Monday, April 30, 2007


Now that I have laughed my entire ass off, I can now post about what Belly said today.

Here's how the convo went

Time: Around noon
Scene: Linka's pod area

Shorty: Hmm, what's that smell?
Linka72: I dunno..smells like ketchup
Shorty: Or maybe barbecue sauce...
Belly: Actually, it smells like ketchup on some hot fries - The real thick ones with the crinkles in them, or maybe steak fries..don'tcha think?
Linka AND Shorty: Huh??
Linka: (Laughing like hell) How on earth did you determine from just the SMELL of just ketchup that there were fries involved AND also what do "thick" fries smell like??

The look on his face was fucking priceless....all he could say was:

Well, you know I have "the food addiction thing".....

I just thought to myself, (and you could tell Shorty was thinking the same thing) "Yeah, that's pretty damn obvious"

And just because I'm a hateful bitch, I brought it up AGAIN just so me and Shorty could laugh at Belly. Belly then tried to joke that his sense of smell "could sometimes be a curse" he's a superhero or something

Possible Names For Belly's Superhero:

1. Captain Fat Ass
2. The Black Hole
3. Super Chunk
4. Belly Man
5. The Cellulite Avenger
6. Wonder Stomach

OK..I'm tapped out..any suggestions

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Filet-O-Fat Ass

I was walking back from the bathroom just now and accidentally witnessed Belly finishing off a Filet-O-Fish in ONE AND A HALF BITES......woooah, I was both shocked and appalled..then I got to be nauseous...he then launched into a 5 minute diatribe about processors... all the while, HOLDING THAT SANDWICH IN HIS an obese chipmunk...yeckkkk

According to him, today was his "cheat day" since he was in a hurry to get back to work today..I suspect he forgot to mention that he probably ate 16 tacos in the car before he came back in.

AHA!!! An Answer At Last!!

No, not on my accident..her insurance company STILL has not contacted me.....

I have finally found the answer to why Belly likes to watch people eat..look at this article from Details Magazine...shocking huh?

Monday, April 23, 2007

Fucking Snitch

They blocked the streaming video episodes from at my place of business...fuckers

I truly and honestly suspect that it was Belly who snitched..fat bastard

Was I bothering anyone?? NO!!

Wasn't I AT LUNCH when I watched Ugly Betty and Lost??? YES!!

I can't stand his retarded, Marvin The Martian- sounding would be just like him to run and tell the supervisor that Linka was watching tv online, because I normally ignore him while I'm watching Lost online...urrrrgggggg.

I should spit on his keyboard while he's at lunch....or spill a large cup of my urine in the far corner of his cubicle...yeah, that would be fun-eee.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Trash Bandit

I'm going to kick Belly in his spleen....

This morning after I came back from the cafeteria, I looked in MY trash can and saw 2 blister-packs of "something". I looked a little closer and saw the brand "Aquaban"...It seemed weird to me so I asked around the immediate cube farm:

Cube 1 report: nope not me

Cube 2 report: WHAT was in your trash can???

All other areas: "Maybe it's a form of crack rock", "Does it look chewable?", "I'll take it off your hands"......blah blah blah

Then I turned to the vortex of donuts and chicken wings a.k.a Belly's cubicle and asked him.....He says: "Yeah, I put them in there"...I then said: "Don't you have your OWN freakin' trash can??"...then this fucker replies: "Well at the time, I didn't" this asshole serious???

Where the hell could his trash can have gone?? Lunch? The toilet? Afghanistan??

So instead of the FATKINS diet, the key to his supposed weight loss is diuretics....and I guess he didn't want the evidence to be in his own trash..what a stupid ass.

Speaking of bellies, yesterday we were forced to watch a motivational video in our staff meeting. Of course Belly had to position himself DIRECTLY in my line of sight...I was forced to look OVER his stomach to see the TV..and he just sat there, looking all proud of that monstrosity....His shirt was SOOOOOO tight that another co-worker slipped me a note to comment on how hard his gut looked "solid fat" she described it as......yeck..I'm nauseous


His mustache is getting out of control again, nice carpet sample ya got there Belly...he's starting to look like Scotty and Walter from The Whispers (see goofy looking twins below)

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Damn You, Friday The 13th

Well damn it all to hell.....

