Monday, January 28, 2008

Adventures In Babysitting or Auntie Daycare

Well somehow we're all still alive..
My Pregnant Friend With The Hollow Leg and Inappropriate Tool Guy have a 1 year old baby I call Lil' Bit.
We babysat Lil' Bit this weekend..oh that poor child... They'd actually asked us to watch her over two weeks ago but TOH kept stalling and making excuses until a couple of days ago..(that's SO "him")...TOH was supposed to watch her while I was at work on Sat. but he conveniently scheduled himself to be in a class for 8 hours a day on Saturday AND Sunday..great.
Since I'd already changed my work schedule to be off , I figured we'd go ahead as planned.
They dropped her off on Saturday afternoon with all of her paraphernalia..good lord!! A whole bin of toys, a car seat, diapers, two changes of clothes, pajamas in various colors, 23,000 bottles, bibs, a HUGE bucket of formula, snacks, yogurt, juice, baby food...and a partridge in a pear tree.
She let me hold her but basically gave me the hairy eyeball for about 20 minutes after they left. I'm sure she was probably thinking: "Hmm, she's about the same color as my mama..but she's bigger..and what's with all that curly crap on the top of her head??" Babies tend to stare at me a lot - my child psychologist friend says that it's because babies like to look at beautiful, symmetrical faces - I think it's because I have big tits..but oh well.
We played with Chicken Dance Elmo - Did I tell you that I love Elmo like a boyfriend??? - and this weird talking Barney thing. Then she flung really hard sharp edged letters and shapes from a barn thingie at me..oh, she thought that was heeeelarious, I learned to duck quicker.
Flinging things was the theme of the weekend - she toddled her way around the coffee table over to my magazines, perused them for a second then FLUNG ALL OF THEM onto the floor..and then threw her head back and laughed the evilest little laugh I have ever heard..scary huh?
Then we walked to the mailbox with her little scooter/walker thing. On the way back, I put the mail in the bucket seat part and when we got inside, she picked out each piece, looked at it for a second then FLUNG it across the foyer..Lil' Bit, I too do that when I look at the bills.
She started to rub her eyes..yay..time for sleep!! I gave her a bottle and encased her in my bumper/barrier creation of pillows on our king size bed..(I'm not even sure where all those pillows even came from)

This seemed like a great idea until I realized that at a year old, she could EASILY climb over them..oh well, she slept for three hours but I can't imagine how because her father called approx EVERY 50 MINUTES!!! I assured him each time that she was still alive..I'm surprised that he didn't make me prove it.

After a while I figured that I should wake her up and feed her or something so I tried to..she gave me the drowsy "go to hell" look and I left her alone...I should have used this time to get some things done around the house but I felt this weird urge to check on her every 20 seconds to make sure that she was breathing...I'm sure this will get worse when I have my own child...does that feeling EVER go away??

She finally woke up after TOH got home..screaming bloody murder of course...he tried to console her but she wasn't having it. She flung a very full bottle of milk at us then we tried to make nice with her and the Chicken Dance Elmo but she just looked over at us, poked her lip out, squared that lip up and screamed and cried and kicked...did I tell that I can't take crying?? It's like the baby is reaching into my soul or something..TOH saw me about to cry too and he picked her up..they took a tour of the kitchen, flipped through an O magazine on the counter and she seemed to calm down..Oprah saves the day, as usual.

Her dad called again and offered to come pick her up that evening..TOH told him not to call again..hilarious, him and TOH are like brothers and guys don't get their feelings hurt like women do I guess.

I changed her again and she sat with TOH and watched TV for about 2 cute, laid back with her feet crossed, holding a bottle... just like him.
Her parents called and I asked when we should put her to bed and they said we should bathe her at around 8:30 and she should be sleepy by 9:00...but Cops was on and well...TOH had to make me get the progress started..can you tell what kind of mom I'll be??

