Monday, July 31, 2006

More Food Porn..and a tight polo shirt

Blogger doesn't like me..I posted this already but it disappeared..damn it. It's probably bad Karma cuz I was being hateful...Here goes AGAIN..

So I'm standing in my cube shooting the shit with my co-worker during my morning break. I was eating a bowl of cereal MINDING MY OWN DAMN BUSINESS and Belly interrupts me..he says "excuse me [insert heavy nostril sounds here]. Slowly I turned..he took one look at my bowl and commenced to STARE FOR A FULL 7 SECONDS!!! (Seriously..think about how long 7 seconds actually is) then as if someone slapped him, he snaps out of it and continues on with his bullshit question.
I was actually embarrassed and I found myself "hiding" my bowl while he yammered on.

I think he has an eating disorder that involves staring at other people's food. He did it again at lunch, andt he used the "asking a question" excuse again..eww

His polo shirt was soooo tight today, I think I actually saw his body hair sticking out of the can see his stomach from the back of him.

Must go vomit now

Ok another side note...EVERY TIME I try to blog about his fat ass, he stands up and hangs over my cube wall..snot whistle on level 11..maybe he senses when he somehow knows when I have food over here...gonna kill him

Busy Weekend

Had my future in-laws over for the weekend. They stayed in a hotel (thank god, my guest bedroom is in shambles). The other half's brother's (one of my favorite peeps) wife is EXTREMELY pregnant. She's due next month and I was afraid she'd go into labor on my couch. Can you imagine that actually happen?? I'd probably panic, then faint.

I've noticed that the other half is ABSOLUTELY FASCINATED with pregnant women..wonder what that's about?? I guess I can't talk since I have to be around a baby at least once a month..they just smell so..babyish, but good lord, smelly diapers are not good for can something so small produce something so foul??

Anyway, They drove in on Saturday and we went to breakfast at IHOP, whatever we ate there made me and the other half sick.
I then went maternity clothes shopping with another pregnant person, who would "thunk" that would be so difficult???

We made dinner for them and another couple on Sunday, fed 6 people for $20 woo hoo!! Baked two chickens, roasted some red potatoes and made a little salad. Our friends brought the stuff to make broiled tomatoes with mozzarella and fresh basil. Notice I said "brought the stuff", she said she didn't know how to make it but wanted us to do it..ooookkkaaayyy.....The other half, Mr. Chef Extraordinaire, whipped them up and they were very good.
I baked a devil's food bundt cake and made a pretty drizzle with thinned out icing..that damn Martha Stewart and Food Network is wearing off on me and the other half.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Stupid Computer

I think I got a virus that made my hard drive crash at home..damn AOL Games for me this weekend or the week after that .
I wanted to go online and make cute little links to previous posts in my current posts..somehow they've blocked the HTML program here at work and I'm not advanced enough to figure it out.

It was probably all the illegal downloads we had on there..ooops, Did I type that outloud?

Men..Can't Kill Em....Yet

Just when you've figured out how to dispose of his body...He says something sweet.

Last night the other half had a "Town Hall Meeting" to discuss their next Man-Fest 2006 Man Trip (whatever)
As I suspected, they did more drinking than planning and he came home a little "tipsy". For some reason he decided to eat a hard boiled egg before coming to bed. Gross ass thinks it's cute to breathe on me.

At some point while we're joking around, he throws my pillows across the room and laughs..then proceeds to fall his drunk ass asleep. I nudge him softly acouple of times..."boo boo, get my pillows"...then not so softly!! "GET MY PILLOWS!!!!!" I knew the yelling would piss him response...So I get up and storm around the bed, get the two big pillows but can't find my beloved little pillow (actually a beat-up travel pillow).
I turn on the overhead light and this..this..person has the GALL to get mad and mumble: "turn off the light!!..please"
What??!!?? What about when I said PLEASE get my pillows??

