Well somehow we're all still alive..
My Pregnant Friend With The Hollow Leg and Inappropriate Tool Guy have a 1 year old baby I call Lil' Bit.
We babysat Lil' Bit this weekend..oh that poor child... They'd actually asked us to watch her over two weeks ago but TOH kept stalling and making excuses until a couple of days ago..(that's SO "him")...TOH was supposed to watch her while I was at work on Sat. but he conveniently scheduled himself to be in a class for 8 hours a day on Saturday AND Sunday..great.
Since I'd already changed my work schedule to be off , I figured we'd go ahead as planned.
They dropped her off on Saturday afternoon with all of her paraphernalia..good lord!! A whole bin of toys, a car seat, diapers, two changes of clothes, pajamas in various colors, 23,000 bottles, bibs, a HUGE bucket of formula, snacks, yogurt, juice, baby food...and a partridge in a pear tree.
She let me hold her but basically gave me the hairy eyeball for about 20 minutes after they left. I'm sure she was probably thinking: "Hmm, she's about the same color as my mama..but she's bigger..and what's with all that curly crap on the top of her head??" Babies tend to stare at me a lot - my child psychologist friend says that it's because babies like to look at beautiful, symmetrical faces - I think it's because I have big tits..but oh well.
We played with Chicken Dance Elmo - Did I tell you that I love Elmo like a boyfriend??? - and this weird talking Barney thing. Then she flung really hard sharp edged letters and shapes from a barn thingie at me..oh, she thought that was heeeelarious, I learned to duck quicker.
Flinging things was the theme of the weekend - she toddled her way around the coffee table over to my magazines, perused them for a second then FLUNG ALL OF THEM onto the floor..and then threw her head back and laughed the evilest little laugh I have ever heard..scary huh?
Then we walked to the mailbox with her little scooter/walker thing. On the way back, I put the mail in the bucket seat part and when we got inside, she picked out each piece, looked at it for a second then FLUNG it across the foyer..Lil' Bit, I too do that when I look at the bills.
She started to rub her eyes..yay..time for sleep!! I gave her a bottle and encased her in my bumper/barrier creation of pillows on our king size bed..(I'm not even sure where all those pillows even came from)
This seemed like a great idea until I realized that at a year old, she could EASILY climb over them..oh well, she slept for three hours but I can't imagine how because her father called approx EVERY 50 MINUTES!!! I assured him each time that she was still alive..I'm surprised that he didn't make me prove it.
After a while I figured that I should wake her up and feed her or something so I tried to..she gave me the drowsy "go to hell" look and I left her alone...I should have used this time to get some things done around the house but I felt this weird urge to check on her every 20 seconds to make sure that she was breathing...I'm sure this will get worse when I have my own child...does that feeling EVER go away??
She finally woke up after TOH got home..screaming bloody murder of course...he tried to console her but she wasn't having it. She flung a very full bottle of milk at us then we tried to make nice with her and the Chicken Dance Elmo but she just looked over at us, poked her lip out, squared that lip up and screamed and cried and kicked...did I tell that I can't take crying?? It's like the baby is reaching into my soul or something..TOH saw me about to cry too and he picked her up..they took a tour of the kitchen, flipped through an O magazine on the counter and she seemed to calm down..Oprah saves the day, as usual.
Her dad called again and offered to come pick her up that evening..TOH told him not to call again..hilarious, him and TOH are like brothers and guys don't get their feelings hurt like women do I guess.
I changed her again and she sat with TOH and watched TV for about 2 hours..so cute, laid back with her feet crossed, holding a bottle... just like him.
Her parents called and I asked when we should put her to bed and they said we should bathe her at around 8:30 and she should be sleepy by 9:00...but Cops was on and well...TOH had to make me get the progress started..can you tell what kind of mom I'll be??
TOH ran the water while I tried to figure out just how soon to undress her to avoid pee on the floor..or on me..she seemed happy in the bath...until we got the camera out..she definitely was NOT ready for her close up and... insert more screaming here.
You should seen the fiasco of TOH trying to put her pajamas on..remind me to buy a doll for him to practice on (that seemed less dirty before I typed it).
We all settled in for bed, I was ready for a bottle too but refrained...she seemed happy for a while in between us but started to kick us in her sleep...she basically turned in to a miniature version of TOH - snoring, farting, and bed hogging included.
He bailed out at around 2:00am and headed towards the guest room..uh, thanks??
I found myself doing the "breathing check" thing for the next two hours until I passed out from sleep deprivation..only to be awakened at 4:30am by, yes you guessed it, more screaming..TOH came running and with every light in the state on, we tried to console her...poor thing.
When I went to change her I noticed that the poor baby had shit 2 very large cannon balls..I'm serious, they were heavy and everything..WTF?? I guess if those things came out of me, I'd scream in the middle of the night too.
All clean and ten pounds lighter, she slept until TOH left for class at 7:30...she gave him the drowsy, hairy eyeball.."Hmm, you're the same color as my daddy..bigger though..."
We went back to sleep until, yep, her parents called to see if we'd killed her overnight..happy to report that she still had a heartbeat, I woke her up a little while later, fed her some yogurt and a bottle (yeck, so much dairy).
Speaking of yogurt, the night before, TOH called from Whole Foods to tell me that he was buying organic yogurt for the baby..I told him that she already had Trix yogurt in the fridge and he completely lost his shit.."Trix??? I'm buying HEALTHY and ORGANIC for her!!! You can't be serious suggesting I buy her that shit" (This coming from a man who smokes cigars like a chimney and drinks vodka on weekends..and weekdays...) funny thing, when I read the label on his healthy yogurt, it had 35 grams of sugar in it..we might as well let her have a whole can of root beer.
Anywhoooo, we got through the rest of the afternoon with no problems..She was a little clingy and was screaming again after I fed her, I checked her diaper and this time she had THREE big cannonball poops..good lord, child!!
I called my mom and she said that the baby was probably dehydrated and that I should make her drink water..she wouldn't drink it out of her bottle so I gave it to her in a cup..it was mostly all over her shirt though.
We played Hair and Fashion Show..she mostly looked at me like I was an idiot as I pranced around....being a girl is fun.
Her dad picked her up later that day..poor man seemed so relieved..It was finally quiet but I missed her so much..