, I hear a blood curdling scream. As I look back I see a little girl on the ground burst out crying while holding her foot. At that same time I see a 40ish blonde lady in a white velour sweatsuit falling down on the ground while simultaneously tipping her cart over... We saw her in the store earlier and took the opportunity to make fun of how it was 3 sizes too small in ALL the wrong places and she was on her cell phone...yelling. She looked like the typical, local "rich bitch" that wanders around in their tennis outfits all day.
Let me stop for a moment to explain something.
I have to say that it all looked "staged"..it was almost as if when she realized that she had rolled over her daughter's foot, she thought it would be a good idea to also fall on the ground and start screaming..fucking weirdo. It wasn't like the cart was even all that big or unwieldy..you know how Whole Foods has the 3 sizes of carts? The little silver one that holds the plastic basket (The compact car) The cute, new pewter one with the metal basket-like compartments (The crossover hybrid) and the BIG WILLIE one that looks like a normal cart (The SUV)
Well this broad had the crossover hybrid type with about 4 bags in it...well all over the parking lot at this point.
Anyway, as usual, I digress.
As I was turning around to take my little cart back, a car slammed on brakes in front of the mêlée and a lady jumped out asking if everything was ok. Me and the "car lady" turned the cart right side up and tried to put the bags back in it. Meanwhile, the crazy falling bitch is LITERALLY running around in a circle, screaming and asking where her keys are (they're on the ground with the rest of your shit ya crazy cow!!). Her little girl is all confused looking, still holding her foot and crying. I told her to sit down on the curb and tried to calm her but by the looks of her mother, that wasn't going to happen. At this point the mom is opening the lift gate of her ridiculously large SUV-mobile..there was a teenage boy and a weird looking large, white poodle dog back there (??) looking at her crazy. She starts screaming at the boy (and dog too, I guess) to "GET ME SOME ICE!!!!!"...the poor boy starts to get out..then she screams at the dog to "STAY IN THE CAR AUSSIE".."AUSSIE!!!!!". Aussie was like "whatever, lady" and he ran over to the little girl and started barking. Crazy lady completely lost her shit at that point. When I say this ho was screaming...she was REALLY screaming..poor dog..poor kids.
I finally decided that this was too much to handle and slowly backed out of the situation. "Car lady" was still kind of caught up in the madness but I could tell that she'd had enough too. The whole time, I waiting for Ashton Kutcher and a camera crew to come running up.
Can you imagine what day to day life is like with her?? We decided that if she was married, her husband is probably NEVER home..and we're sure that he has a mistress....
The craziness of this lady kept me up for most of the night...I'm weird like that. I kept thinking:
Maybe she has a chemical imbalance like that lady in Running With Scissors Maybe she's going through something traumatic, like the death of a family member Maybe it's just been a long day
TOH told me that if I didn't go to sleep, he'd give ME a chemical imbalance..off to sleep I went...actually I just pretended to sleep..she was still bothering me.
When I walked in the door last night he was right were he should have been...in the kitchen, cookin' my damn dinner..haha
He looked so nervous, poor thing. I asked him if he needed help but he directed me to shoo fly to the living room.
He had set the table...where did he find those candles?..(I swear I hid them behind the TV because they were ugly) Please excuse the naked walls and change on the floor...TOH has taken the other two chairs to his "man room" for comfort..I tried to move them back but it just caused an argument.
He was cooking shrimp when I came in so I thought he was going to make his famous shrimp and pasta but he presented me with this:(mmm..red meat)
Urrmph..getting verklempt again....look at the shrimp all in a row..I was all ready to throw my panties at him right then and there but he asked that I please wait until after dessert (I married a prude) He later admitted that he bought the green beans from Whole Foods when he was buying the steak and shrimp..they were damn good anyway.
A mini cheesecake with a cherry on top....Tito, get me a tissue.
Dinner talk consisted of me gingerly asking if it was ok for me to stop taking the pill..He said "That would be great..I'm ready when you're ready"...*gasp* I guess we'll be working on a baby this year..more on that in a later post.
After dinner we watched "Why Did I Get Married"..I love that damn movie because I thought it would give us an opportunity to talk about marriage..but we mostly just made fun of the actor's clothes and hair..We're made for each other I guess.
