Friday, November 30, 2007

Leave Me Alone, I'm Crafting!!

So I haven't posted anything in a couple or few days..I'm busy making christmas cards..yes, I'm a crafter and I'm proud of it..sometimes.

I made the mistake of bringing my Sizzix machine in to would have thought I bought a purple, double ended dildo in or something...oh, and Meat Hooks nearly lost his shit when he saw it...."ooooh Linka...what's THAT??"
I noticed yesterday that someone had been touching and moving shit on my desk (yes, I have a knack for that)..It was probably his stupid ass, and yes, I DID wipe the handle down with antibacterial wipes..and acid.

Maybe if I get up the courage, I'll post some pics of my cards..maybe.

Saturday, November 24, 2007


I hope everyone had a great holiday..mine, as usual was hectic.

Me, TOH and a gaggle of others (TOH's best friend, his friend's wife(of Cold Stone Nastery fame), their baby, his wife's sister, her two kids and their cousin) headed out to TOH's hometown on Thursday morning..great, a 3 car the rain..oh, good times.

It was good to see the in-laws (they soil me and TOH is jealous..ha ha) but I can only stay in the country a couple of days before all that nature starts to get on my nerves..what the fuck could those crickets NEED at this time of night...are those gunshots..again??..WTF??

I knew that we would be doing the whole Black Friday thing again..and this year we had a four-person crew.
Why oh why do I subject myself to this every year you say?...$3.98 crock pots from Wal-Mart, that's why dammit!!
And if that wasn't bad enough, Lowes had bigger, prettier, name brandier ones for $9.99 for shit's sake..somehow we ended buying 5 of of which is to be wrapped up and given to me and my friend's sister for friend wants us to feign surprise and glee when we open them on Christmas day..yes, we're weird like that.
Ok so the list went:
Wal Mart - Which was a surprisingly smooth shopping experience AND checkout was a fucking dream..who knew??
Lowes - Did I mention $9.99 Crock Pots??..oh yeah, I did
Target - Talk about cluster-fuck..we were in line FOREVER..actually we split up into two lines because we figured we had some sort of system..we're dumb though..I got a $6 top and some Carmex..what a waste.
Michael's - Woo Hoo..$5 collage frames, with a 20% coupon!!
Home Depot - My friend's cousin bought a pneumatic nailer and a table saw...looks dangerous but You Go Girl!!
Old Navy - Even though they're bastards for discontinuing the Plus Size stuff in the stores, I found some really cute cords in the Misses section that fit perfectly for $15 a pair..O had to buy them in 3 different colors..Spender's Anonymous here I come...but thank god, we missed the "morning rush" this time. Last year we stood in line for 45 minutes.
Various Stores In Some Rinky Dink Backwoods Mall - I was so delirious from sleep deprivation at this point, I'm not even sure if I bought anything..wait!!
Ashley Stewart - A lot of things in this store look like something out a black gospel church fashion show (feathers and zebra print and such) but I found a rack labeled $ heart started to beat hard..why am I sweating?? Because I found two "$40" dresses on that rack, that's why!!
Goodwill..two of them - My friend is all about the Goodwill store. I appreciate that they all smell good, unlike most thrift stores that smell like stale ass.
Staples - they can go straight to hell..I've been eyeballing a Panasonic phone system for a year now (our current piece of Motorola bullshit has gone all defective on us..the "on" and several other important buttons no longer function) and good god!! I saw that they had one listed for $50 in their sales flyer! *clutching the pearls* so I nag and complain the whole morning so that my friend will NOT miss this store and when I get there..they only have ONE I take it up to the front to check out and the broad says "That comes to $98.60", uh..como se wha? Then she tries to hand me some "Easy Rebate" card bullshit..I had to catch myself from choking her and cursing loudly and said "what's this?".."Uh, that's how you get it for $50..and it may take 4-5 weeks"..let's just say I needed a "time out" in the car for a while after that...with no phone

Honorable Mentions:
Circuit City and Best Buy - (You've got to be kidding me right?..these hell pits are crowded on a REGULAR day, so we just drove by and pointed and laughed at the dummies camping out)
Linens-N-Things - sigh...I couldn't even afford the bedding when it was on sale for shit's sake..being poor is SO not cute.