TOH ran the water while I tried to figure out just how soon to undress her to avoid pee on the floor..or on me..she seemed happy in the bath...until we got the camera out..she definitely was NOT ready for her close up and... insert more screaming here.
You should seen the fiasco of TOH trying to put her pajamas on..remind me to buy a doll for him to practice on (that seemed less dirty before I typed it).

We all settled in for bed, I was ready for a bottle too but refrained...she seemed happy for a while in between us but started to kick us in her sleep...she basically turned in to a miniature version of TOH - snoring, farting, and bed hogging included.

He bailed out at around 2:00am and headed towards the guest room..uh, thanks??
I found myself doing the "breathing check" thing for the next two hours until I passed out from sleep deprivation..only to be awakened at 4:30am by, yes you guessed it, more screaming..TOH came running and with every light in the state on, we tried to console her...poor thing.
When I went to change her I noticed that the poor baby had shit 2 very large cannon balls..I'm serious, they were heavy and everything..WTF?? I guess if those things came out of me, I'd scream in the middle of the night too.
All clean and ten pounds lighter, she slept until TOH left for class at 7:30...she gave him the drowsy, hairy eyeball.."Hmm, you're the same color as my daddy..bigger though..."
We went back to sleep until, yep, her parents called to see if we'd killed her overnight..happy to report that she still had a heartbeat, I woke her up a little while later, fed her some yogurt and a bottle (yeck, so much dairy).
Speaking of yogurt, the night before, TOH called from Whole Foods to tell me that he was buying organic yogurt for the baby..I told him that she already had Trix yogurt in the fridge and he completely lost his shit.."Trix??? I'm buying HEALTHY and ORGANIC for her!!! You can't be serious suggesting I buy her that shit" (This coming from a man who smokes cigars like a chimney and drinks vodka on weekends..and weekdays...) funny thing, when I read the label on his healthy yogurt, it had 35 grams of sugar in it..we might as well let her have a whole can of root beer.

Anywhoooo, we got through the rest of the afternoon with no problems..She was a little clingy and was screaming again after I fed her, I checked her diaper and this time she had THREE big cannonball poops..good lord, child!!
I called my mom and she said that the baby was probably dehydrated and that I should make her drink water..she wouldn't drink it out of her bottle so I gave it to her in a was mostly all over her shirt though.

We played Hair and Fashion Show..she mostly looked at me like I was an idiot as I pranced around....being a girl is fun.
Her dad picked her up later that day..poor man seemed so relieved..It was finally quiet but I missed her so much..!!

Saturday, January 26, 2008

If You Are Spelling It LaBtop..You Are Stupid

I was reviewing a call entered by one of of temps..(we'll call her Dufus for the purpose of this entry) typed a description similar to: Labtop running slowly. I figured that surely this is just a typo but then I remembered hearing a rumor that during training, Dufus was extremely defiant and resistant with the "seasoned employees" that were trying to help her acclimate..and that she used the word Labtop ALL THE TIME....Dufus, strangely, is a know-it-all...hmm

I then (because I'm a mean bitch) took the time to search our call database for any time that she had used the word labtop..and to my surprise, she so far has only typed it in the main description 15 times since last August (searching further would have taken longer and I was tired and hungry).
The sad part was that OTHER people in this company use that word in the main description of calls too..242 fucking times so far..this year...these people CAN'T be serious!!!

Is it that hard to learn a new word?? That is about as dumb as someone who says:

French Benefits instead of Fringe Benefits
Pacific instead of Specific
Effected instead of Affected

I could go on, but like I said, I'm tired and hungry....

Friday, January 25, 2008

Because We're Stupid, That's Why

We moved into the new condo in October and since November we've noticed that our master bedroom is about 15 degrees colder or hotter than the rest of the place...we racked our little brains trying to figure it out (maybe the vents are blocked..etc, etc..) but by the time it was REALLY winter-time, we ended up either:

1. Sleeping with a space heater in the room (a really bright and loud one thankyouverymuch)
2. Sleeping in the guest room 4 times a week(on a hateful, nearly twin size bed that the devil stores his pitch forks in and who's sheets don't quite fit so I've had to use those bullshit garter belt things, I nearly lost an eye last week when one popped off)
3. Cranking up the heat (Gas bill approx 7 million dollars)