I of course, trying to make a point, storm out of the room, big pillows in hand, stumble over my little pillow which has somehow made it into the hallway and spent the night on the aformentioned DEMON couch.

So I'm pissed all night..and this boy didn't even notice I was gone until I mentioned i the next morning!!!
Him: Why do you have the mad face on?
Me: You're an ass
Him: What?? What did I do??

Went through the whole sofa experience..
A few minutes later:
Him: I'm sorry, are you still my boo boo? I love you [Insert sad puppy-love eyes here]
Me: (Thinking)Yes, but you're still an inconsiderate drunk, stupid ass..
Me: (outloud)Yes, I love you

How do I let the puppy eyes get me EVERY DAMN TIME???

He's a shepherd for the devil, I'm sure of it.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Looking For Old Friends

I've been reading O magazine at lunch this week and it has a "Friend" theme. There was a story that talked about a lady finding her old friend from elementary.

It got me thinking about a friend I had in Jr. High named Sue Anne Larson. We had some really funny "adventures".

We used to play trundle drop: I would lay on her trundle bed pull-out and she would slap the collapse bar really hard so the bed would crash to the floor..hilarity!

We tried to drive her brother's stick shift car once. We got as far as the bottom of the driveway and had to tell a lie that she was looking for something in the car and "accidentally" hit the shifter and it rolled..what a bullshit story..but at the time we SOOO believed it would suffice.

Imagine this: We're talking on the phone (as usual) and she's making fries, A GREASE FIRE BREAKS OUT and both of us are screaming and she asks me what she should do, in my brilliance, I suggested that she throw water on it..bad idea

I'm also looking to talk to my good friend from high school Hannah Auer (Jennings). We had a hell of a time at the Marine base (wink wink). Damn, I love Marines, so polite and so sexy.

I laugh every time I think of the time we were making oatmeal facial masks in her mom's blender and somehow we ended up slinging it around the kitchen and she slipped in it, paused in the air for a moment like a cartoon, then came CRASHING down SKULL FIRST on the linoleum..could have been killed but it was funny as hell. No injuries that time but...

One day she skipped school and was making her way down a grass hill to McDonalds when all of a sudden she SLIPPED and CRACKED HER SKULL WIDE OPEN on a jagged boulder. Imagine the dilema: Try to make it to the emergency room without them calling your mom OR call your mom and somehow explain why you were at McDonalds at that time of day OR quietly bleed to death in front of the Hamburglar.
She chose option 2
Her Mom later tried to sue McDonalds for having wet grass..her Mom is so cool. My Mom on the other hand would have come up there, kicked my ass in front of everyone then got mad that I got blood all over "those nice people's grass and rocks". Gotta love her

Anyway, if anybody knows Sue Anne Larson or Hannah Auer tell em to give me a holler.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

I'm pretty sure she has a HOLLOW leg

Went to dinner with my friend from the Cold Stone Nastery experience.
She's pregnant now so her super human eating skills have been increased to a whole 'nother level.
After a dinner that she polished off in record time and that I had to get a "to go" box for, my friend says "I think we should go to Baskin Robbins"
Me: What!!?? I thought you said we were just going to Old Navy earlier. How 'bout we go to Old Navy THEN we'll get ice cream (in the comfort of an air conditioned car)
Her: Nope, let's go NOW..( I think the baby said that from her womb)

So off we go to BR. I have to admit, the portions there seemed far more "do-able" for my poor intestines. I decided to get a milkshake cuz the picture looked sexy. MY MISTAKE!! What I got was another watery mess like at Starbucks, this time with mint and chocolate chips floating sadly around.
I know, I should have taken it back..but she bought it for me and I wanted to get to Old Navy then go lay down somewhere.
I tried nursing the poor thing the whole time we were shopping but my stomach was fighting back.
I took it home and put it in the freezer..maybe I'll try to "fix" it like last time.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

More Whistle...

