Thursday, March 29, 2007

I'm Going To Knock His Teeth Out....

Belly is on the "Fatkins" diet.

That diet says you can eat large bags of pork rinds wheneva ya want...oh, the hilarity.

Today Belly decides that he'll let me witness this foolishness "up close and personal".

I heard the bag crumpling..then I heard him bragging about his stupid ass snack for a good five to ten minutes..then out of fucking nowhere, here comes "the crunch heard around the globe"..I look back to find this jackass bending over MY trash can, in MY cubicle, eating his fried pork ass...I wanted to kill him..but I was on a call...he continued with this crap until I turned and gave him a dirty, shitty look...then he looked at me all sheepish and dumb and said: "Sorry, didn't want to make a mess on my shirt".

I'm truly at a loss for words....

Feeling Better..Sort Of

Well the air is finally fixed in the it's TOO cold..

see, a bitch is never satisfied

Anyway, me and TOH tried to jump start the luck..I'm pretty sure we were doing something wrong, but you can't tell a man, at least MY man, a damn thing...

another day of bumming rides with co-workers..(thank god Belly didn't offer to pick me up..whew!!)

The next day I took it upon myself to take the battery out. Yaay, Me.

What the hell was I thinking??? It took an HOUR to get it out...the brilliant minds at GM thought it would be a great idea to hide it under 6 million engine components including, but not limited to, the engine cross-brace, the washer fluid reservoir, the fuse relay box AND a battery anchor from hell.

I took it Autozone because I swore that I bought it there....of course once I got there, they informed me that I actually bought it at Advance Auto..ooops, my bad.

Sensing my embarrassment, the cute little guy at Autozone offered to test it and charge it for free. I had to leave it overnight, and I finally got it back yesterday.

Woo hoo..more mechanicing (a word??). The Other Half has taken to calling me "Shadetree" as in shadetree mechanic..he thinks he's cute.

We finally got the bastard back in the engine and voila, "Big Black" is up and running again. we drove STRAIGHT to the car wash..pollen is really bad here and the car had been sitting for almost 4 days..yeck.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Damn It

The air conditioner in my apartment broke this weekend...stupid ass maintenance man didn't show up until Sunday...then claimed that he didn't have the part I needed and that he MAY have it on Monday sometime..fucker

Have you ever tried to sleep in an oppressively hot room with a large black man snuggling up next to you?? Believe me, it I know what the slaves must have felt like on the "ride over here".

And if all THAT wasn't bad enough....My car wouldn't start this morning..shit, shitty shit shit

Friday, March 23, 2007

That's What I Get For Being A Cocky Bitch....

I went to Cardio Funk class at Bally Total Fitness last night...somebody kill me please.

The instructor's name was Peter. He was pretty fucking hot ( he looked like an ex stripper) but by the end of the class, I wanted to follow him to his car and kick him in the nuts.

I walked in there all cocky and shit, saying to myself: "Oh yeah, I got this...I am a Dance, Dance, Dance, Dance, Dancin Machine (Watch me get down)...look at all these slugs in here...what is she? Mexican or something? I have wayyyy more rhythm than that heffa...Omigod!! Is that Richard Simmons ???"

Yes people, there was a very pasty, very gay-like man in there with a striped HEADBAND and DOLPHIN SHORTS...what in the fucking hell??

Anyway, I digress...

So Mr. Sexy Stripper Man starts the music - Kirk Franklin's Looking For You - A nice slow to mid tempo song about Jesus...(something I definitely need). And here I go again with the cockiness: "Oh yeah, I am sooo the shi..oops this is a church song...THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN!!!..Mr. Sexy Stripper Man turns the BPM's up to about 600 and starts flailing around all crazy...but here's the fuckin' kicker: THE WHOLE CLASS KNEW THE "ROUTINE"!!!

I looked like a complete asshole.....

Shamed as all hell, I tried to stay near the back of the class - in the "scrub section" - but Peter kept making us do twirls and shit so I would end up in the "front" of the class - with all the advanced people gawking at my awkward sad

And then if all that wasn't bad enough...IT WAS HOT IN THERE!! There was one of those damn "hot" yoga classes right before ours..damn yoga people.
So anyway, 10 seconds into the workout, I was sweating like Belly at a Doughnut Convention.