The other day, I was fishing behind my nightstand for a cup (don't ask) when I noticed a slight breeze coming from the window sill..hmm.."this place sure is drafty", I said..then I pulled up the wooden blinds and noticed that....THE WINDOW WAS OPEN ABOUT A 1/2 OF AN INCH!!! What in the blue fuck??...sadly, the window on TOH's side was the same could we have gone 4 months without noticing that?? (Please see the title of this post for an explanation)

I then vaguely remembered that when we were touring rental properties in September, this one's power was off and that the WINDOWS WERE OPEN for the time we moved in, someone had "closed" the windows but hadn't quite "locked" them.

Well, because I am Barbara Vila, I locked the windows, thus blocking out the cold air..Tah fucking more cold master bedroom...yes, I went to college for 4 whole months!!

I told TOH what I did and then we took a tour of the now warm bedroom..He looks over at me and says: "We're kinda stupid huh?"

Yes, TOH..we sure are.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Belly..Remember Him??

Belly stopped by our lowly little cube farm today..yay for us??

He was actually giving some really good financial advice but the whole time, all I could think of was how he looked like the Full Moon from the Jimmy Dean just GOTTA watch that video and laugh 'till you pee like I did..

Do it, it's important dammmit!!!

Whew..that was rough..I apologize..PMS ya know.

He seems to be enjoying the divorced life..even though his ex-wife won't go away. She had a cell phone turned on in his name..and then called him from it!!! dirty huh? She doesn't seem to be as stupid as he says she is.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

So Embarrassed...Look, I Have A New Son

Wonder why I've been depressed???

Well, last week, TOH said that our neighbor from downstairs stopped him and gave him a mechanic's business card since she'd seen me working on my car in the parking lot. The problem is...she said: "Tell your mom that he's a really reasonable..blah blah blah"

Tell. Your. MOM.

What the fuck??? Granted, the 2 times that she has actually seen me, I WAS looking pretty makeup, sweat pants and all..but do I really look like a grown fucking man's MOTHER???

I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and think that maybe it's because TOH dresses a little "young".. he jeans are a little baggy..nothing like this... but baggy still..maybe it's the boots..or the baseball caps (NOT turned the back..thank god)...he DOES have a diamond stud earring and a puffy Sean John vest..yeah, maybe that's it...

But I just couldn't get over it...I must look like an old hag if she thinks he's my son..yeck

Then if that wasn't bad enough, I saw her yesterday..on my day off..early in the morning after dropping TOH off at work...again, no my in all directions and an old, crappy coat (SHIT!!). I tried to duck in the doorway and act like I didn't see her but I made the mistake of making eye contact (DOUBLE SHIT!!)
She says:
Neighbor Lady: Good morning!!! Did your son give you that business card??
Me: (Fuckety fuck) Uh..huh..wha?
Neighbor Lady: The card..for the mechanic
Me: oh...yea, I got it..thanks
At this point she starts going on and on about the mechanic and how great he is..whatever...I'm standing there all mad at myself, number one, for not correcting her and number two, still feeling depressed about "looking" that old to someone.

I guess I didn't want to embarrass her...I am SO damned stupid sometimes.

Friday, January 18, 2008

A Bitch By Any Other Name...

Last night I was thinking about all the crazy people that I have come across while working retail/customer service.
The common theme that seems to come up is the word "Bitch". I used to get offended but now I've learned to laugh at people when they call me one..a defense mechanism maybe??

Anywayssss, occasionally I work at nightclubs as a cashier..yay, belligerent drunk people!!!

My policy is to not put up with shit such as:

Asking me what the cover is when the sign is right in front of you
Handing me balled up money (Strippers and Dope Boys have a bad habit of doing that)
Screaming at me
Leaning on the counter to flirt and hope I let you in for free (either pay me or get the fuck on already)
Asking to speak to the manager, again to try to get in free..knowing full well that you don't know him

During most shifts I will be called some form of bitch at least 5 times a night..on a slow night, that is.