OK maybe you're sick of snot whistle talk....but think about how I feel!!!
Today I was on a call and at first I "felt" a presence..then I heard the whistle..I swear, my neck started to itch from the irritation of the whole thing, my ear hurts too. And he just kept standing there, watching me scratch and discreetly cover my ear...ya think he knows it irritates me?

I've deduced that it happens at these times:
After he bounds down the row during lunch
After he eats
When I eat and it's Food Porn time

Maybe there's a piece of food in his nose or something. He claims to have asthma, he used to use his inhaler alot, looks like a crack pipe to me..but he'd be skinny if that was the case. Wouldn't he????

Monday, July 24, 2006

Snot Whistle Just A-Blowin'

Ok, How do you tell a person they need a new septum?

Belly came in from lunch today breathing heavy as usual after climbing the flight of steps to get here (as usual).
He felt the need to speak to me while he was slamming his slop down (as usual)

His snot whistle was so high pichted that it actually hurt my ears. Maybe I'm part canine or something.

He's getting fatter, poor thing and he needs a shave. It's like looking at an obese Grizzly Adams...with glasses..and a nose flute
The bigger he gets, the more the "man-giggle" turns into a chortle of sorts.

It's killing me how he can't hear it. I guess it's like people who stink but they're so used to it, they can't smell it

My Hair Hurts

Got my hair done..OUCH!!
I swear the skin on my scalp is actually wrinkling from the pressure of the braids..
The price we pay to be cute..sad
I'm glad I got it done butit's taking some getting used to. I've got big sassy hair now..just like I wanted..I think.
My paranoia is ruling my life, The Other Half likes it but I'm worried I look like a stripper, if I could just make the money they do..excluding the whole naked thing.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Hair Scared

I'm supposed to get my hair done tomorrow. I'm scared because I'm having a different technique done. I have too many hair horror stories to mention right now but suffice to say that one time my bangs were about 40 inches above my eyebrows. (think Brillo Pad on a bowling ball)

I'm going for the "Jill Scott Nubian Goddess" look but I'm afraid it'll turn out more "Buckwheatish". I should ask for a vacation day on Monday....

Let's hope for the best.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

How do you know so DAMN much??

How does one person know SOMETHING about EVERYTHING???
Belly cannot shut up. My other podmates and me could be talking about say..shit chips, well Belly will go on for about 20 minutes on the origin of shit chips.Blah Blah fuckin' Blah.
I'm going to slap him today and just act like it didn't happen.
Maybe I can convince him that I have a form of Tourette's that makes you slap people out of the blue.

Dream Dialogue of the Day:

Me: Hey other podmates, I watching a show about Discombobulators on the Discovery Ch....
Belly: (butting in as usual) Did you know that the first Discombobulator was invented by Harvey Fishgrease of Paducka Illinois, He was a great guy that owned.....
Me: (thinking) SHUT THE HELL UP!!!
This is the part where I stand up as my podmates cheer me on,(linka linka, linka!!)I turn the corner of his cube and slap his fat face SQUARE in the mouth. Now picture me walking away spouting expletives and twitching.

Wouldn't that be nice???

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

The Corporate Machine

I came in to work today to find that my cube had been "tampered with". I had 3 pretty damn funny Dilbert cartoons on the "front porch wall" of my cube that basically said the company chose cheap software over effective software and one that alluded to stupid end-users rebooting themselves.
I noticed that someone had taken them down and like a yella-bellied coward, just layed them on my desk.
They had also rifled through some magazines that I had NEATLY stacked on my desk.
Do these bastards think I'm stupid?? Like I wouldn't notice????
They'll probably have something to say about the craft-keeper bag and tool kit I have under my desk.
Oh wait!! I have some tampons in the bottom drawer..are THOSE "appropriate"???!!???
There's a guy here however, that has about 6000 American Flags around his desk and they think he's just wonderful. "oh how quirky" they say..fuckers

This place blows sometimes. Don't get me wrong, it's a good, stable job but it still blows.