I wanted to hit a couple of more stores but at that point, we had been in and out of an over-packed, over-crowded crossover SUV for more than 8 hours and everyone was tired, loopy and hungry. Then we got into a "discussion" about children and parental discipline..I'm sure I would have been better off starting a conversation about the joys of abortion with a pro-lifer.

I could feel a fist fight brewing..time to drive an hour back to my Mother-in-law's house in the backwoods of hell and nap..and eat..and nap again because being a tech support slave, I had to be back to work on Saturday morning..fuckers.

I drove the four hours back home BY MYSELF but not before visiting MIL at the store where she works and racking up on cute stuff..which she paid for "because your birthday is next month", she said (Did I mention that I just LOUURRVE my MIL??) ..TOH stayed behind to visit with his family and they've been mad at him all weekend for letting me go back alone..nanny nanny boo boo, they like ME more than you (sorry, I'm sleepy).

And wouldn't ya know that when I tried to call everyone to tell them that I made it home safely, the aforementioned piece of shit phone seems to have sensed that I was flirting with a new phone and decided to go completely bat the "2" and "5" buttons must be jammed until your finger least I can call 911..oh wait, no I can't because the fucking "On" button won't allow you to!!!..great...happiness.

Friday, November 16, 2007

What Next??...Locusts

Well if the whole "living without hot water for a whole damn week" ordeal was not enough, now we've got a fucking flood in the kitchen..great.

TWO NIGHTS ago, I noticed that when I was rinsing a dish, the water on both sides of the sink started to rise..what the?
So I turned on the garbage disposal...bad idea, water shot 3 feet in the air on the other side of the sink.
Then the dishwasher started to fill with backed up, black, sink water..mmm, tasty.
I freaked out, called TOH who was out drinking with friends..yeah, I Well, I told (demanded) him to bring some Draino home..of course he forgot to..then claimed that I never asked him to..huh?


I called the land-lady and told her to have a plumber sent out ASAP..obviously ASAP doesn't mean what I think it does because she hemmed and hawed ALL the next day speculating that maybe it was the city's fault..or maybe it was a sewer backup..or maybe aliens did it.
Meanwhile, I've got nasty, smelly, greasy, standing water and filthy dishes a fucking plumber lady!!

Last night at around 11pm (after no word from ANYBODY), I noticed that the water that receded in the sink was now filling up the dishwasher and said water was now FLOWING freely from every crack in the dishwasher..all over the damn floor...* Insert more panic from me here*
I left a frenzied message for that broad and got to work.

While I'm standing there, bailing water like we're on the Titanic, I'm SCREAMING for TOH to help me..and screaming..and TOH..what in the Blue Fuck???
I ran into the bedroom to find his ass sleeping..soundly and peacefully.
Of course I couldn't let this continue so I kicked the frame of the bed..maybe a little too hard..and screamed for him to help me.
"wha..huh? huh wha?" is all he said as he followed me to the kitchen.

More water bailing and cussing from me and all he did was stand there..dazed and confused and pissing me off to the 'nth degree.
I asked him to call the land-lady again and he stood there some more then pressed some buttons on the phone..I'm not exactly sure what the fuck he was doing but then he finally found the number and put it on speaker. Voicemail..of fucking course...he then flings the phone on the counter and stands there some more.
Me: TOH, grab this bucket and dump it outside...
TOH: *Silence*
Before I said something that would potentially end our relationship, I told him that "I had it under control" and for him to go back to bed..I swear, if I didn't love him....