I got into a car accident on Friday.

Since I was STILL mad at TOH (he contributed to my anger REPEATEDLY throughout the week..more on that at another time) I decided to take the day off.

My plans were to:

1. Get my weave tightened/exchanged
2. Eat wherever and whatever I wanted to
3. Shop till most of my money was gone
4. Meet friends for dinner
5. Go drinking and bowling with those friends and more co-workers

Numbers 1, 2 and 3 went well..I'll tell you about my hairdresser's demon seed child next post. I was feeling all good and looking cute with numerous unnecessary purchases in the trunk.

Well, on the way to #4, I was exiting the freeway. I noticed that traffic was heavy on the off-ramp so I slowed down....then the fucker shithead bastard in front of me SLAMS on his raggedy brakes (for no good reason) and I had to swerve to the right to avoid hitting his dumb ass. I ended up next to him in the right-hand emergency lane...I looked over and let his ass have it..It seemed the two guys in the car didn't speak much english..they were just kinda staring at the crazy black broad.

Just when I thought it was all over and I was 5 seconds into my cussing and threatening fit, BAM!!!!!! A gold car hit me from behind...the assholes I tried to avoid hitting just stared at me some more and took off.

I sat there for a few seconds making sure I wasn't bleeding or anything then I got out of the car only to find absolutely "flipped the fuck out" young girl screaming and crying...for some reason, I was crying too..scared I guess.

When I got to the back of my car that's when I "flipped the fuck out" and called 911..I don't remember much but I'm sure that call was incoherent and strange.

I do however, remember that my god damned license plate was in the middle of the freeway..and I'm thinking: "son of a am I going to get that back?????"
The girl that hit me saw me looking and she starts screaming "OH MY GOOOOOD!!DON'T GO GET THAT!!!"

I said: "umm, okay sugar..calm down and get back in the car" ('cuz you're making me really nervous)
She absolutely REFUSED to get back in the car and started crying again, saying that someone she knew died yesterday in a car accident...poor girl.
She kept saying it was "her fault" and that she swerved when she saw me swerve but didn't think she would hit my car "like that".

A couple minutes come the cops...license, insurance, what happened, young girl freaking out some more ..blah, blah blah. Her parents pulled up behind the cop..damn, I wish my parents would have come down to ME from the side of the road.
Her Camry was jacked all the hell up. The hood was crumpled and parts of her shit were all over the place. My car's bumper was scraped and had numerous holes in it but (knock on wood) it was still attached. Good 'ole American Muscle..I guess....

The Cop then stopped traffic to get my license plate and props it up in my back window..('preciate that, officer), gives me a subpoena and tells me to "get on home now"..(don't ya just love the South??)

TOH was nice enough to come home and barely ask me how I was..jees, can't I just smother him in his sleep??

My neck was hurting so I went to the hospital that's run by my health insurance company...FOUR FUCKING HOURS LATER, I've had4 X-rays, 6 gallons of blood drawn, an insulin shot, a prescription for a damn fine muscle relaxer and an extended chastising by the doctor about my blood sugar...The whole time she was "yelling" at me, all I was thinking was: "look lady, I'm stressed!! Can i just go drinking now???"

One good thing, I've lost 12 pounds so far..think I'll be "bikini-fine by summer time"?..probably not, more like "one piece with a wrap and a large beach towel-fine by fall" but anywhooo...

I went home, ate a big hamburger and some fries, took the muscle relaxer, realized that the drug label said to NOT TAKE WITH A HIGH FAT OR HEAVY MEAL then drifted off to sleep..I wonder what that label meant??..again, anywhoooo

I woke up the next day and wasn't dead OR paralyzed from the neck down so everything must be OK.

An adjuster from my insurance company came by on Saturday and gave me an estimate..freakin' $650 to replace and paint a bumper?? Damn, thank god it wasn't worse...think I could get them to paint the whole damn car while they're at it..or would that be insurance fraud..who knows??

Wouldn't you now it, after he left, I noticed that THE ENTIRE EXHAUST SYSTEM WAS HANGING DOWN under my car..I was wondering what that damn noise did he NOT see that??