I'm suprised they haven't blocked this site yet (god forbid, but since thet have access to view my screen at anytime, it'll be next), they block they most innocent sites:
Wedding Sites
Golfing sites (who care)
MySpace (of course)
Sorority/Fraternity sites (But only the Afican American ones..huh?)
and a host of other bullshit sites..BUT EBAY STILL REMAINS!! Someone up high must love that site.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Reality TV is GRRRREAT!!

I watched Mo'Nique's F.A.T. Chance this weekend, good show. The other half thinks I should try out next year and I'm seriously considering it. Hell, I'm big AND I'm cute..what's the harm?? Of course some of those broads were REALLY big, I was a little intimidated. The girl that won had a real big butt. Of course, If I could have a flat stomach and no back fat, I'd GLADLY take a big ole ass!

Treasure Hunters is my show. Go Brown Family!! Too bad ya lost..again, dammit
I swear, if I see a certain girl in a dark alley, me and her are going to go: NINE FUCKING ROUNDS!!!
They had to dig up a clue at night so of course, her poor dad had to do it. He asked her to hold the flashlight steady and she breaks into another tirade...." I HATE THIS JOB, I DON'T WANNA HOLD A FLASHLIGHT!!!" [Insert whining and stomping like a 2 year old here]
She is sooo juvenile. Has anyone seen an ACTUAL TEAR on her silly face???

I guessed the clue via text message for the last two weeks, got it right last week but wasn't picked, got it wrong this week..dammit!! Spent $3 flippin dollars for nothing. Well, I've spent more on less.

WEIRDNESS UPDATE of the people on this show emailed me and asked that I remove what I said about her here..hmmm..THIS MANY YEARS later!!! I removed her actual name but I stand by what I said.

I'm Not the Drunkard I once was

No Sleep Till...

Me and the other half went to a rehearsal dinner after party at his friend's house on Friday. Lots of liquor and some pretty good food. Stayed there until 2am went home and ate Waffle House take-out and fell into comas.
We attempted to be productive citizens on Saturday but it didn't quite work out..Sleeping is fun.

On Saturday, we went to another party (because we think we're teenagers). More liquor and MORE good food. Another 2am arrival. Good thing it was in our neighborhood.

All Sunday..didn't do a damn thing
We're lazy and old

Thursday, July 13, 2006

You're Fat, Face it

Why do people REFUSE to believe that they have gotten fat. I have a co-worker who is still rockin' outfits from the 80's and early 90's and no, it does not look cool. She looks like an overstuffed kielbasa in those "slacks" which is code for: Ugly ass, outdated, fabric so thin it looks like cheesecloth - pants. And if that's not enough, she tucks her shirts in!!! **Gasp!!** She looks like a muffin top or better yet, a busted can of biscuits.

I guess they think that if they don't have to buy new clothes, everthing must be OK.

Come on pregnant ladies, you can get some of my wrath too.
I once worked with a dizzy broad that REFUSED to buy maternity clothes, she waddled her big butt around in this denim dress AT LEAST 3 times a week. I looked at her one day and the buttons were actually POPPING OFF the front!! Seriously, how much could a decent Wal-Mart dress cost??

I, as a fattish person have realized that back-fat is not cute. I have promised not to wear:

1.Halter Tops
2.Spaghetti Straps with big thick ass big-girl bra straps
3.T-Shirts or tops from the Misses Section ( I know it says XXL but it really doesn't mean 2X Plus)
4.Strapless dresses without a sweater or jacket
5.Anything that SHOWCASES a belly-bulge. (Do you really think people don't notice those lumps??)
6.The new-style Short/Cap sleeve tops that strangle my fat and SHOWCASE the stretch marks.
7.Those strappy sandals that wrap around the leg..those are not for people with "meat" on their calves.
8.Shorts...Of ANY KIND. Have ya seen that "V" that gets started up the ass and crotch trail when ya walk..not cute

If you can't afford Lane Bryant or The Avenue, There's a place called DOTS that has real cheap, really stylish trendy clothes for Big Girls..check it out dammit.
Oh!! and Men, those khakis and golf shirts don't fit any more..believe me, fatty.