Land-Lady calls back claiming that she 'd been calling "her plumber" all day but his voicemail was full..whatever.
I told her that as usual, I would handle it but that she would have to pay for it.."OK" was all I got....


Of course, the plumber didn't get here until 9:45am (I was supposed to be at work at 9am) and land-lady has him on the phone for 15 minutes, again, attempting to assign blame. She actually waned him to save whatever was blocking the drain so she could see if it came from outside or inside the condo....

Crazy Bitch

He told her that was NOT possible because once he snaked it, it would probably go down the drain anyway..who cares?
Obviously, she does because she kept on...eventually he told her that he had to go.

I watched him undo the P-trap and push out the nastiest block of..ewwness, that I have ever seen.
He said it was probably from NOT HAVING HOT WATER constantly going through the drains but that maybe I shouldn't put grease in the sink..uh, I didn't..but oh well, at least I didn't have to pay the $205 he charged her to snake the pipe which looking back at it, could have been done for WAY cheaper. Again, oh well.

So I guess I'll spend the rest of my evening busting suds..with no help from TOH, of course.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

My Land-Lady Is Strange

Ok so in my last post I talked a little about the cluster-fuck situation that we're in now that we've moved to the new condo...

For the past two months we've had nearly boiling hot water coming out of the hot side of the faucets and we were happy. Last week however, I noticed that the water was not really hot anymore and that it was FREEZING cold in the condo...because I was some sort of handyman in a former life, I decide to look in the utility has a gas gauge on it..funny, so does the heater/furnace..wait, we were never told that there was a gas bill....yeah..the heffa never said a for two full months, we've been under the impression that everything was running on electric..nope

Since we have some "credit issues", none of the major gas companies would accept us..panic mode..finally I was able to get service through something called a regulated provider..basically someone who you have to bend over for..and like it.
We had to put down $150 as a deposit and pay $1.25 per therm...oh did I mention the $9.00 customer service fee??...yeah, happiness.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Eww..The Gym

Me and the ol' ball and chain went to the gym last night..mostly so we could take a hot shower (more on that cluster-fuck situation later).

I walked 1.5 miles on the treadmill - thank God it's getting easier for me to do that distance. Having music and a magazine helps..having big sweaty men stare at you does not. Are they aware that they smell like mule crack??
The Other Half actually did a mile himself...for the first time ever...I believe he thinks the treadmill is girly or something..whatever.

Speaking of smelly, we lifted wights for a while, I am so cock-diesel..uh, not really but it felt good to be able to 1. figure out the weight machines and 2. be able to actually lift the weights.

Let me tell you a little about the ladies locker room in Bally's Total Shitness..I mean Fitness.
Everything in there is either (or a combination of):

Infected looking

And yes, it only cost me $100 per year..$19 a month for the Husband (who rarely goes) So I guess you get what you pay for.

For some reason (oh, how 'bout NO hot water at home) I decided to take a shower in this hell hole..the whole time I was in there, I tried to NOT touch anything or let anything I owned touch anything..yes, quite difficult but after 3 days of whore baths, it was wonderful.

For some reason, I felt like I was in a horror movie though..lonely dark shower room, rusty, dripping fixtures..flimsy shower curtain..the whole time I was nervous that Jason Voorhees would rip the curtain back and slash my throat....but really I was more worried that I would get MRSA from the faucet(notice how that article mentions "athletic situations", yeck).

Note to self:
Burn shower shoes..and towel..and skin

Why do nekked people always feel the need to speak to you in the locker room???

Friday, November 09, 2007

The End Of An Era..sniffle??

Wondering why I haven't posted anything since the 60's??

Well people, I have some bad news to break to you.....

Belly got a promotion will no longer be sitting next to me....

now, put that razor blade down...and come in off the ledge.

First of all I'm pissed that they gave him the job I wanted..assholes. And I'm also pissed that Annoying Old Song Guy (a.k.a Shorty) got one of the coveted positions too. Funny thing is, Shorty CONTINUALLY asks ME tech questions that he should be able to answer himself (being promoted and all)'s a bitch huh?