Sweaty is not cute..yeckkkk

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Food Day Hell

So we're celebrating March birthdays and anniversaries today.

That means FOOD DAY...

That means Belly will be COMPLETELY out of control....

Oh Wait!! He claims to be on a DIET... Yeah, whateva

So here's what has happened so far:

Co-worker: I need to plug this crock pot in somewhere near the food table (which is in the middle of the aisle, not near a plug)
Me: Hmm...there's a plug over there in that EMPTY cubicle
Co-Worker: Cool, I'll take it...
Belly: LINKA!! LINKA!!! Tell her I had a LONG cord over here in MY cube
Co-Worker: (Startled by Belly as usual), that's OK. I can put it over th...
Belly: NO REALLY, Put it in MY cube!!! Here!! Here!!


So the co-worker finally breaks down and moves the crock pot into Belly's cubicle. Every few minutes the poor girl had to go over and stir the dip - Belly conveniently had it close to him so that she would "have to" snug up against him to stir...eww, fuckin' eww

She finally had enough and decided to move it sad

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Great Balls Of Fire

Belly has this annoying habit of sitting down REALLY fast in his office chair....We have adjustable desks that raise to a "standing" height. From time to time while on a call, Belly will suddenly decide to sit his fat ass down.

It sounds like a really loud zipper...and it is all I can do to not burst out laughing when people peer over their cubicles with perplexed looks on their faces as if to say: "What in the fucking-hell is that noise??"

I imagine that one day, a blazing inferno will spring up from his surprisingly miniscule ass..can you imaginge THAT level of stinkosity????

And wouldn't ya know I was typing this, HE DID IT AGAIN!!...that chair is a goner...

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Belly Looks Like.....

An Ewok.....

Oh, I slay me....hahahhahaha

Ok - Back to "work" a.k.a fucking around on the internet.

Monday, March 12, 2007

With Yo Interruptin' Ass...

Belly is soooo obnoxious.

He gets more annoying by the minute.

Thursday, my co-worker was leaving early. She was getting her bag together and me and her were saying our "goodbyes" and chit chatting quietly when all of a fucking sudden Belly basically screams:

You should have seen the look on my co-worker's face...priceless I tell ya. Luckily she wasn't in the middle of eating something or we would have had to do the Heimlich Maneuver....She was SO startled and "caught off guard"....I was so embarrassed. Belly however, was absolutely clueless..

It seems that he has kicked up his famous man-giggle a notch for the Summer season.

I promise I heard a stitch in his golf shirt pop the other day..I nearly pissed myself.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Out Of The Mouths (well notebooks) Of Babes

My co-worker has a 9 year old daughter who I plan on kidnapping. She is so cute and smart and for christ sakes...well behaved!!

Last week my co-worker challenged her children to write a "Top 25" list of things they would like to do before they die - a little morbid for a child perhaps but a good idea nonetheless.
She brought it to work and I thought it was so cute I decided to post it.
I love that kids are so unbothered and "matter of fact" about life.

Here's her "want to do" list:
  • Be able to swim
  • Get a $5,000000,0000,000 paycheck monthly(she seriously used that many zeroes)
  • Go to Hawaii
  • Own Art school/Museum
  • Be in The Night In The Museum
  • Be a Singer
  • Be a Dancer
  • Be an Artist
  • Go on a $5,000000,0000,0000 shopping spree (this kid LOVES zeroes)
  • Be a Fashion Designer
  • I can sound like a seal (??)
  • 25 carrot diamonds (she later made her look up carat)
  • Be in a record book
  • Own Mars (yes, the actual planet)
  • Be like my big sister
  • Save all the hurt things
  • Go to a Day Spa
  • Be a SuperModle (yet another word to look up)
  • Meet Beyonce
  • Go on tour with her
  • Have a sleepover with her
  • Have a big ice cream sundae
  • Have a 10th Birthday party
  • Get a puppy (not if her mother has anything to say about it)
  • Go to College
  • Have a good job
  • Go on a curse (her mother DEFINITELY had to clarify this one, the poor baby meant CRUISE)
  • Go camping
  • Get Caesar back to his old self (I found out that they have a dog name Caesar that has somehow, recently become allergic to grass, air, concrete, the sun, etc. Poor thing can barely go piss without almost dying)
  • Get better handwriting
Damn, I love kids...some of them

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Wine Is Fun

I helped a friend by volunteering at a Wine Tasting that benefitted her local theater last night.