Insomnia is NOT your friend, neither is usual

Stayed up until 2am again...for some reason I felt the need to watch "Project Runway" and "Plastic Surgery: Before and After" all night.

Played the designated secretary for the other half. He directed me (notice I didn't say asked) to type up his business plan for school. Had to work from his chicken scratch notes and had to keep asking him "WHAT THE HELL is this" all night.
He watched TV and read magazines the whole damn time!! He better be glad I love him.

I attempted to enjoy a piece of leftover cheesecake from work but he kept asking me for a bite..back off dude!!

Later, my stomach did not enjoy all that richness..I have Lactaid but I guess I'm just to lazy to take it.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Rude Noises...We're made for each other

Me and the other half have been together for about 7 years. He knows the exact amount of time, but I can't be bothered with those types of seems like 20 years if ya ask me..but you didn't

Anyway, in our house we're pretty open about bodily functions and it's pretty funny to us. We sometimes have competitions..hahahaha

Well, the other day me and my pod mates were discussing this and that and somehow the subject of farting came up. I shared a funny story and basically heard crickets afterwards..."what??" I said. My co-worker says "Farting is NOT funny" and then another co-worker said basically in all 15 years of her marriage, she has NEVER farted/belched etc in front of her husband.. another person I talked to said she's pretty sure that her husband has never witnessed her in/on or around the toilet.


In my opinion that's not being "real" with each other.


Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Sugar Fest, How to maim and/or kill your boyfriend for the insurance money

Ok so I'm still awake..The other half just got back from school and claims that I'm trying to kill him for the insurance money.
He opened an upper cabinet to get the peanut butter and a can or corn fell out "nearly killing him" as he described. I'm sure it was nowhere near that perilous.
Drama attracts Drama..we're made for each other.

He's going to be sick...mark my words.

I watched him make a peanut butter AND syrup sandwich on white bread..ewww Then to top it off.. he decided to get the last Honey Bun (eww he can have it, see my earlier post titled: How Much??!!??)
I jokingly said: Why don't ya just put the Honey Bun IN your sandwich??
HE ACTUALLY DID IT!! He washed it all down with a glass of FULL FAT, VITAMIN D milk..
I'll place the customary bucket by the bed tonight.

Blogging Protocol, TV, other crap

So is it Ok to post more than one time a day?

I have a lot of worthless shit to say throughout the day and I can't remember to put it all in on one post.

I've become addicted to this damn
MySpace used to be my "Lova" but I left him last month, he was a whore.

I've added some new links ova dere ----> I've been blog surfing all day at work. Do you think I actually work at work?? I know some people who sit there between calls and actually study "work related" paperwork and resources...WTF??

The guy with cerebal palsy on Last Comic Standing is one of the funniest mf-ers I've seen lately.
Dilana is so damn cool..except for her Elvira/Johnny Cash impersonation tonight. The band liked it..I sure didn't. When she did Nirvana, I 'bout pissed myself..that was good.
Seems like she was "formerly a man"
How can I watch Rockstar Supernova AND Last Comic Standing AND $40 a Day all at the same time???!!??
So much TV, so little time

How Much??!!??

$700 to fix the Air Compressor in my car...huh?
Car Guy: Well that's how much it'll be if we supply the part. If we use the compressor you brought in, we'll only charge $396
Me: ONLY??

So that was in April, I have since spent that money on other pressing crap like the light bill and such..Next time I'm going to marry for money I tell ya.

Something really bad happened in Belly's family last week so I feel bad talking about him right now.