What ever will I blog about??? There's always the infamous Meat Hooks, I guess.
You should see his stupid ass..walking up and down the aisles of our dept, wishing everyone should see the looks on those poor people's faces..he's lingering far too long at each desk and he's making people uncomfortable....I think he's looking foraging for food like a grizzly bear.

Oh, how I'll miss Belly's fat stomach pressing up against my cubicle wall, and the tit staring, oh, what about the snot whistle and man-giggle?? He has recently added a deep wheezing/whooping cough sound to his laugh that I surely will NOT miss...

okay..really, this bastard needs to just GO AWAY!! Every time you think he's finally gone, the floor starts to shake and you realize that fat-ass is back in your cubicle..or he's "cleaning his cube"....I swear, he has cleaned that fucking thing 12 times today...oh great, now he's back to share some sushi..with A GUY...he's been over there for an hour...yeck..he just said that he would miss us..yeah, you'll miss my big I supposed to cry now or vomit??


Saturday, November 03, 2007

Ewww..May I Vomit?

Belly has gotten so incredibly fat that he was approved for an ergonomically "special" office chair.

Yes, a special, really expensive chair....for a fat ass...did you ever think it could be possible to have a 60 inch WAIST measurement with a 22 inch HIP measurement??..Well, meet Belly. You've got to look at him from the's fucking amazing.

Strangely, I'm jealous of his fabulous new chair..I'm going to request one too..just for shiggles..what?? I'm technically fat too...just not as fat as him... by any stretch.

So today while us Saturday workers were goofing off, I had the sudden urge to sit in the famous just as I was commenting on how comfy it was, my co-worker who'll we'll call Shut Your Damn Mouth, You Evil Bastard says: "You know... that's pretty much like you're sitting in his lap."

*dry heave*

Then as I was lurching/falling forward he adds: "Oh well, now that's like he's hitting you from the back"

*slightly moist heave followed by small amount of vomit in back of throat*

Note to self:
1. Have really cute, cuffed denim capris burned in vat of acid
2. Splash aforementioned acid on back of thighs
3. Schedule skin transplant

Hey, maybe if my thighs are burned, I could get one of those cool cushy chairs like Belly's....hmmm

I bet he'll need one of these soon...look at all the spidery
Oohh, this one is pretty

Friday, November 02, 2007

Enough With The Halloween Posts Already...

I'm still angry about Halloween. It was kind of a waste.

A few weeks ago, I stopped my neighbor, the soccer mom lady and explained that we had just moved in and I was wondering how Halloween "went" around here.
She made this big to-do about how they "Do it big" and how "everybody decorates" oh yeah, and how "there are SO many kids"...

Looks that the heifer lied to me...SHE WASN'T EVEN HOME..ALL NIGHT...should I go over there and slash the tires on her minivan?? Or would that be mean?

Maybe I should set my VERY large bag of UNUSED candy on fire on her doorstep...Yeah, taht sounds better.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

YAAAAAY Halloween...????

4 bags of candy totaling 145 pieces - $12 (Even though I had coupons)

Light-up "Boo" sign thingie - $6.00 (Woo Hoo for clearance racks)

Having EXACTLY 5 children show up to your door - Fucking Priceless

Ok so after I got home from my day of Halloween hell, I was SO excited to see all the cute little babies in their costumes, coming to the door, saying "Trick or Treat, ma'am"....yeah right
Like I said before, 5 kids knocked...2 of them looked like college freshmen..facial hair and all.
I joked with one of them about being too old and he hung his head in shame and blamed his little brother for "making" him come over...I gave him candy anyway...they got at least 25 pieces each...this neighborhood sucks, man.
I guess it's better than running out of candy and feeling bad for the poor babies.

Being hopeful, I kept my costume on until 9:30 pm..I know, I'm a dork