OH. The. Hilarity.

The event was at the Magnolia Thomas Restaurant.
First off, as soon as we walked in, the event director was offering us glasses of wine - she had already had TWO herself..this was going to be fun.

On my table I had a Pinot Noir (yeck), a Pinot Grigio(yum), a Zinfandel(more yeck), a Cabernet Sauvignon(good lord, I'm drunk), a Shiraz (eh) and a Piesporter(mmm, tastes like white grape juice but kicks like tequila).

I love how older, seemingly sophisticated people get rowdy when they drink wine.
I was pouring a glass of wine for a cute little old guy and when I felt like the glass was full enough, he gave me a look that said: "Look Bitch, keep pourin' "...dang, Cletus.
There was the cutest little old lady in the corner, she had on a fur stole that I'm SURE she got in the late 1800's. She could drink your ass under the table though.

BY the end of the event, I had a good buzz going. I decided to eat more food than I'm sure I was supposed to. I thought it would soak up the wine....famous last words.....

This place was AT LEAST an hour from where I work and live, meaning it was in the middle of damn nowhere. On the way home, I found it neccesary to KNOCK THE SHIT out a median at an EXTREMELY dark "country" stop light/intersection...oops

Luckily, my car, "Big Black" was able to take the abuse, as he always does..poor car

But even after ALL THAT, I still had my ass in bed before 11 pm - Take that TOH!!

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Stay Your Ass At Home!!

Red Light Violation Ticket - $75

Boot On BOTH Front Tires - $100

Realizing you should have listened to your girlfriend - PRICELESS

TOH is coming to the realization that partying at his age is starting to "cost him".

A couple of weeks ago, he decided it would be a good idea to come home at 6:00 AM!!!! Yeah, you got it, he didn't sleep in "our" bedroom for a few days. I made him sleep in the "guest room" aka the room where shoes, clothes and various wicker baskets go to die. I figured that since he was treating me like I was his room mate, we would LITERALLY become room mates, needless to say, he was extra pissed.
A week later, a letter came in the mail from the police department.
Apparently, during this little excursion of his, he ran a red an intersection WITH CAMERAS!!!...stupid.

Then yesterday he informs me that while he was out with the same dummies from the "red light incident", his car was booted outside the shitty sportsbar they frequent...ha ha
He was mad because his friends wouldn't help him pay the boot guy, now all his money for the week is gone...serves him right.

Monday, March 05, 2007

My People....

Do you ever get embarassed by your own "people"???

On Saturday me and TOH went to the All-Star Comedy Explosion Concert. Let me get this out of the way now:

To the stupid bitches in Loge Section 3 Row D: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Thanks for ruining our entire evening with your ghetto, potato chip eating, loud talking, constantly getting up - asses!!!!

I swear, sometimes people make me sick.....If I would have had just ONE more drink in me, I would have walked across the aisle and slapped fire out of one of their asses!!
It was bad enough we were wedged into those small ass seats - and it was hot - and Fucking Kevin Hart didn't show up, then add to it that I could barely hear the show because of the aformentioned - stupid bitches....pissed.I.was.

$130.00 wasted

Afterwards, we went to Jermaine Dupri's (Janet Jackson's Boyfriend) restaurant - Cafe Dupri. It was really good and they stay open until 4 am on the weekends. We ate from the breakfast menu, I had Cognac Scented French Toast with fresh fruit and yogurt and TOH had the Pancakes and the fluffiest eggs I've ever tasted - Yum, pretty damn good food - except for the turkey sausage (they don't serve pork). It was like chewing on jerky for god's sake!!

Damn healthy people - ewww.