On to other things...
I just ate one of those Little Debbie Honey Buns..eww What is that mineral/dirt aftertaste?? And it seemed a little slimy if ya ask me..but you didn't
Nausea besets me like a pack of Wild Hounds...(got that from an old Goodie Mob CD)

Monday, July 10, 2006

Treasure Hunters on NBC

I swear to god, I will slap a certain person's face off.
Tonight she had one of her usual "breakdowns"
She claims to be fainting after walking a little while in the swamp so her mom says: "Let your Dad carry your pack honey"
so she screams at her (also overly-dramatic) mom: "NO!!!!WHAT PART OF THAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND!!!???"
I thought you "couldn't go on"...
How dare you talk to your mom that way..and you call yourself "holy"
My mom would have kicked my behind all over that swamp and left me there.
Then her parents had the nerve to come back and get her..sad

I texted the correct answer twice...didn't win..aarrrrgggg!!!

Some stupid kids are shooting fireworks off outside...crackheads..ooops their dad is a REAL crackhead..think it's contagious??

Took a MENTAL HEALTH day on Friday - Call Me Beer Wench

Me and the other half took the day off on Friday..slept most of the day with NO GUILT.
Finally got a license plate for the "new" car. What a relief. Now I need to get $50 dollars back from the dealership for their mistake since we had to go and spend another $25 on an emissions test...bastards

The other half had friends over on Saturday. They somehow mistook me for the "Beer Wench". Every time I walked past the balcony window, he would hold up 3 fingers...WTF?? Then one time I walked by (like a dumbass) He says: "Boo Boo, could you bring us a bowl of ice, the liquor, the Sprite and oh, could you heat up that leftover steak for us? (Dammit, that was my damn steak and I was soooo looking forward to eating it..shit)
Me: (thinking) Are your damn legs broken??? I'm SUPPOSED to be relaxing!
Me: (outloud) Sure, Boo Boo. Will that be all? [Insert fake smile here]

Damn, I love that man, he better be glad we were having such a good weekend.

I pretty much slept the whole weekend away. Went to Target and Wal-Mart and pillaged the clearance racks (There is NO NEED to pay retail), found some cute stuff in my size. Surprising since I guess these stores think that if you're plus sized, you must were shit ugly sweat pants and tops with BIG flowers on them.

I was part of a focus group for Wal-Mart one time (they paid $125.00!!) and I told them that going into their women's plus section was like driving by a horrible accident: You don't want to look over and see that dead body on the asphalt but you JUST CAN'T HELP YOURSELF, and you end up seeing something that ruins your week..Every time I go in Wal-Mart I see that very thing that changes my damn life for the worse.
Why does anyone need a bright pink Mu-Mu with huge pockets in the front by their thighs?? I guess these trailer queens needs a place for their ciggies and meth.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

What if I had Super Powers

On another note, That movie "My Super Ex-Girlfriend" looks funny.

If I had superpowers, what would they be????? Hmmmm..

Able to sense a shoe sale within a 20 mile radius
Flying would be good (traffic in this city is a bitch)
Super-Human Hearing (so I can hear who's talking shit about me)
Super-Human Sight (so I can see who's talking shit about me)
Strong hands (to open jars with, without a man around, my dear)
The ability to lose weight instantly ( I've never worn a Gucci dress and I WANT TO)
The ability to get TALLER instantly (I've always wanted to look down on Belly, who's already a short-ass mind you, and stomp his ass like a coke can)

I think that'll do for now..I already have a pretty good "Gay-dar". People are amazed by it ya know.