Bitches I've been called:

Fat Bitch - pretty basic and unimaginative if you ask me
Stupid Bitch
Dumb Bitch
Stank Bitch
Fuck Bitch
Fucking Bitch
Black Bitch - again, so obvious
Just Plain ole' Bitch
Retarded Bitch
Mean Bitch - well that one's true...
Nappy Headed Bitch - Not to be confused with Don Imus and the Nappy Headed Hoes
Curly Headed Bitch
Assy Bitch - ??? At first I thought he said Gassy Bitch..and I laughed
Fine Bitch - Maybe they meant Fine,Bitch but I took it as a compliment at the time
Bourgie Bitch
Super Bitch - Wow, a superhero, I'm flattered

Then a guy called me a combination of at least 10 of these in ONE BREATH..frankly, I was impressed. He was soooo mad because I wouldn't let him in with the $6 he tried to hand me.

My parting motto has become:

Oh well, at least THIS bitch is inside the club...thanks for comin' out!! And then I wave and smile my best pageant smile (That ALWAYS pisses them off)

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Now You Can Add Racist To The List Of Things You Call Me Behind My Back

Working retail is bullshit...

So I'm at my part time job on Monday..actually having a good time dancing and singing like we usually do when it's not busy when in walks in the Asshole of the day (AOTD).

AOTD: I need to return these sneakers
Me: Yes sir, I'll need to see your driver's license and your receipt
AOTD: I ain't got those
Me: Um, well sir, I'll need those in order to do your return
AOTD: I don't have an ID..I don't carry no damn ID! Why I gotta have that shit?
Me: Sir, It's our policy....

Now my floor supervisor walks up and tries to help and I find the receipt in the bag. My floor sup asks him for his ID again and he goes through his whole belligerent speech again and the poor girl starts to ask questions
Floor Sup: Do you have an id in the car?
AOTD: nope
Floor Sup: Maybe at home
AOTD: Dammit, I said no!
Floor Sup: Well I'm sorry, we won't be able to handle your return
AOTD: I'll go out to the car and have my damn wife bring HER id in..will that help y'all??!!!
Me and Floor Sup: Sure, great, thanks

Meanwhile I'm standing there thinking "what jackass, let alone a grown ass man, doesn't have ANY form of id on them..ever?"

A few minutes later this huge woman comes bounding in..I know she's pissed because it looks like she has a hard time walking..poor thing

She throws her ID on the counter and since I'm SUPPOSED to be nice to the customers, so I just say "thank you". I start to process her return and she starts her own line of bullshit by asking why we need to see her ID..*sigh*

Me: Ma'am, it's our policy since we've had some return abuse in the past...
AOTD's Wife: *snapping teeth* Well it's just stupid..we have a receipt and we paid cash..
Me: I understand, I'll get your money to you in just a second...
AOTD's Wife: Where the hell does it say that I have t have an ID to return something
Me: Here, and here..(Showing her the very large sign at the register and the text on the back of her receipt)
She of course then notices the old signage attached to the countertop that does NOT mention the ID policy..
AOTD's Wife: Well it doesn't say anything right here!!!!! Oh, and it says you have the "right" but that means that you don't really HAVE to ask for ID, (here's the motherfuckin' kicker) YOU'RE JUST DOING IT BECAUSE IT'S US!!! BECAUSE OF OUR COLOR!!

Ok, let me eesplain sunting to yoo, before this lady even came in, the floor sup (who is white) had already left..I was the only one standing there..and I'm black..blacker than her in fact...but now I'm "tha man"., that's not why...uh..please sign here
AOTD: You companies just don't want us to have our money back..that's all it just standin' there "following policy" and shit

Ok, so now I'm pissed

Me: Sir, I'm GIVING you your money back..I really don't feel like getting fired over a simple, easy to follow policy ok??
AOTD: Oh, why you scared of gettin' fired huh??
Me: (thinking) what in the blue fuck are you talking about??
Me: (doing my BEST fake smile) Ok, here's your refund of $91.80, thanks for coming in..buh bye!
Now keep in mind, the entire time I'm doing my thing, they NEVER shut up. The two of them have come up with every conspiracy theory in the book and they CONTINUED to talk shit all the way out the door...