I'm sitting here at work watching all my female co-workers working themselves into a froth over their rose and candy deliveries...oh shut the hell up already.
I'm already over this "holiday" and it's only 9 am. Sorry, but I seem to stepped in some shitty attitude on the way to work.
I'm SO not the romantic type...yes, it would be nice sometimes to be all mushy and covered in flowers and shit but it's just not realistic right now.
TOH, however, has gotten the impression that I'm some sort of materialistic gold-digger that expects the world today. I've promised him that I'd wait until our first anniversary to turn into that broad but he didn't think it was funny....
For the past week he's been "preparing" me for just how "budget" this V-Day is going to be. I told him that I'd appreciate ANYthing that he did for me because I knew it would be coming from his heart but he's still acting all strange and embarrassed.
He told me not to expect:
Big bunches of flowers Ridiculously large boxes of candy Lots of Lotto money (he forgot to play the office Lotto pool and I cussed him out) A really expensive, elaborate dinner A brand new Aston Martin DB9
Damn!! I really wanted that last one..but oh well.
All this anticipation is kind of ruining it for me..men are so insecure...but they are just so damn cute. (except Belly)
Well, I have to get back to raising my blood sugar by humoring my silly co-workers and eating all the candy they keep leaving on my desk..I wouldn't want to seem rude....oh shit, here comes Belly, smiling and shit..prepare to vomit.
I was walking in to work today..walking up the stairwell when I heard this really loud sobbing noise...WTF?? Me and my co-worker looked at each other and made our way around the corner to find one of the temps (Dufus who types laBtop) balled up in the corner clutching her chest...I don't do emergencies very well so all I could do was scream "are you alright?? what's wrong???!!!" at the poor girl.
She managed to tell us that she was in very bad pain and that she couldn't breathe..oh shit
I screamed that I was going to get somebody for her..imagine my co-worker's surprise at seeing me bust through the doors hollerin' about calling 911...somebody handed me a phone...one of those DAMN Iphones talking about "Push the blue button"..what fucking blue button?? Where are the framalamin' numbers?? Finally somebody handed me another phone..with numbers on it..what's the number to 911?? I seriously thought that..I am stupid.
The 911 lady picked up and because I was on a cell phone, she had to patch me through to the correct county..jeeeeesus!! The next guy picked up and asked 1400 questions and then I had to feel her up to make sure she wasn't clammy..that was awkward...
One of the managers came flying in to "save the day"...in her annoying sing-songy type of voice "I can handle it from heeeeeere Linka"..like she was telling me to "shoo fly"..bitch. I ignored her and tried to calm the girl down. We have a medical dept. here so one of the nurses was there checking her vitals and such. Even the nurse had to give miss sing-song sunshine the eveil eye at one point. Well after dealing with the cluster fuck of finding the right back door (Our company has a huge maze of a campus), the paramedics finally came (oooh, firemen).
Funny thing is: The paramedic could barely get his fat ass up the FIRST flight of stairs!! He was wheezing worse than Dufus was..the "ha ha" of it all was lost on her though. All I could think was, what if I have to call a paramedic..FOR THE PARAMEDIC!! Anywhoooo... The stairway was blocked by:
A: Poor Dufus B: Poor fat paramedic guy C: Poor nurse from the medical dept.
thus making it impossible to "get back to work" but Sing-song sunshiney bitch was still standing there tapping her foot like she wanted all of us to get back on the damn phones..there's a broad on the floor, screaming in pain you stupid cow...she then asked Dufus' friend if she was going to the hospital with her.."yes, of course" she said..then Sing-song sunshiney had the nerve to say: "Well do you WANT to go??"...Dufus' friend just gave her the "are you serious, bitch" look and miss thing backed down.
Dufus decided to have her friend drive her to the hospital so the paramedics left and I unfortunately had to go back upstairs..BOOOOOO!!
UPDATE: Seems that Dufus coughed so hard this morning from having walking pneumonia, she pulled a muscle in her chest..ouch...get that girl some Hyrdocodone...
I went back to traffic court last night..who has traffic court at 5:00 pm??...the dummies in my state do.
This would be my second time going to court since I decided to plead Not Guilty to that stupid Improper Lane Change ticket. I mostly did that because 1. I thought the charge was bullshit and 2. I didn't have the money to pay the ticket.