I have to get back to my newest addiction: Windfall - good show

Damn Frammalamaccino

I'm mad and without a frappuccino.
Here's the complaint letter I had to write to Damn Starbucks:

I would like to complain about a bad experience I had at a local Starbucks (I'll leave the location out for blog purposes)
I ordered a Tall Caramel Frappuccino this evening. A very nice blonde lady took my order. As I pulled through the drive thru and came up to the window, I noticed that 1 person started my drink in the blender and the nice lady who took my order seemed to finish it by taking it out of the blender very quickly and adding whipped cream and caramel. I paid, got my drink and drove away. My first sip seemed very watery and it only got worse from there. Besides the "wateriness" there were large chunks of ice and not very much coffee flavor.
It was a pretty piss-poor example of a frappuccino in my opinion and I wanted to report this to you. (do you think piss-poor was "too much"??)
I went out of my way to get to this Starbucks (actually I missed the turn and had to circle around the block and halfway arround the world) and was anticipating this drink ALL DAY. (really, I was!!) I feel like I wasted $3.50 and a lot of gas. It is not my intention to get anyone in trouble, I just expected more quality from Starbucks.
Thank you for your time

Now I wonder what they'll do...McDonalds gave me extremely expired walnuts (for my fruit parfait one morning..WTF??) one time and I complained on their website. They sent me two free Value meal coupons. Again WTF??
Anyway.. I went home and tried to "fix" it in my blender..just made it grosser, damn I'm pissed. I really wanted that damn Starbucks, I shoulda went to Dunkin' Donuts.

Oh Shut the Hell UP!! (Part Deux)


Aw hell, he's back and on full irritate.
He had the nerve o ask if I missed him.
Me: (Thinking) Oh shit no!!
Me: (Outloud) [Insert fake laugh here] How was your vacation??
Me: (Thinking) As if I really want to hear about you being the family martyr and working yourself stupid around your house while your wife sits on her ass all day and steals your money while you're asleep..but I digress..
He tried to get me to look at him again today.
He's like a damn kid sometimes.."Look, Look, Look, Look" - SHUT UP DAMMMIT!!
Luckily the phone rang and I was saved by the bell so to speak.

We had another "snot whistle moment" after lunch. I baked something and of course he had to eat a big ass wedge of it. He proceeded to hover over my wall smacking and breathing all heavy through his nose..sounded like Ron Burgundy's "Jazz Flute" or as the Maitre D said.. "Yazz Floot"

If I could just fnd something to stick in there...

HTML Hates Me

I think I figured out this whole links thing...I think
It looks like I was able to add the links but dammit, now my sidebar is all jacked up, living at the bottom of the page.
I changed templates to make it go back to the top left(I thought) but when I click on View Blog, it's the old template!! WTF???
I'm irritable and hungry, somebody might get slapped today.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

I've been trying to add The Bestest Blog of All Time to my links list for the past 48 hours AND NOTHING IS WORKING!!!!!
Any suggestions ?

Fireworks Suck

Had a good Holiday..sort of...

We barbecued and it was good, we went to see the fireworks and it was bad.
Got into an argument with the other half over him nearly running a light that had CAMERAS attached to it, He yells that we don't have a license plate anyway but my concern was ALL THE DAM COPS ON THAT VERY CORNER!!

Gees... quiet "moment" for 30 minutes.

We finally parked and walked to a good spot on the corner in front of the mall, sat down and cracked open the water jug I had the good foresight to freeze before we left, mmmm nice cold water tastes good in this oppressive heat.

We sat there almost two hours people watching and finally speaking to each other, he's fun when he's not being moody and cranky. I love him so much.

Anyway, sappy moment over.

It was almost time for the fireworks and I think I was more excited than all the kids around.
I noticed that there was some lightning off in the distance, then some dark clouds but we ignored it like everybody else. Then all of a sudden, THE WRATH OF GOD CAME DOWN (well it seemed like it anyway)The wind started blowing, lightning was striking, thunder was rolling, people were screaming and running...WTF?? We smartly decided to pack the hell up and try to make it back to the car..knocking innocent children down and accidentally (maybe) beaning a man in the head with my water jug. By the time we got back to the car, we were full of grit and nastiness and were being followed by a family who wanted our fabulous parking space.
The other half had to pee and was going to go behind the car but a lady got out of the stalker car and stood there by our bumper, I guess to ensure that she got our space..flippin weirdo.