I swear to god, I almost followed them out to their car to slap them.
People kill me with that bullshit...if a store wanted me to stand on the counter and shoot bottle rockets out of my ass for a cash refund, I'd do it..what's the big deal??

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Things To Watch At 6:30 am...On A Saturday

So I woke up from having a nightmare about someone stealing my beloved (albeit currently broken down in the parking lot) car....

I tried to go back to sleep but being the insomniac that I am, decided to watch TV. I found an HBO Documentary called Shelter Dogs.

Ok, I've never thought of myself as one of "those dog people" that would rather feed their dog than feed their kids but OH. MY. GOD. I found myself openly sobbing over this black cocker spaniel named Beau. Poor Beau had been passed from home to home because he attacked another dog. The old guy that left him there seemed to be sick of his ass but said that he was "good with kids"..yeah right..So the shelter's director Sue Sternberg knew right away that he was not placeable but did a temperament test on him anyway by trying to look at his teeth..Beau was not havin' it and gave her the stare down/growl thing.
The other shelter employees thought that he should at least have a chance to redeem himself so they kept for a couple of weeks. The next time they showed him, he was all cute and groomed..too bad he was still vicious though.
Sue videotaped herself using the fake hand thing around his food bowl and Beau completely lost his shit and took chunks out of the "hand"..*Insert more crying from me here*. The next scene showed him in the back of the SUV heading to McDonald's with Sue. Sue believes that if dogs could talk, they'd say that they wanted something meaty and greasy to eat before they died so that's what she does for them.
After eating his mcnuggets, poor Beau was put to sleep by the vet. I swear, I felt like he was mine.

And if that story wasn't horrible enough, there was this dog named Agnes. Agnes was old and her old owner died so she ended up in the shelter..all old and sweet and cute, Agnes held on as long as she could but she had heart disease and they had to put her down, I'll spare you the details but they buried her on the premises and I was a fucking mess.

Oh, but wait!! It just gets sadder....There was a doberman named Fred..Fred is my new boyfriend but he was diagnosed with a spinal disease that would eventually make him paralyzed..go ahead, rip your own heart out over THAT one. The shelter owner debated whether or not she should put him down but the other workers felt he deserved a chance too. 3 months in a neck brace and Fred seems fine..clumsy as all hell but still fine. He was even placed with a family after all that..I'm going to steal Fred...

After all that crying, I switched to Taxicab about hilarious..Between the Transsexual hooker who since removing his testicles has the worst PMS and crying jags and the "newly" gay guy who only screws guys now because he feels that "Women should be placed on a pedestal"..(huh?), I wasn't sure what was funnier. But my favorite statement was from a woman who after finding out that she was on the show, tried to give the female driver some money. The driver tried to refuse it and the passenger said: No, take this for WOMEN!! And don't let anybody fuck with you..Just hit 'em with your heel..

That's going to be my motto for the rest of the year.

Friday, January 11, 2008

New Music Friday

It's new to me at least....

I found this artist Mutya Buena (Ex Sugarbabe) and she seems pretty cool. Her voice reminds of Pink back in the days when she was considered "R&B".

Please click on the links (I'd really like to embed the videos in this post but shit just doesn't quite work out like that here at my place of employment)

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Welcome To Traffic Court..The Third Rung Of Hell

Traffic Court can suck it....