Damn you, Friday the 13th!!!!!

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Can I JUST Be Left Alone????

So there I was, watching Lost on MY OWN DAMN BUSINESS, when yeah, you guessed it...Belly decides it's time to call my name 57 times.

The show was getting to the good part where the black powder monster thing is chasing these two broads through the woods - and I was all into it

at lunch

with my headphones on

technically "busy"

and I could sort of hear him saying: "Hey"..."hey...hey"...

I, of course acted like I didn't hear him - then he BELLOWS all loud and shit: "LINKA!!!!!!!!!" (At least 20 people turned to look)
My immediate and unexpected reaction was to yell back "WHAT!!!???" just as loud..that jackass scared me...crazy bitch-bastard.

Then he has the nerve to ask (after ALL that) Uh, did you finish your employee survey?


I told him no, gave him a shitty look and promptly turned my attention to Lost.....What a freaking weirdo. He just stood there looking all sheepish and dumb with his jello belly and beady, bugged out eyes.

What in the blue hell is wrong with this man???

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Men Are Stupid - A Continuing Series

Can I choke TOH out please???

I am officially "not speaking" to The Other Half this week.

Saturday, we decided that we would have Easter dinner on Sunday. I went out and bought a cute little spiral sliced ham and decided on some sides.
We woke up Sunday morning and did a little spring cleaning - We should be ashamed of ourselves, letting the TV get THAT dusty...anywhooo...

I slaved over a hot stove for about two hours that afternoon - and you know I hate that.
Meanwhile, every few minutes, TOH would come in from the back porch and pour himself a drink, praising me each time for being "such a good cook and a great girlfriend"....1 drink, 2 drinks, 3 drinks....5 drinks later!!!: He comes in and goes to the bedroom.
I figure he's going to get washed up for dinner since he CLAIMED that we were having company, his best friend from down the road. I let him know dinner was just about ready.

Around 20 minutes later, I noticed that it was kind of quiet back there, (kinda like when you're babysitting kids and you just KNOW that they are back there fuckin' something up).

I went back there to find this boy ASLEEEEEEEEP!!!! I was kind of pissed but he looked cute so I let him sleep for a while.

That was at 6:00pm

At 7:00pm, starving and pissed, I called his friend, only to be informed that he wouldn't be coming..and that he told TOH this news TWO FUCKING HOURS AGO!!!!

I "attempted" to wake him up....only got incoherent mumbling......

7:30pm - Ate Easter Sunday dinner by myself

8:00pm - tried to wake his ass up again..more mumbling..then a promise to get up and eat - "In a minute"

9:45pm - Thought of ways to smother him in his sleep and/or stab him and make it look like an accident

10:30 - Pissed, packed all the food up for lunches and what-not. Wrapped his "damn plate" in plastic wrap and cleaned the "fucking kitchen"Slamming doors and cabinets for maximum effect.

10:50pm - Made him move out of his "hog the bed, diagonal, drunk person" position so that I could go to sleep on my side

11:00pm - listened to him apologize profusely after I cussed him out and called him a closet alcoholic AND a raging asshole, then told him he made me feel like an ass-crack for trying to do something special for his inconsiderate ASS....

11:30 - still mad, trying to sleep, now I have acid reflux..great, what next? - Locusts?? Boils??

Thursday, April 05, 2007

I Am SO Jane Fonda...

I went to the gym last night and finally figured out what these damn healthy people are talking about.....

I got on the treadmill and after 15 minutes at an "almost" running pace...I FELT FREAKIN' GREAT!!!

No pain in my knees

No pain in my ass

Exercise almost seemed like fun.. who knew??

Then it was all ruined..the treadmill next to me was wobbly so anyone who got on it, soon got off if it...except for this little old Asian lady...who insisted on staying...get ready to be offended, Asian people...

She smelled of garlic SO BAD, that it ran me out of the treadmill area...yeck!!

And wouldn't you know it, she then showed up in my water aerobics class..damn it all to hell!!!!

Speaking of aerobics, my spirit is STILL broken from the whole Cardio Funk incident..I TRIED to go back to that class but my legs wouldn't move..

damn evil Cardio Funk.