I was really disappointed that we missed the fireworks..(I used to be DEATHLY afraid of fireworks..not sure what changed that)
I kept looking back hoping the fireworks were going to start luck. We got home and ate some dinner. The news finally showed the fireworks..they sucked. I guess it's a good thing we left.
There were people out there with umbrellas, braving the rain.
My other half looked over at me and said: "You know damn well I wouldn't be out there in that shit"
Me: Sigh...Well maybe if the lightning...
Him: (As if to say "whatever, crazy lady") "Shiiiit"
And that was pretty much the end of the discussion.

I still have sand in my eyes, teeth, etc..ewww

Monday, July 03, 2006

The Tag Office can kiss my....

Okay so we bought a used car a month ago and had to put an ill-timed down payment on it (hence my "in the minus" checking account) and the paper Drive-Out tag got rained on and the date fell off. In this state I'm sure I'd get life in prison or something for this so I decide to just go get the real license plate because the office is near my house.
I only get 45 minutes for lunch but I figure I can fly there on two wheels (as usual) and be back in time to log back in to the phone system.

BUT NO!!!!!

First of all I'm basically on Empty because the boyfriend drove out all the gas this weekend. (I guess that ok since he paid for it)Then it seemed that everybody on the road was old and/or crazy and kept getting in my way.
Finally I get in front of all these assholes and lo and behold A DAMN COP CAR!! So I pretend to be a cautious driver until he turns off then I (as usual) get back on two wheels and drive like only I know how. Had to make a u-turn because the left turn light was mocking me by not changing AND FINALLY, I'm there..wheww...Only 3 people in line in front of me , technically there were 5 but 3 asian ladies were together, they looked like really old gangbangers in polyester but I digress...
With 15 minutes to spare, I getr to the little window and show the guy my registration, license and proof of insurance..I could feel something was wrong...
Tag Guy (in training mind you): "Ma'am, we don't see proof of Emissions on the record"
Me: WHAT!!! I paid for it in the deal (pulling out pile of papers) Look, right here $25..
Tag Guy: Sorry, they (the dealership crooks) either didn't do an emissions test or they forgot to enter it into the system.
Me: (thinking) Fuck Fuck Fuckety Fuck!!
Me: (out loud) Ok, what can I do?
Tag Guy: You'll need to get an Emissions test ASAP or we cannot give you a license plate

I swear to God I see why people shoot up government offices every year.
After calling 411 a thousand times and after being transferred all over the earth, I get somebody at the dealership who claims taht she had no idea the emissions wasn't done and that if I could "just come on down", they'd get it fixed. THE WHOLE POINT was to not have me drive way the hell over there on 3 tablespoons of gas.."Or you could pay for the test (again), send us the receipt and we'll reimburse you (yeah right).
I got back to work 17 MINUTES LATE!!! No one seemed to notice though...until the late log in report comes in next month, SHIT!!

So the moral of this story is...Just drive around with a crappy crinkled paper tag until the Good Ole Boy highway patrol pulls you over and beats you within an inch of your life for "resisting arrest".

My boring except for Bow Wow

Went to my second job all ready to fist fight the new manager...nothing to worry about..he's kinda goofy.
A little too "motivated" for my tastes but oh well.

I rang up Bow Wow (the rapper) on Saturday...I felt like a damn teenage girl!! I was all nervous and shaky..WTF?? I played it cool, but my GROUPIE Male co-worker did not. In an ATTEMPT to be cool he kept asking recording studio questions..I was embarassed because he seemed like he didn't really want to talk, at least about that shit.
He had the black American Express card, that bastard..I had to check his ID and he was quite nice about it..ha!
He was really short..poor thing. But he was really good looking up close, like he gets facials or something. I think he's old enough for me to love him down now.. I felt like a chester molester looking at him when he was younger.
He bought some Jordans and a couple of T-Shirts, spent about $150.00

Rich people suck...until I get rich, then rich people will be cool...anyway.