A couple of months ago, I got a ticket for Improper Lane Change..WTF is that?? I STILL don't know because the cop never explained it..I was trying to get to a really inconvenient meeting for my part-time job...on a 6:30pm...bastards...when the next thing I know, I see the "blue lights".
Great, now what? The cop walked up to the car and says: Where ya tryin' to get to?
I told her about the meeting and she just nods and takes my license back to her car..after checking me out for warrants and such she comes back with that damned metal box ticketety thing...shit...she said some shit about me changing lanes a lot (not that I didn't signal, or that I was being reckless, just that I was changing a lot) and that since she couldn't get me for speeding, that she would get me for Improper Lane Change....huh?
I asked her if this was going to be expensive and she claimed to "not know" but that she was sure that it was one of the "lesser ones"..whatever, broad.
If you know the part of town she caught me in, you know that it is filled to the fucking brim with bad drivers, mostly people who haven't driven in this country before, if ya know what I mean. It's ABSOLUTELY NECCESARY to change lanes going through there to avoid "bullshit and foolishness" unless you like having a wrecked car!!!!

So anyway, after checking on the ticket via the automated system for 2 FUCKING MONTHS, it finally registered (3 days before my court date) and the computer voice kindly informed me that the fine would be $136.00...uh, what? I nearly shit myself.

For some reason, I decided that going to Traffic Court (Otherwise known as Recorders Court)would be some sort of good idea..I was wrong thankyouverymuch.
I, of course could not find a parking space, 'cuz that would be great, so I "made" a parking space in this weird half mud/half gravel lot. Then when I walked up to the place it looked light a nightclub..there was actually a line to get in..almost wrapping around the buliding..what kind of fresh bullshit is this??
Oh great, metal detectors..the poor guy in front of me got screamed at for holding up the line and had his little bowl snatched up..the deputies here are fucking miserable..after sitting in a room full of stink for 10 minutes, I realized that I was in the wrong damn room..fucking I skulked into the right room and sat there for an hour, I then began to worry about not being able to pay my fine that day. It seems that every "deal" the judge was offering the crowd, didn't quite fit my situation..towards the end I just plead Not Guilty to buy more time. When I walked up to the solicitor/clerk/bitch and asked her if I could possibly speak to the judge, she SCREAMED at me: "NO!!".....uh, what bitch?
I was so surprised by this that I just stuttered "excuse me?"
solicitor/clerk/bitch: I said you can talk to the judge when it's your court date
me: uh..ok
I was so fucking embarassed..I should have slapped her...but then the bailiff would have had to shoot me..more problems.

So really long story short, I have to wait for a mailing to tell me when my next court date is..that's when the cop gets to show up and make me look stupid..yay me.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Life Is....

I thought since I was at work, exploiting company resources (i.e. the really fast laser printer and copy machine), I should post something.


Life is a shit sandwich, eat it or starve!!!

True, so very true....

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Happy New Year????

Back to work..yay..whatever.

I had my family over for New Year's Eve, New Year's Day..and the next day...needless to say, I'm one tired bitch.

It was mostly a blur but I do remember being pissed at TOH for most of it...not exactly sure why..maybe it was the fact that he went out on New fuckin' Year's Eve with one of his buddies while we had a house full of people..huh?
He claimed that he'd informed of this little tidbit DAYS ago and that somehow, I had agreed to it..bullshit
I freaked out and told him as such and he just stood there and looked at me like I was usual.
He went out anyway and I drank a lot of frozen margaritas with my mom. I'm not sure when he got home (didn't care at that point) but I had a hangover the next morning so that definitely did not help my attitude.

Before I could make breakfast for the horde, I had to keep myself from choking TOH because before he went to bed, he decided to put about 5000 pounds of pork on "foil lined" cookie sheets to cook overnight..

pork + really shallow cookie sheets = greasy fucking mess all over the oven

He thought that wiping down the oven DOOR would make it all better...he neglected to notice the 4 inches of pork grease on the oven floor....note to self: smoke alarms are noisy and my husband seems to be on crack.

mmm..pork smoked tasty

Why is it that when you provide your family members with perfectly good, sturdy, clear plastic-ware and nice paper Chinet plates, you STILL end up running three full dishwasher loads of silverware and stoneware plates???


anywhoooo..somehow, last night I pulled a groin muscle while sleeping..maybe TOH was trying to "get some" overnight and I locked my crotch area down subconsciously..I'm finding it hard to walk...people are making jokes about how I " must have had a GREAT weekend"....let's kill them.