I left my house at 3:00 pm even though it is only a 25 minute drive, highway traffic sucks here and the parking situation at the courthouse is a cluster fuck. But of course, just my luck, traffic was fabulous and I found a parking space right away..great, now I'm early for court..stink ass central.
It must be a prerequisite that you have to smell like fresh manure and cigarette smoke before coming to court because every time I come here, that's what my nostrils are assaulted by....anyway, 2:00 court was still in session at 5:15 pm and I'm pissed. I asked the clerk broad when 5:00 court would be starting and she gave me the stank attitude answer of "5:00..like it says"....bitch, I should have knocked her papers on the floor.
Finally they just told us to go in and sit down to wait for the next judge. A man was already at the podium arguing his case..he must have been a lawyer or something because he was going for broke..it all ended with the judge saying: "Sir, that's all well and good but you were speeding in a school zone for christ's sake!!!"..he skulked off to pay his fine..the next few people plead guilty like dummies and had to pay their fines. The judge was an older white guy with salt and pepper hair. He looked like he made good hot chocolate...I'm not quite sure what that means but it felt right when I thought it.
After what seemed like two weeks, the 5:00 judge showed up, a younger black guy..seemed bothered to be there though..shit, I hope he's lenient... He called all the 21 yrs and younger people up and made them take a mandatory class that cost $90..ouch!! But I guess it's better than paying a $300 fine for being young and stupid (ie. Hanging waist deep out of a car window to retrieve keys from another car's roof..at 30 miles an hour..)
It was apparent that the judge was trying to stall until the officers from all the cases got there. I overheard him bullshitting about the Super Bowl with the bailiff and I'm damn sure I saw him playing Solitaire on his computer between cases...WTF?? When it was clear that none of them were going to show up, he started dismissing cases (woo hoo!!). I thought I saw the cop in my case but turns out, that was a man..oops.
One lady got a $280 ticket for driving without her headlights...damn..she told me in the hallway that she would fight it "to the death"...he dismissed hers and reminded her to, next time, turn her lights on..I guess that was his attempt at brevity.
The clerk called my name..or at least it was a form of my name..with an R in it...my name does not contain an R...and asked if I was pleading guilty, not guilty or no lo contendre...NOT GUILTY SIR!!! and by the way..are you saying *blank*?? (I really wish I was using my real name in this blog so you could see just how bad he was fucking my name up). Clerk dude claimed that he indeed was calling me and told me to wait..some more.
Finally the judge called another jacked up form of my name..this time with an O and a U..and an I (??) and I went to the podium...'bout time ass nose..I was the second to the last person left in the courtroom!!! Judge: Miss blankety blank...how do you plead to the charge of Improper Lane Change? Me: Not Guilty, your Honor Judge: Have a nice day Me: ummm..er..ok, thank you!!!
Talk about *whew*, that saved me $130..that I still didn't have. I guess that sometimes it pays to stall....
I found myself watching Bad Girls Club on Oxygen the other day..I hate that I tend to get pulled in by these bulshitty shows..but I was bored.
There's this girl on there named Tanisha..where should I start? She's loud, rude and ridiculous...and on top of all of that she wears sadly inappropriate clothing..
I know what you're saying: "Linka, that sound JUST like YOU!!"
Well the difference with me is that I WEAR CLOTHES THAT FIT!!!! One of my biggest pet peeves is when us big girls refuse to believe that we could possibly be fat. You've seen them before...wearing a size 13 when they know damn well they should be in a size 18..or 30.
My co-worker has this "disease"...poor thing looks like a sausage at least 4 times a week. I tried to get her to talk about shopping for clothes one day and she told me that she "refuses to buy clothes in the size she is now..because she anticipates losing a lot of weight"...that was 2 years ago..she's still fat. (She's one of those people that used to be "fine"..in the 70's) If I had a camera phone, I would show you a picture of this top she wears..the buttons, oh the buttons are BARELY hanging on..literally by a thread. I'm pretty sure she invented the Muffin Top....po' chiiile'.
Maybe it's just me, but I don't think it's my duty to assault you with a daily view of my back fat and ass cellulite by wearing cheap knit clothing...if I could just get a loan for liposuction everything would be fine....
I want to pull Tanisha to the side and give her some wardrobe advice..."Look Tanisha, they make this in a size 20..let's try it on.."